Live it well.

Happy New Year, all my love babes.

"never say goodbye because saying goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting."

(going through some editing)

I haven't properly came to terms with the fact that it's JH3 next year.

It's going to be 301, not onederland working it's magic.

Every single year, I sit down and tell myself, "This year was better than the last."

I don't think it will be like this next year.

2013 has been a beautiful chapter, the best out of fourteen.

I've gotten to know amazing people.

I saw the magic of a family.

Many a times, I was happier than I'd ever been.

I learnt to appreciate what I have.

I believe I made a difference.

I understood what it meant by doing your best for the people you love.

Found the strength to let go of things that can't be undone, and just move on, only keeping the memories.

I'll always be grateful for those friendships forged this year; I truly hope this continues in 2014. Many things are going to change, but hopefully, for the better.

And so, some new year resolutions:
1. Start doing my homework
2. Stay awake in class (I don't think so)
3. Try not to let my piano collect dust
4. Train hard
5. Keep my results up (cos 301 is going to be competitive and I sure as hell do not like that)
6. Not to judge my new classmates
7. Stay close to the oneders and buskers
8. Make sure 301 does not call themselves oneders
9. Get more sleep and eat more
10. Up my weights
11. Spend more time with my family (this is going to be hard)

12. Remember people's birthdays
13. HFH (but NJ doesn't allow)
14. K4 double gold!
15. Grow a bigger chest (I need papaya soya milk)

That's about it.
And hopefully when the new year begins the pain in my lats will miraculously disappear so Thursday's 2.4 will go well. (it didn't go well unfortunately, I was like barely below 12min)

Those 2013 things I'm grateful for:

- My family. Even though we kind of drifted from each other, argued more often, didn't understand each other, I just wanna say I still love all of you the most, out of all the people I know. 14 years and counting, you've been there for me. I may rant and all about you not accepting my behavior and attitude sometimes (I admit that I'm hard to manage), but if not for you, I wouldn't be where I am now. (2014 is the year to start making up for all the fights + cold wars. Please.)

- Buskers. They were the ones that brought me out from my shell. They were the ones that taught me how to accept others for who they are. They know when I'm upset, and they won't force me to speak up, but they won't let me bottle it in. They make me happy, they make me dare to dream, and there's this unspoken promise that we'll fulfill our dreams together. Which we will. We are all very different people, yet we come together as one, it's amazing. I love them to the end of the world, they are very inspiring people. They love me for who I am; I'm really blessed to have such incredible and true friends.

- Oneders. My second family. I've always talked so much about my oneders, but no amount of words can describe this amazing bunch of people. They've always made my day, and I look forward to seeing them all the time. They are quick to forgive you, they don't hesitate to show their love (it's really sweet), and they always promise to be my pillar of strength (I was so touched). I love them so much that I still cry every time I read the letters and watch the video. I honestly hope that we will stay together, that we won't drift, because they mean so much to me, I can't bear to lose this family. Two onederful years I'll always remember.

- My team. The motivation; the strength from them influenced me greatly right from the start. Many things changed along the way, I really appreciate everything they've done for me. It's pretty hard to put it down here, but these two months made so much of a difference. They say to look into the future, but the past matters as well. And even for the years to come, the girls will always be part of the best memories.

- Those times when people ask, "are you okay", it means a lot to know that they care, thank you for it.

- When I wanted to give up on paddling, the people who told me to stay strong, to stay motivated, all the letters and texts that pulled me through that period of time. "Even if you fall, we'll be there to catch you, to cry with you, and we'll make you happy."

- I learnt the true meaning of friendship. It's not #BFF4LYFE but rather, live this moment with them, be there for each other, have faith and the river will keep flowing. People leave, but better people come into your life. People you never thought you would learn to love made a difference in you.

There's a lot more, but these are the main few :)

"It's who you are I care about."
"You must learn to love yourself."
"Everyone is beautiful, you must believe that you are beautiful too."
"Just be happy."

That's 2013 folks.

"show that you're fighting for them, and make them want to fight for you."

We went to Sentosa.

1. Slope runs (7 sets)
2. Sandcastle Building
3. OUTRIGGER
4. White lunch
5. Round-The-Island (18km)
6. Pilates

Tuesday was the fun day of the camp :D

I'm glad my group started with slopes, so the worst was over and we could enjoy outrigger without worrying about running. Slopes were just bad. No need to elaborate on my "love" for running, let alone seven sets of killer two minutes.

