The first couple of weeks have been pretty uneventful, just the usual classes and the lack of training, but boarding makes things slightly better :)

SO...

I think our selfie skills damn good 

This is Megan's response to me telling her how amazing Xinyi and I were 

I'm glad to have been able to catch up with my favorite people in the world, over dinner or grocery shopping trips or midnight pantry talks :")

My lovelies

My watermelon gals who are flattening their chests

Midnight memories

Asia's next top model for washing machines ;-)

I used an old fifty-cent coin to save money and the machine decided to stop working until I gave more money.

So thankful for this girl in my life

My resident crooner, philosopher and yoga master - all at once.

Aristal was last Friday and I found it absolutely, incredibly beautiful.

Went with Meg, Praveen and Siyang, we got quite a good view of the stage :D

(forgive the quality, all of us are actually very attractive and photogenic)

Special mention to this gal - I'm so blessed to have you in my life, I have no idea how I would have survived the past years without you. Thank you for dealing with my nonsense and endless streams of complaints and narcissistic comments, most people would have gone wild from trying to keep me quiet for a few moments. Thank you for loving me for me, I'm eternally grateful to you Megan Quek, and I will love you even if your eyebrows fail to become as thick as mine. 

1/3 of the oneders, we are so proud of you girls!! The stars of the show :-)

NJNB JHIC - your title damn atas sweetie. I am so proud of you, such an all rounder :') Who knew lending a pen in LT1 would eventually blossom into such a fantastic relationship?'

Almost half of the AH kids :))

My lovely THQ loves with no bounds, something I aspire to have so much. I promise I'm gonna stick around and annoy you for a very long time, so please get ready ;P

And to Emma, I'm so glad we got close this year :") WD's item was fantastic!! Thank you for holding my hand during the bad times and for your unwavering support, love you bby girl <3

We just started talking one day, she's fun-loving and a great bud to be with

Never forgetting my girl. She reads me so well, I'm so lucky to have her in my life. We're at different ends of the corridor, but I'm glad we're still so close, love you babe :*

No doubt my favourite JH1 group + bby girl Wang

This post is all over the place, I'll edit it another day sighs.

To my princesses, thank you for loving me so much.

NSDB marks the halfway mark of my journey as a bdiv girl, here's a big hug to everyone who was there along the way!!👳I couldn't be more thankful for your presence and words and I hope I've made you happier than before you started on this path :-)

It's a truly beautiful feeling to have the people you love being around you all the time. You rest in the comfort that you'll see them soon, that they will always be there for you to fall back on. I am so lucky, so blessed.

You gave me so much more than what I gave you. If only I could show you through my own eyes all the joy you've brought into my life.

It has been a dizzying past year, on a roller coaster of corkscrews and whirlwinds. I had a whale of time, and it doesn't end here. I still want to see you smile every day and hold your hand when you need me to, or just rolling around in the mud ;")

Yesterday's race was for you girls okay, to end your bdiv journey and season with nsdb 1st :)

for these beautiful girls,

from shun with all her love

When you get to know someone…

… all their physical characteristics start to disappear. You begin to dwell in their energy, recognize the scent of their skin. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell. That’s why you can’t fall in love with beauty or looks. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, want to own it. You can love it with your eyes and your body, but not your heart. That’s why when you really connect with a person, any physical imperfections disappear, become irrelevant.

filling the void.

"Too many things have been happening these two weeks." That was what Daddy said to me when we were walking to the carpark, just the both of us.

Who knew we had to lose two people within a week? When the grief is still raw, someone else goes. Both sides of the family are in mourning. On the outside, everyone smiles and pretends that nothing happened, but the number of people breaking down inside is overwhelming.

Life is so precious and you learn that the hardest way.

"She passed away."

"He passed away this afternoon."

"Okay."

What else can you say?

On the first night of the wake, the pastor was talking to Daddy, and I was just sitting a few tables away, listening to every word and regretting so many things I've done the past years.

Pastor: 你们很疼你的妈妈。

Dad: What can I do? 只有一个母亲。

That just hit me in the gut.

It was the first time the adults were speaking so openly about her, and sis and I just quietly listened from the side. They talked about the food she cooked, the dialects she spoke, her fashion sense and everything else I never got to see, hear or experience. On the final day, my dad's cousin-in-law just came up to me and said, "I had the privilege of trying her food, before her stroke." I wish I could say the same.

The day before she left us, I didn't visit her. Sis and I had work to do, so we just said, "next week". That next week never came. It's a relief, after 20 years of suffering. No more pain for her. She's finally healed, up there. Yet, even when we prepared ourselves for the worst, it still hurts.

And for the first time, we sat down as a family and talked about death openly. In her final months, she was on a feeding tube. We could have chosen not to let her have the feeding tube, then she'll go earlier. But removing it was equivalent to starving her. And having the tube there, it's letting her suffer more so that we could get more days with her. 

Did we increase the misery of her days without increasing the number of it? I'm not sure, and I hope not.

An hour after I found out she left us, I wrote this:

Is the family gonna fall apart from grief? When both parents are no longer around us physically, do the ties between siblings cease to exist? When we lose a set of our grandparents, do we stop having cousins and aunts and uncles?

It was only on the day of the funeral when I finally grasped the fact that she was gone. I was prepared, no doubt, but it was so hard for sis and I to accept it. She's in a better place, that's all we can tell each other. Nothing more.

Another wake being held just a week after her passing. I don't think anyone's handling it fine.

All along, we knew that they were dying.

Knowing, understanding and acceptance are totally different things.

"I hope you will remember her forever." Daddy said.

I wanted to give a eulogy for her during the service, but I knew I wouldn't be able to control my emotions. This is my tribute to her:

In my fifteen years, I've never heard her voice or seen her walk, but she knows of your presence. She looks at you when you hold her hand, you don't have to speak to get a response. Once in a while, she squeezes your hand back - she understands. That was how we communicated for years, and she lives through the stories Dad and Mum tell once in a while. It's not everything, but it's good enough. She's special, and she is the reason why I've always wanted to do social work. Rest in peace, ah ma, I'll remember you.

And to my great-uncle: We lost you today. I've never gotten to know you well, but every time we met, you would pamper us with gifts. I'm sorry you had to suffer these few months, but I knew you were happy. Rest well.