If there ever comes a day we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever.

I can't bear to say goodbye, honestly, but I have to, one day. We have two more months together, then we say goodbye. But I hope it's not for good, I hope that as the years go by, we'll still be friends, not strangers. One of the most beautiful chapters in my life is coming to a close very, very soon, and I know I'm going to cry because I don't want to leave it. I don't want to grow up and make new friends and be in a new environment. We are perfect for each other, I wish we would just stay frozen at this time; this age, and we'll be happy.

A toast to these really onederful, unique people that made me happy these two short years.

(I'll go by index number.) UNDERGOING EDITING

Angela - She's one of the happiest person I've ever known, always bubbling with energy and loudness, yet she has a very sweet side to her. Angie's one of the most generous, loving girl you would get to know, and I'm going to miss her smiles and laughter, so, so much. I love you girl, thank you for being one of the main reasons why we're so bonded. <3

Monisha - My fellow Potterhead, honestly, we can talk for hours about it. Moni's a very direct person, and I  support her eating habits! We got quite close this year, over food and Potter, and she makes you laugh a lot too. If I had two words to describe her: Sexy rebel xD

Chonghui - Helloo 虫虫 :) Honestly, when we first sat together, we didn't talk much, but it has been quite a few months liao, we grew a lot closer! She's very intelligent (looks can be deceiving :P ) and she sings very well (hidden talent actually!). We depend on each other when we sleep in class and she's my duet partner. She knows a lot of songs others don't know (the only one who can equal to her is only WW, Megan and THQ) We sing under our breaths a lot.. TURN AROUND BRIGHT EYES She's a fantastic person and a very responsible LA rep -ahem-

Jolene - She's my daughter, or my hubby in class. My spazzing buddy for my boyfriends and hubbies, and a very talented girl. She's smiles a lot (Saya suka very much) and has a flair for dancing. Brainy gal too, one of the first person I've known in 201! I hope we stay close baby <3

Hwee Sean - My daughter! We've gotten a lot closer as compared to last year, I'm glad we've sorted that our :) A very precious friend who gives very good advice, with very high moments too :D We have had a couple of heart-to-heart talks and she's a very good confidante ;) I know we're still going to be very good friends even in JH3, because I can see the future of us -winks- I love you daughter <3

Shi Yun - That's me and I think I should describe myself too. Hmmm, a very fabulous person who likes to eat ALOT. A canoeist, future social worker, busker. Loyal football fan to Madrid and Liverpool (surprise surprise xD ) and recently Woodlands Wellington hehehe my Kampung. My single will be on Billboard one day :P

Claire - The short triplet. Very brainy yet very stupid girl, but very talented in the arts. Annoying brat who complains a lot. Seldom very nice though. We are married yet we're siblings, haiyo. An awesome girl with very good comebacks (or more of insults). My fellow busker whom I love a lot too :D

Gwyneth - The tallest and oldest triplet. Julius Caesar lover, likes animals a lot. Super smart busker, married to Ironman, the sarcastic penguin. Weakness for ice milo upsize without ice. Food queen too. Very good person to spazz with over nothing xD very very lovable friend, actually, and a dutiful and very willing art rep :P

Jonina - Mizuki has one of the nicest hair you'll ever fine, LA genius! Musical talent too at the guitar and piano, a very very funny and good friend. Occasionally has very good advice eheheh and the best friend of toads/frogs/cockroaches/lizards/snails/rats/turtlesYOUNAMEIT. RIP Hugo btw, but she got over the death of her best friend of 10 seconds xD Never boring, super fun to be with and my fellow Solarian and partner during house session (talking while Ms Phua is talking)

Xinyi - A very precious friend, I love our talks together, be it heart to heart or just random nonsense. My fellow Directioner who accepts my love for Louis <3 she's really good at dancing, I hope she'll be more confident about herself, and see herself in a better light :) I love you dear

Megan - My mom. She's tall and has a beautiful voice and likes to insult my singing even though its so goood. And she'll make a great netballer, and she's my confidante and lunch buddy (sometimes). Really close to this horrible busker :P and I love you mom thank you for everything you rock but I'm more fabulous :))

Stuck.