Sandcastle building was nice. It brought back many fond memories of my childhood when my family always went to ECP to play :) Then OUTRIGGER!!! The K1 was so fun, and very stable even though it was in the sea, and the rudder is so nice and big and easy to control direction <3

I was actually starving after everything. Then there was a white lunch. White rice, white cabbage, white egg, white chicken. I had to force myself to finish the food like it was my final set, everyone was having seconds so as to not waste food, so our group came up with this slogan: Every grain of rice, chicken and egg, go the distance XP

Round the island was for endurance, I guess. Walking to sentosa cove and back was so tiring, and we had all the heavy bags to lug, and we slowly drank the isotonic because we only had two bottles and during the first water break half a bottle was gone. But we completed it with plenty of time to spare, so Aunty taught me the JH3 chem stuff which I kind of understood. Christine is like the best tutor ever, she can deal with sotongs like me, I love you aunty <3

Pilates at night and no dodgeball (WHYYY). I'll take yoga next time, thanks :) me like to stretch rather than core training ;P

Okay so I'm lazy to talk about the next 3 days in detail. So to the important parts of each day:

Wednesday was race simulation + baohui joining the group (after a great boy chase around europe). It was freezing at night and in the morning and we had to be in singlets so I was just shivering while warming up in the bay. Fell short by 3-5s for the 500m and 1000m target timings, I think it was quite disappointing. If I had pushed harder for 10 more seconds, maybe I would be sub-2:45 for 500m and sub 5:50 for 1000m. For 500m, I kept up with Ruiting and Christine for about 250m when I just died out after having one of my best starts. There's still so much to work on..

Thursday was the JH1s joining us, and we had outdoor cooking, our group's food was so nice that most of it got eaten by people from other groups. Baohui makes very good apple crumble, she should open a bakery next time, I would eat there every day. And the Saus Manis Chicken was amazing. We just used the sauce for a marinade and added more and more when we cook, but it was successful. And we added uncooked bell peppers for decoration. Those peppers tasted bad because Shiyun doesn't like vegetables. In the end, our two boxes of salad were 1/5 eaten by our group and the others eaten by people who didn't want to waste food.

(I sound like a grandma now.)

Friday was fun race + reflections + break camp.

I think I'll just talk about reflections.

Everyone's been worrying for nats. The lineup, whether we can hit our target timings, whether the team boats will work out, whether we'll have enough points, whether we can make do with what we have.

It's going to be my first competitive nats. There's excitement, but there's also fear. I don't want to be a burden on the K4. I'm afraid that my 100% isn't good enough. That I can't push as hard as the others. All sorts of worries and fears.

The best thing we can do now is to look at each other, trust each other, and know that we are strong, that we are good, that we can do this. Together.

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters as compared to what lies within us."

I hope that when SCM comes, I'll be ready. I don't want to pull Celeste down, I don't want her to pull my weight. I really hope that I won't disappoint her. Seeing how I am in the K2 now, I still have so much more to go.

I need to control my emotions better, if I want to be a good senior, which I have to.

When the juniors were discussing the B Div 2015 lineup without me there, without telling me about it until I asked, I just blew up inside. I didn't scream at them, but I'm pretty sure there was a murderous look on my face or something like that. I just couldn't calm down.

Then I look at the way Celeste speaks to them, it's just so different. It's like she understands them better than I do, and I'm pretty sure they had rather talk to her than me, since I'm that 激动 JH2 senior who looks like she's going to blow her top anytime.

Ying says that Celeste can control her emotions well, plus she has that charisma that makes you want to listen to her. Celeste doesn't scream or rage, but she can get the message across. I doubt I even have half of what she has.

All the attendance stuff, the latecoming, the punishments, the fact that I just can't communicate the importance to them makes me want to tear my hair out. I wouldn't have even survived a week with them if not for the JH3s. They take care of the kids too, even better than I can. Thank you everything you've done for me, it really means a lot, honestly. :)

I think I failed as a senior. If I can't even understand them, talk to them, not lose my temper at them, how am I going to lead them into B Div 2015?

I just hope a better day will come.

When they will finally cooperate with me. Or in this case, me controlling my emotions.

When I can be sure they can take care of themselves.

And I'm worried that they will quit because I scold them too much or because they keep being punished for being late. And when they are late despite warnings and reminders so many times, it's hard to be nice and say, "It's alright, my dear, you are a jewel, of course you can take your time. Of course it's my fault that you are late. Of course it's my fault that you have to do pushups."

I hate pretending to be nice, pretending that everything's fine, when it isn't.

But because it's only going to be me as their senior in B Div 2015, I have to tahan all this. I hope it's temporary.

