"I wanna see you be brave." - Sara Barailles

Do you not think it hurts us?
Do you think we don't see it?
Do you think we've given up on you?

Somewhere out there is someone who cares, someone who wishes to make you smile, make you happy, to get a glimpse of your accommodating side. But why won't you let us in?

I go to school each day, and I see people being insecure of who they are, how they look, their grades, themselves. Afraid of being judged, being ostracized, being nobody. And I go home and look at all their rants, about the times they curled up at a corner and cried, the times when they said no one was there for them, the times they hated themselves.



We see it, you know. We feel it. Do you think we don't want and give you a hug? To share a tub of ice-cream with you?

But why do you just push us away?

We are scared for you. We hate knowing the fact that you are troubled, yet we can do nothing about it. And it hurts, so bad.

I just want to be there for you.


I love you for who you are. Always.

Have you ever seen yourself in a mirror when you smile, when you laugh, when you talk? Do you not see how lovely you look when you are happy? You will never see your true self. Only we will.

I just want to tell you that I'm here for you. That you are gorgeous, just the way you are.

But can you see it?

"We stopped checking for monsters under our beds when we realized they were inside us."

The sky is now dark and I'm listening to a beautiful song, Westlife: The Way You Look Tonight.

But right now, as I write this, as you read this, the world is not beautiful. Much as we hate to admit it, this world is corrupted. We know the ugly of this place we live in, we don't need to see it to know that. It's in our bones, that we learn to avoid and fear it. But sometimes, it just happens.

Murder. Kidnap. Theft. Abuse. Rape. It's sick, it's horrid, it's inhumane. Hearing, reading, knowing about it is bad enough. Think of those people out there who had experienced the taste of torture, who had so bright a future that laid ahead being robbed entirely of it by that one merciless being. You don't have to be killed to give up on your dreams. You just have to be scarred from the fear of being used once more, and that will keep you in the shell your attacker made for you. So easy to create, yet almost indestructible. No matter how strong a person you are, you can never be blamed for not letting it go, ever in your life. The most precious is trust. It's so strong that it can break you apart with one move.

How can someone do this to another person? We are humans, we are equal, what did the person do to deserve all these? Nothing. Because we call it insanity. Plead guilty with the reason of insanity, but it's too late. We lost a soul in this world.

We judge people for what they do. But their actions are the result of their thinking. How about judging people from their sanity from now on? To see if they have morals, if they are amused by someone in pain.

Humans are capable of so much, we use our power for the wrong things, for the worst reasons. It's barbaric.

How can someone find joy in one's suffering?

As you read this right now, there's a girl out there being raped. There's a child being kidnapped. There's a man being stabbed. There's a old lady being abused by her children. There's a helpless old man being robbed of his mere few pennies. The outcast being taunted, the families weeping, the soul breaking apart.

We are a cruel world.

Why are doing this? There is no answer, and there never will be one.

Because we are and will always be like that.

The demons in the human race. Stop it already.

More than just a scar

We say that we live with no regrets. That's what I tell myself too, yet there are always times when we long to turn the time back, to just switch that one decision that changed our minds, turn our lives upside down. It was regret.

Waveboarding, even until now, is still a sport I love, so much. I taught myself how to waveboard, and that was when all the foolishness came in. And the flying off the waveboard, down the slope. But just three months after that accident that I will never forget, I'm back to it. My waveboard came loose and split into two just two weeks ago, but it's fixed now. I can't bear to give it up; it means the world to me.

I have had two accidents on it, where I injured myself. The first was when I first purchased it. I didn't even know how to waveboard at that time, and it was at the carpark rooftop. I just flew off and sprained my wrist, and I avoided it for six months. Then, I got back on and started to waveboard naturally. Then I was hao-lian and yes, that's when the lovely second mishap came in.

I've told only a few people how it really felt like, as I was going down that slope. The bad thing was that I could balance, and those 10 seconds of fear was the worst moments of my life. It isn't the normal fear. It was so urgent, and I thought I was going to die. I knew the pain would come anytime soon, and I was still contemplating whether or not to jump off and risk crashing into a tree or lamppost. Schade. I flew off.

I landed on my chin, with my hands scraping on the ground. I fractured my chin, of course. And there was a crunch. Not a crack, but that sickening crunch of my bones breaking. Then, blood. It gushed out on my black tee and white pants, like a whole lot. I lost 17 teeth parts, broke both jaw sockets and my chin. I needed 9 stitches and had countless abrasions. But these are just physical injuries. Somehow, I regret going out to waveboard that day, yet if I didn't fall down that day, I wouldn't have became the person I am.

Number one, I learnt not to eat hard food due to my fillings. Two, my pain tolerance got a hell lot higher. Third, I learnt not to take things for granted.

I may not have died that day, but believe me, I was so scared that I would die. I was scared I would just hit my head or something and not wake up the next day. Even after the accident, I was just scared of the pain. I didn't even look at the NPark I had my accident in. I just kept thinking about the pain. One day, I just told myself to forget about everything, and that same day, I took out my waveboard and I started to waveboard once more. The accident's behind me.