Honestly, I can't think of how to get the HFH project going.

Firstly, I'm caught up with studies and training and all my other commitments that I miss VIA opportunities ALL THE DAMN TIME. Four times a week in the morning, three times for water, plus my theory, piano, german, and yoga (which just ended, but I enjoyed it tremendously).

I know all my friends are willing to help and support me, but since I created the idea, I should be responsible of taking charge, yet I'm clueless. Doing some things to fulfil my dream would definitely clear my mind, but how do I stop all these things? I can't even go for the class lunch on Friday because I have to go for water, and since it's CAFE, all the more I need to recruit people or my 2015 B Div is screwed.

It's like I'm planning my life, something which I vowed never to do. I tell myself that it's okay to get stuck in the wrong train somewhere, so long I'm happy. But right now, I want to slow down, but I can't afford to, because once I do so, something bad's bound to happen. I need an anchor.

Boarding would do me a lot of good. More sleep, more rest, more energy, and easier to recruit people. I love my sport, I love the people, but there aren't any more mornings when I get to see the oneders. There aren't any more afternoons where I can stay back and lepak in the classrooms because I just rush off to my own stuff without more than a word. Even during break times, I'm down completing the weights programme and fulfilling my pull-up quota. We need to breathe sometime too. And back to my point about VIA.

The SPCA thingy is too late now, I suppose. And Tammy's VIA opportunity just didn't catch my eye... It isn't the kind of thing that I would do. My cup of tea would be true interaction with people, talking about their lives, not about science.

This isn't a plea for help. This is just what I'm feeling now, and maybe tomorrow will be a better day, who knows?

I'm still on for my own hair shaving project, but please tell me where to begin and how. We're all so caught up in our lives that we tend to forget that there are still people out there who needs to be loved a little more.

here's to these amazing ladies

This is officially a dedication to this group of really fantastic bunch of people whom I love, so much. My buskers.

I've said that so many times, but truly, they mean the world to me. So just a warning, if you're gonna date them, be prepared to be JUDGED by me (and all of us) and you'd better not dump any of them, or you might just end up with a broken jaw, much by accident :) Do note that it doesn't have to be just guys because I have a feeling not all of us are straight *ahem ahem*

But honestly, they are my second family. Again, I always say they keep me sane from all the crap that's part and parcel of a teenage life, but we made so much memories together, and I will never forget them. I'm glad the seven of us had the chance to meet, to bond, to be the buskers. Sounds cliche, but I think it was fate that brought us all together. We are complete.

We are so different, yet so similar, it's so complicated, yet so simple. It's hard to understand our bond, but it doesn't matter to me. All that matters is that they're with me, and the tears can flow another day. We go to each other for different things, but we do know each other like the back of our hands. Sometimes, when someone makes a little joke, we would just catch one another's eyes and grin, laughing internally at our inside joke that no one else understands. 

There are six long long speeches I wish to make but if I'm going to do so, we would be grandmas by then. I know I'm a power momma -cues applause and cheers and fangirls and fanboys- but so much lah *shy shy*.

Still, I'm sure y'all know what I'm going to say, so brace yourselves...

The first thing the buskers did for me was to pull me out of my shell. I was a quiet and awkward tomato (not a potato) in class, and apparently all of us were too.. but somehow or rather, we found all of us at one corner of the room, just us, and that's where it all began. 

Thank you for making me laugh, making me cry, making my life worth living. It's amazing how you understand how I feel, even without any words. That knowing look in your eyes, that slight smile tugging on your lips, it shows how much we know one another. If there was one thing that was perfect, it would be those happy memories we shared. Technically, we didn't have many sad memories, because all the sad things still ended on a high note because of y'all.

We are retarded, mature, happy, loving, crazy, hungry and most importantly, BUSKERS. We are going to sing together one day, we're going to record a song together, we're going to create an MV and rock the world (of our own). It doesn't matter that we're judged and all, because we don't care about it in the first place. What that matters: us.