I'm stressing over my juniors for my B Div 2015 when I'm still worrying for my nats next year, how I'm going to cope and try not to fail JH3, how I'm going to spend time with the people I love yet balance paddling and studies and trying to live some of my dreams.

Sorry for the rants.

It's been a pretty conflicting two weeks.

Some things are so good. Some things are just bad.

And I got a bruised finger and thigh from bench pull and tyre flip during land.

I hope I'm strong enough for all the incoming obstacles.

I just want to be a good teammate. An understanding senior.

Dealing with juniors and my oneders are worlds apart. Talking to the oneders comes so naturally, right from the start. To think we're only one year apart, yet so huge a difference.

I guess it's because the oneders have that magical touch to all twenty-three of us. I've never experienced such close bonds, besides within my family. And the oneders did that within two years.

Everything's pretty messed up.

I'm looking forward to Saturday when I can see my oneders after a long time.

That's when I can properly start ranting.

My pillar of strength. Family.

Because we are a family.

It's been slightly more than five weeks since 2nd November 2013.

I still think of my buskers and oneders everyday.

We haven't had a proper buskers photo besides the one at the wedding.

Damn, I miss you all so much.

I put these 2 photos cos Demon and Mizuki only looked at the camera for one pic XP so technically I combined two pictures to form a proper buskers photo.

Back to the holidays.

I gotta finish my homework before I fly off. Still got horrible chinese and the LA speech, math more or less done, science is done in small bits. At least no physics :)

I'm in AH next year, and looking through my next year's class list, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to have a perfect four years.

I'm very lucky to have 4/7 of the buskers with me in 301. Megan, THQ, Mizuki and me. And there's Ironman, who is my brother-in-law. Gwen and Demon in A-science, then Blaire in the MEP class. Seven people, three classes. I hope we'll all be together for lessons or something like that, I can't imagine going for Math without Blaire or THQ, I'm so used to both of them sitting/sleeping/slacking with me.

If anyone besides the five of us calls themselves ONEders for being in 301, I'll saw their heads off and skin them alive. Megan promised to do so too. 301 is not Onederland. And it will never be onederland.

This post is supposed to be for my oneders. No one else.

(And so I took down some of my JB posters and replaced 1/3 of the wall with oneder/busker photos. Then the middle are for motivational quotes to keep me inspired for nats, and the other 1/3 is for team photos in the future years.)

Okay let's start this post proper.

Thank you for the two beautiful years, I couldn't ask for more. Honest.

The fact that we could go up to anyone in class, pull out a chair, and just sit there and talk for hours is so magical. 

I was just rewatching the onederland video on Sunday night, then reading all the messages in the book.

And I buried myself under the quilt and cried.

I miss the twenty-two of you so much. I guess the next four years will be sitting in our own classes and looking out at the tree outside and longing for onederland to return.

Next year, give us one day. Just one day, and we sit together in a class with round tables and catch up on everything that we missed.

And we go to Botanic Gardens and take a oneder picture in front of the gates and compare to our JH1 photos and cry and smile and laugh over all of us growing up.

And in the evening, we buy food and sit at our special place in Vivo and just feel the love in the air.

And we take the mrt and keep on going, wishing that there be a "onederland" station where all of us get off.

Then we go home and reality strikes. It's not gonna happen.

But you can't just suck it up and move on.

You'll never be able to get over this.

But I still hold on to the hope that one day, all 23 of us will just go out together, just like the old times.

We will watch each other grow up and fall in love (even between oneders) and eat a tub of ice cream when our hearts get broken.

We will go backpacking after college together, we will ride the largest roller coaster in this world, we'll go parachuting and scuba diving together, we'll live in one huge apartment, cook for each other, take care of each other.

And have the time of our lives.

Then as we become working adults, we go to each others' weddings, we see each of us having the chance to stand in the hall of fame, we see each other having their own families, we become godparents because onederland never changed.

And we watch each others' children grow up, as we all begin to retire and have white hair and wrinkles, but we still love each other at 50 years old.

When we are old but not so old, we can still walk through sunflower fields, visit the places we went in Malaysia, go to the beach in Carribean, and help each other fulfill our lifelong dreams.

Maybe, when we're old and gnarled, with our wheelchairs and walking sticks, we still go out for a meal with our dentures, we marvel over each others' grandchildren, or even great-grandchildren.

Maybe some of us would live to a ripe old age. Some of us maybe earlier. But we are there for each other.

And I want to be able to say, we've been together for more than seventy years. A family for seventy odd years.