That scar on my chin is more than just a memory of the accident. That scar was why I entered canoeing, which made me who I am. The scar taught me that I kind of cheated death. That scar was a lucky one. The scar made me be brave, made me fight, and despite the fact that I was injured (I still am and will always be), I still went back to the same sport. Because there was nothing to make me not "return" to it.

This beautiful scar is what made me want to be a hospice worker. While the families tear their hair out knowing that their loved one is dying, the fear that they feel is so different. Just like how the dying person feels. Scared of death, scared of what's going to happen next. I had that 10 seconds of fear, a different kind. I may not be able to feel the same way, and I never will unless I have first-hand experience. I will only try to ease the pain as best as I can, and that's all I can do.

People say the scar is a sign of my clumsiness (I didn't fly off straightaway, ya know, I could balance for a while) and of my stupidity. I've long gotten over it. It doesn't matter what they say, I just want to be myself, be who I am, and make a difference.

I want to be brave even when I'm scared. I want to fight with them even if they are dying. I want to be happy even when everyone procrastinates. So many people say, "I'm just a normal person." I think differently, I'm not ashamed of it. I don't want to be normal anyway.

And it's more than just a scar. It's part of me. 

I spoke too soon

I'm really, freaking pissed off right now.

I think I would have exploded at him if not for the others trying to "console" us?

They said that he was being extremely b****y today, that we were working very hard, that they were said the same things when they were our age. They said that they were already very proud of us, that he wasn't talking about us. But still, "JH2s" mean us, isn't it? So he's talking about us, case close.

He said that we weren't training hard enough. He said that we barely fulfilled training requirements, that we were stagnant, never improving, for a very long time. He said that the seniors were so much better than us when they were our age, and that the juniors would very easily catch up and overtake us the moment they come in. Excuse you, I don't think so.

Three times a week for land and three times a week for water. That's totally not fulfilling requirements? It was only during this week that we went for two water trainings, then you come and complain. When we were training our asses off, you said nothing. Can't we just have one break?

Yes, you're speaking to the guys. Everyone said that it wasn't directed at us. Still, do you know how much it hurts when we push hard, you say that we're slacking? If what we do is considered slacking, I can assure you that next year, the bunch of JH2s (the current 'talented' juniors) are a hell lot worse. You say that they are strong? Really? 他们又厚脸皮，又不肯忍受痛苦，死定了。

The junior guys (esp. that skinny one in the JK1) are cocky. Not all, some are very nice, but the others are just plain cocky or just have that I-don't-give-a-damn-I'll-just-sink-this-boat attitude. The junior girls are like. I don't know how to say it.

The know they are seen as talented, and they use it to their fullest extent. They don't listen when we try to teach them, because they are so-called 'good'. We can't say anything because we aren't talented like them.

LOOK AT HOW MANY TALENTS THERE WERE WHO EVENTUALLY COULDN'T HOLD OUT IN OUR BATCH.

I DON'T WANT TALENT. I WANT HARD WORK, DEDICATION AND PASSION.

IF YOU ARE READING THIS NOW: I DON'T CARE HOW GOOD YOU STARTED OUT. HOW GOOD PEOPLE THOUGHT OF YOU. UNLESS YOU PROVE IT TO ME THAT YOU HAVE A REAL HEART IN WHAT YOU DO, I DON'T THINK OF YOU AS GOOD.

This is a very sensitive topic. Talent.

I'm sorry, but this is how I see it.

Running at 13 minutes for 2.4km at JH1 means nothing to me. Running at 9 minutes mean nothing to me.

But if you tell me, "I'm going to train hard, I'm going to give my best" and you go out there and do it, then I'll take my words back.

Prove me wrong. But if you all are not going to change your mentality, I can count on myself to be right for this. For once.

It's gonna be different next time

I don't know, but I just got this feeling that the team will be a lot different with the JH1s joining in next year.

It's like, the girls seem so... fearless. And their English is very chim, unlike majority of us. They speak in the 'angmoh qiang' while we blabber out in Singlish and dialects, failing to speak in proper English even during debrief xD

And back to the fearless thing, it's not that I'm asking for them to bow down at me and give me the greatest respect, but the discipline is like a whole lot worse. Even for our own batch, we were all terrified of the seniors. We didn't speak to them unless necessary, and when we took K2s with them, we didn't even dare to ask for a rest or a water break in fear of getting scolded, because we knew how hard they trained and we wanted to live up to those expectations after joining the team.

Then, when I take the K2 with the juniors, I find myself always telling them not to be stressed out, always asking if they are okay and if they need a rest every 500m. I make jokes and I'm really easygoing with them. And I can't call them thick-skinned for asking to rest, because paddling is really tiring for them, but they always do. And when the seniors scold them or at least get them to listen, they will be like, "So what?" And that's when I feel like hammering their heads.