I really don't know how else to tell you guys that you rock. In our hearts, we already know that. Just like how I know how fabulous and sensational I am. 

I really hope that as this chapter of our lives closes, we are still together as one. I know, we aren't going to be as close anymore, but just remember that we got each other's backs, that we still hold on to that hope that we, Buskers in a Caravan, live on.

One day, our name's gonna be in the hall of fame. Just believe.

It's all these little things build up the flesh, the blood, the backbone of ourselves. You taught me so much, I hope I taught you a lot too haha! I believe we learnt from one another, and we are happy the way we are now.

Don't leave the legacy behind and be buried in those dusty books of boring historians. Bring it on in our lives, no matter how heavy or how tiring it is, it'll be worth it, I promise.

Megan. Demon. THQ. Blaire. Gwen. Mizuki. Ah Yun. 

Presenting to you, Buskers in a Caravan!

I will NEVER  forget that night.

Thank you for everything :')

A toast to our success, to our love, to us, the buskers.

Honest.

Alone.

I love to be with people, to talk to them, to laugh with them, to cry with them. The feelings of having someone with you and being alone are worlds apart. Yet, we need to be alone once in a while.

The only "me" time I get is whilst walking back home from the interchange or MRT station. Yet, it's only a few minutes. Usually, after training, I go home with JW and WW, so we talk, unless we're sitting far from each other due to the crowd. I'll just listen to songs and emo and watch the life bustling outside in the world. I think about what I do. I think about what I should have done. I think about what's going to happen next.

I can't seem to concentrate when I'm with someone else chatting. Even at night, I can never reflect about anything if there's someone near me. Like in boarding, I just fall into bed and sleep because I can't do anything else. At home, so long everyone's asleep, I can start to play images in my head, and that's when the thinking starts. I don't plan what I'm going to do next, because instinct is the key. I set a target, and that's all.

Focusing on my daily reflections alone is hard. When I was younger, I tended to get distracted easily. I trained my mind every night by closing my eyes and play out imaginary stories in my head until I fall asleep. Every night without fail, as long as I'm alone. It took two years before the concentration was as easy as breathing. I could picture anything in my head, with my eyes close, and never lose concentration. That's also why I zone out so easily, because it's already part of me to be in that little shell once in a while.

It helps when I need to concentrate. It's also why I always screw my oral up, because I can't concentrate while speaking with someone else. For writing, I get my concentration immediately, and the inspiration comes very quickly. That's a pro for me. In training, I can focus better, but the confidence has to be up. As Reuven said, the moment you wake up, the focus has to be there. You must know that you are ready. And every single time I wake up, I don't go back to sleep anymore. Because my mind has already began ticking.

(Unrelated)
Every morning before land training or holiday water training, I ask myself, "Why are you doing this? Why are you waking up at 5+ just to go to school or Macritchie when all your other friends are still sleeping?"

I just know I need to do it. That's me. It's in my blood. Maybe it already was, but only through this big family did I realise it existed.

This is one reason why I'm still here. Time alone.

Maybe I need one, soon.

It takes more than yourself to give your best

First, to all those out there who are stalking me, this isn't what you'll enjoy again, it's about training and some other things that you may find boring. Just a heads up.

So, this isn't totally about weights or running or paddling. It's more of everything about the team and the sport as a whole. To those who think that canoeing is hardcore (and that's why you didn't join us), what can I say? We push hard for the sport, be it land or water or whatever we do, but the only thing that keeps me rooted to it is the people. The people who actually understand how you feel. That they actually care and want the best for you. It's the people and what I've learnt that kept me going. Without it, I would have been long gone. Physical fitness isn't enough. It's the mental and emotional strength from the sport that keeps you sane, that keeps you going no matter how many times you feel like dying, that you feel like giving up. It's the feeling of knowing that others are pushing just as hard as you, and that you are going to do the same. That others shout encouragement that keeps you from giving up, and you shout back to motivate not just them, but ourselves. It's more than just a sport.