Yeah, that's what I want.

I guess that's my version of my onederland fairytale.

I just want to say, I'm glad all of you were here to share these amazing journey with me.

And I really wish that this journey wouldn't just end here.

I truly hope that we have decades of memories together, so many miles to travel together, so many words we haven't said.

I hope that we are all there to share the little bits of happiness when we grow up, from our first love, graduation, making our family proud, getting married, having kids, living our dreams.

One day.

Andre Gide said, "Men cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore."

People say, let it go.

01 is just a chapter in your life, it's has closed, you just got to move on.

You just got to keep those memories and that's it.

But I can't. We can't.

I will discover new oceans. And I will lose sight of the shore.

But only if the people I love are with me.

That's selfish.

But I love them, and I want them to be by my side.

To be there to share my happiness, to lessen my sorrow, or just smile and laugh.

As oneders.

One day, we can just sit in the forest, under the night sky, and just watch the stars forever.

Forget all the burdens, all our troubles, just breathe in the air and stay frozen in that picture.

That's a beautiful picture, I would like that land of fantasy.

Maybe one day we'll celebrate a white christmas together, in front of a fireplace with hot chocolate.

Maybe we'll get on this Disney cruise and sail the world.

Maybe we'll live our dreams.

Maybe we'll have all the people we love with us.

Maybe we'll all be happy.

Maybe life is perfect.

Dreams do come true.

In the most magical way.

Let's just grow old with the people we love.

Then we'll leave a mark in this world.

We'll have a nice cottage in the country.

And we pick cherry apples for a living.

We become moms and dads.

We have a big family.

And we are happy.

Please be happy.

If there's one thing I can give you,

I would give you happiness.

Yeah, I miss you guys.

So damn much.

"all we want is a fighting chance to live our dreams."

It has been an amazing five days. One of the best camps ever.

For once, I didn't want it to end.

I wanted to stay there and sleep on the hard floor, eat my food from my container with my Group 4 + Eight Princesses, wash my own plates, climb the steps from grandstand to the dorms, wait for the shower, to eat after lights out with Celeste, to just talk and gay with everyone I could find.

For starters, the camp had the feel to it. While it was a training camp, it was so magical. The atmosphere was good right from the start, when we did 2.4 the first thing in the morning.

I could hardly sleep the night before because of the time trial. The target was simple: sub 12. But every time I took it, the improvement in number of seconds started to drop, when it got harder to shave off the seconds. The previous improvement was a 13s improvement, and if I were to improve by 13s again, my timing would be exactly 12, and not the 11+ I wanted.

I didn't know how I ran. I had a bad start, like how I always do when I run. The A and B Div girls started together, and I was at the back, but the first round was fast. Usually my timing for the first round would be 1:50, but this time, it was 1:30+. The shock and surprise gave the burst and energy to keep it going, and the constant encouragement did wonders whenever I felt like dying out. My lungs were already burning out after the first round, which was both good and bad. The bad meaning my stamina wasn't up to it, the good was that whenever my lungs burnt during time trials, I improve a lot.

I tried to keep every round under 2 minutes, and after the fifth round, I was under 10, and I just told myself, it's now or never, finish it like it's your last. I'm glad I got under 12 minutes by quite a bit, more than what I expected :) but I really hope I can maintain for the next TT.

Then we watched Without Limits, about Steve Prefontaine. His story is one that I'll remember, that he kept on running, kept on lasting throughout the pain. I really hope I'm strong enough to not just last, but give back to the people, to the seniors, the juniors, the team.

We had 200 pushups, the only proper punishment we ever had for being late in these 5 days. I think we might have scared away all the people from our side of the canteen...

In the afternoon was 10km Time Trial. For the first 4km, I was trying to catch the C1 guys, Ronnie and Timothy. It took much longer than usual to catch to them, the gap between us widening and closing every now and then. But them being the target really helped improve my timing.

Yingo had set the target for me to be sub 70min, my PB being around 72. I had to go under 7 minutes per km, and as every lap went by, the timings were all quite fine until I capsized at the 9km mark as I was turning. While I had tracked the time in which I capped, the disappointment is still there. Of course it took more than 36s to get on the pontoon and empty the boat, since the timing with capsize was 1:10:35, but I really wanted to properly see my timing of sub 70. Give and take a couple of seconds, it was around 67 minutes. It's a five minute improvement, compared to the other 30s improvements during training. And the next target for me is sub 65.

So that's it for day one.

Unless you count Celeste poking me in the middle of the night and asking me to turn over and not remembering it in the morning.