Everyone says that they are a talented bunch, with AEP and MEP. The JH3s are the smart batch. The JH4s are the sports batch. Then, there's this random JH2 batch which is 1) horrible behaviour 2) poor attitudes 3) very playful 4) struggle with studies 5) struggle with sports 6) huge lack of talents in every department 7) the worst cohort ever known.

Maybe it's just me being sensitive here. But every time the seniors tell the CAFE kids, "You have a lot of potential. You started out a lot better than all of us. You guys are very talented.", I just hate that feeling. Honestly, no one ever said that our bunch was talented, but they did say that when the current JH3s were our age, they were better than us.

Our batch got scolded for lack of training, lack of initiative, lack of discipline and the list goes on. We're not perfect, I'm sorry for that. But I just don't understand the barrier between the JH2s and the seniors, yet the JH1s can be more easygoing with the seniors, as if they've known them for years. The juniors treat us, treat me, as a friend of the same age, someone they can "play" around with, not a senior. They say respect is earned, but I think there has to be a line drawn. But between us and the seniors, it's not just a line. It's a wall.

I think the JH2s are actually pretty bonded, despite our social awkwardness. We understand how each other feel, but we can still be so much better. And I can foresee that after next year's Nat Schools for the C Div 2014, there will be nothing but heaps of praise for the juniors. I still don't understand, but I know it's going to happen.

My juniors may be reading this right now. Some juniors are really nice, but I just see it as a general whole. After all, I don't know y'all personally, maybe I'll change my perspective. Maybe it's just a hasty generalization (fallacies here), but this is what I feel. Yes, I have to admit that they are a talented bunch in the arts, but sports-wise, I believe we're all the same.

Berenice can balance in a tiger without seat, she's definitely a talent. Well, I'm sorry that I was only placed in a Tiger for the first time during NCC training. Sorry that I was so bad that I was overlooked over everyone else who tried a tiger. Sorry that I couldn't lift the weights, that I couldn't do pullups, that I couldn't do sprints, that I couldn't last in a run, that I am just the worst. I hope I proved everyone wrong. I really hope I did. Now that I think of it, all I see is a blonde paddling in front of me in a tiger while I'm stuck in a JK1. I was that bad, I guess.

My accident caused me to have one training in a T1 during Advanced Cafe, not to mention that before my accident, I told Ms Ng that I was going to Advanced Cafe Canoeing and she gave me a judging(?) look. Like she doubted I would last, since I had to retake my NAPFA..Anyways, I remember that training really clearly. I took a T1 without seat and I didn't capsize at all; it was my first time. And I watch juniors getting praised for capsizing only six times in a T1 without seat, and that's for guys, and that's after countless trainings. Our batch is a different batch. We are from the 99, one of the most special years in the century.

Then, the next time I took a single craft was during the holidays. I took a JK1 and clocked 10km mileage, capsizing once. Anya is a talent and she goes for 2km and just capsized 3 times. No offence intended here, I'm just so tired of all the comparisons. Yes lah, they rock and we suck. Just like captain's ball (don't get me started on that day).

(Please excuse me, I know I'm offending nearly everyone here. I'm suddenly emo and in the very rare b**** mode.)

It's time to prove everyone wrong. We have to. Much as the juniors are spoon-fed, we won't be. The seniors and teachers can be strict and hard on us, but easy on the juniors. But I think it's time that I let go on the strictness of the JH3 girls which I couldn't comprehend. All I'm going to do is to toughen the JH1 girls up, and stop them from asking for rest every 500m, stop them from walking, and let them know what we really are.

I will always remember what I do during trainings when I first came in.
- Carry 2 T1s again and again. (The juniors find one T1 very painful to their shoulders.)
- Hurry get back onto the boat when I capsize. (The juniors laugh in the water, does not flip the boat even when screamed at, still calls friend to look at him/her.)
- We aim to not capsize at all. (They say that they might not join because they like to capsize.)
- We always listen to whatever is said, and we do it as best as we can and we get scolded and punished. (They retort back at us, they fool around, they complain, they WALK in late while we're all running, we do pushups for them, THEY ARE PRAISED AS TALENTS, WHICH IS WHAT WE NEVER WERE)
- We pushed on without rest for fear of lack of discipline. (They whine for rest and complain about cramps/fatigue/younameit)

To the girls who will be coming in next year.
It's no use if you are talented. All you need is hard work, it'll get you further than any talents. You need the dedication. You need us to push you, scold you, discipline you. You need to hate us before you understand it's for your own good.

This is what I believe I went through. And I hope that I'll be the senior I want to be, to be the senior my seniors were to me. Which brought me here.

Canoeing is a whole different story.

I hope that you know what we're doing for you, and that you will be true NJ canoeists, good seniors to the younger ones.

We are two totally different batches, but I hope that in 2015, we will be strong.

NJ Canoeing will be really different next time.