So we had yoga yesterday until 6+, then the three of us stayed behind to talk to Siongyee. She wanted to see Jiawen only, but I'm glad Wang and I went along, it felt so much better letting it out to someone who knows how you feel. I admit, I was shocked that she actually sat us down to talk. She never seemed as one who would open up, but deep down, she cares. She reminds me of Madeline, maybe a not-so-vocal one, but all the same, it means a lot. I was also really touched after she told us about her experiences, and how we should be. Not just in the sport, but everything else. It was like having a burden lifted from your shoulders, because this is the first time I can let a lot of stuff out in which many others do not understand. And she's even more like Mad after our hug. Then, there's that feeling; that feeling I dread so much. That Mad and Siong are going to leave after Nats next year. I'm really going to miss them, a lot. And everyone else. It's just going one and a half years, or even lesser, but the SH taught me so much. After the talk, I just told myself, "It's not going to be so bad after all. God was right, things happen for a reason."

Then, for training today, the feeling came again. We were to do 2km and 5km time trials, one of each. The 2km one was alright, but 5km is the killer, especially when you are trying to execute the right technique no matter what, yet your cycle rate has to be fast and constant. At the start, I already felt tired. Mentally drained. And I had to keep reminding myself to focus and hit the feelers and twist no matter what. My core felt like collapsing, but I forced myself to sit up straight, and push on as hard as ever. The first three kilometres were hell, because everyone started overtaking as I got tired, and no matter how hard I felt like chasing them, and I tried, I failed to catch up. Then, Risa came along.

The first thing she did was to say "Go Shiyun." Then she started paddling with me, getting me to keep up the technique no matter what. She kept on saying, "You are strong. So strong. So good. Come on, still fresh, doing so well." That really kept me going. That was what I needed. As I paddled, I actually felt like crying out that I had just gotten what I really needed and lacked. She urged me to continue chasing her, and I did. That was when I slowly started to overtake the people I see, rather than watching others overtaking me.

During the final lap, Reuven, John and Nick(?) were at the side, encouraging those doing the time trial. When I came along, they kept saying, "Come on Shiyun, you can do it. Still strong, still fresh. Just a bit more, come on, come on. Keep it going, so strong." With the guys as well as Risa, I suddenly found the strength once more, even more than I had when I first started the 5km. It was a really magical feeling. And it means so much. And that's the kind of person I want to be. The kind of senior I'll be to the juniors.

Thank you so much, Risa, for following me, and willing me to give my all. And thank you to John, Reuven and Nick for the encouragement every training without fail. Every little thing means a lot, and what that happen through the course of 24 short hours is more than a little thing. It's a lot to me, I really appreciate everything. And thank you Siong and Mad for allowing me to rant about whatever I can think of and all the advice. Y'all have been really wonderful seniors.  All of them are, these are just a few who can fix in the context now.

As the title implies, I can't do it alone. I need the people to make me into what I am now. I wouldn't have done it alone. Just three-quarts of a year, I've learnt so much. And honestly, what I am now, the way I see things, the positive influence, it's from canoeing, no doubt about that.

You can say that we're biased to our own CCAs, but no, I never treated it as a CCA. It may not be part of me my entire life, but it is part of me right now, and that's what that matters. And even after I graduate, I know I'm going to come back and help out, and give back to the team and the sport.

To end off this post, just know that we are what we are because of someone else. Not just ourselves.

There were some people who were there when others thought you were just going to fail and give up.

And you kept going no matter how many times you failed as others thought you were going to quit.

It's the people. The family. That truly cares.  It can be anyone.

Thank you, for everything.

Heart and Soul <3

Decisions. (YOU CAN READ IT ANOTHER DAY, I SUGGEST THAT.)

First thing: I may be a party pooper here or I might just offend anyone with my post, so if you don't want your happy or celebratory mood to be erased, don't read. I just needed a platform to vent it. Here goes. This is not a usual post of mine, sorry.

The first four were alright, I suppose. Fouling here and there, I smacked and jumped on people and rolled on the ground a lot. IF YOU WANT TO PLAY DIRTY, I CAN ALSO PLAY DIRTY WITH YOU. I understand, I fouled a lot, and I got away a lot of times. The thing is, when my team fouls, the possession is switched, but when the other team fouls, no, game plays on. What the hell.

I will let it go for the SWAGGERS team. After all, they were JH1s, our juniors. As seniors, of course we told them they rocked and we sucked. Maybe we do... I went easy on them, and everyone else did too. I didn't even foul and I didn't scream so much. We played fair. And that's when they start fouling and getting away with it, not to mention getting on my nerves, especially those junior guys. I know they are good, their team is good. We could have won really easily, except that we let them foul without arguing, because after all, they are juniors. I have one direct junior from WGPS and one canoeing junior, so okay, no complains. If I had been a not-so-nice senior.. I wonder what would happen if I fouled the girls on that team. Break their bones?

For the 07 matches, we fought. I wanted to scream during the third match that if they are going to keep fouling, I'll make them regret. Throughout the first three matches, I was muttering under my breath to calm myself down, but I couldn't help but spat at a few people (girls actually, but sorry, I can't find the guilt within) and smacked a few heads while intercepting. And I even applauded the referee. I'm sorry that a cheater is complaining about another cheater, but if both are cheating, lets be fair and get punished for the same things then.

For the final match, I was going to cry because I knew we would argue. And we did. It ended with tears. I understand that we want an 01 victory, but I wanted to play fair, yet I wanted to win. It ended up with a draw. My team was second.

They were going to let us win, but we argued about fairness and that winning is nothing and that we are one class. And gosh, it was so heated no one wanted to cheer when XY and I kept screaming for them to gather. I wanted to cry then again. My emotions were really jumbled.

So our team came in second. I was emotionless. I didn't care if we won, I just felt as if I didn't enjoy it. It's just me being an ass here, perhaps? I didn't want to ruin the mood of anyone, because I believed that they were happy. I want them to be, some feelings can't be put in verbally.

Some things went wrong? I don't know, maybe some decisions of mine weren't right. I did what I believed was what people would expect me to do. Not what I believe I should do. Next time, I'll follow my instinct and let y'all judge me for all you can. I will still stand up for what I believe in.

Sorry if you read this thinking it would be nothing. I'm sorry if I ruined the mood. Sorry if I offended anyone. It's just me. I'm not perfect. I'm sorry.

I just want to do what I believe is right. Maybe I'm wrong to you. Maybe.

Should I be apologising? Maybe just me, again. Me and my different opinions. Me being something else.

it's who you are that I remember

There will be a point of time in our lives that we start moving on with something new, get to know someone else, hang out with another group of people. That point of time when we start to drift off from the people we used to know, used to love, used to swear that we're going to take a bullet for them. That point of time when we slowly erase some of the memories we used to cherish so as to make way for the new ones coming in. And when that happens, all I remember is who you are. Your heart, your mind, your face, and nothing else. Not your achievements, not your talents, not how good you are. But what I believe you truly are. An individual.

Believe me, no matter how much we promise to keep in touch, to continue being "us", we have to move on one day, don't we? Life is this book, full of chapters, weaving tapestries so colourfully that you can never doubt it no matter how much we wish we could, because we know that we've already went through it. We only want the good to happen, because we are scared. Terrified of the initial shock when it happens, afraid of how we have to answer to it, and unwilling to live up to what we're supposed to be. We don't want to fail, we don't want others to see us fail, and we just want be free of worries, being carefree and happy.

We are going to get over it one day. Why so? I can't answer this question. Life is so complicated, yet so simple. If you view it from another angle, you only find the good, the joy and the happiness dancing in the midst of the innocence of a child. All I can say is that if we don't get over it, we're never going to continue feeding our souls with what it truly needs - memories.

As you are reading this right now, you may or may not understand what my true intention is. If you do know what I mean, you're who I'm speaking to.

It's not just for me. It's for everyone out there. There will be a time to move on, to learn something else, to get onto another train which leads to the other end of the so many places we can go. If you truly hold on to that little piece of hope, I hope to see you one day. I may not recognize you anymore, nor will you find me a familiar face on the surface of your mind, but just keep that little note by me, telling you that no matter what, I won't forget who you truly are inside. The side which I glimpsed of when you were truly happy for me, for us. The unspoken promise sealed with that look in your eyes that you will still look out for me. 

And I promise I will too.

Always.

The Unnamed Project

Purpose: To raise awareness of cancer to others and to get others to EMPATHIZE and not just sympathize with cancer patients. For all cancer survivors and patients and those who lost the battle.

What we’re doing: Shave our heads and spread the message around. Whoever interested can also do so and make a dedication if they wish to.

How do we get the public’s attention: Spread this idea around to as much people as possible, and maybe create a page or blog about it.

How to get permission: Write to whichever cancer association we’re raising funds for, and ask for collaboration so it seems more credible or acceptable when we do it publicly. We have to write to NJ too and whoever is willing to give us a place in which we can conduct the shaving event. If we can’t do it publicly, we can do it within NJC but we still need to collaborate because we’re collecting funds. Not to mention the school’s approval. We need a lot of support in order for the approval of NJ.

When: If we do it after school, some people who are fairly interested may just skip it. For it to be held during school hours, we need support again.

This will be the rough idea of what we're planning to do. There are bound to have a fair amount of problems on the way, but if we get the support and we fight for it, it will come true. After all, why do we reject something which is a good cause?

So far, I've roped in Hweesean, Xuanrong and Megan. I hope I didn't exactly force y'all in, no pressure, but you've shown much interest in it, so I assumed... But I know that even if you don't organize it, you'll support me in some way or another! :) Thank you girls, I really appreciate the support. It's my first time trying to organise something big scale like that, and it's really wonderful to know that there are people backing me up beside me, watching and taking care of me.

Again, please let me know if you're interested in helping us develop it further! Every little bit of help means a lot, I really wish for this to succeed. Even if it's within NJ itself, I'll be really, really glad.

Note: You don't need to shave if you don't want to! There are many ways you can help us here! And if you don't have the time but wish to shave, by all means do so too!

EXTRA: I'm most likely going to an old folk's home or orphanage/children homes with Hweezy I suppose. Anyone wants to go along? I'm going for food shopping before that too! Candies for little children :) Can't wait!

This will be my first step towards my dream of doing social work for a living.

Starting from scratch

So, as per my blog title...

I'm trying to start a project with my own hands. I really wanted to go for hair for hope, but it didn't work out. It'll only be on next year, but I wrote to them to ask if it was possible to have a satellite shave but no reply so far. I shall wait patiently, but I'm afraid they will only reply next year when they start organising it again.

I doubt NJ allow girls to shave, but I'll see what they have to say next year. I believe there'll be some canoeists shaving for it, and I know there are a couple of girls out there who want to shave for HFH too. And yes, I'm trying to start a shaving event to raise funds for SCS (Singapore Cancer Society), but I don't know how to start off. I just know I need some help first, some time, and permission.

First boundary is cleared: Parents. I've been talking to my parents on it, and they are supportive of it, so I need to find interested parties in it. I suppose I have to talk to the SCS people and ask for a co-organizer, or people will think I'm crazy, collecting money and shaving then going to the donation box to drop in a cheque.

Being the stalker I am, these are the people who may want to support my undeveloped project by shaving:
The boys.
Xuan Rong.
Wang Wei.
Baohui.
Siongyee.

I accidentally stumbled upon BH and SY's tweeter convo on my timeline, so it isn't really stalking.

Okay so let me some listing out some plans for my unnamed project. Some help please!
Name:
How to get permission:
Who's interested:
Roles:
Where:
When:
How:
Funds:

Help is appreciated, thank you :D

In exchange for your help :)