if you spread your wings, you can fly away with me.

I used to picture myself growing up. How I would look like, what I would do, who were around me.

There's going to be a huge change. I know it. On the surface, I push that thought away, I pretend that all will just be fine, that it will be the same old days. But deep down, I know that someday, I have to face it. 

I'm scared.

The oneders will be separating. The Buskers will drift. The girls team is just left with me.

The last thing I need is for myself to fall apart.

I pride myself for being headstrong, that I will always stand up to what I believe. Till now, I still do and I offend others, as always.

But I don't want a repeat of JH1, when I was quiet and wary of everyone around me, for the fear of betrayal, for the fear of being judged.

I'm glad that phase passed. But what if it comes back?

I'm on my toes before, during, and after training, because no one watches my back anymore. The seniors say that I keep on stoning and I train without uttering a word. That's the cold, aloof side of myself, when I trust no one around me. Some people saw that side of me before. Trust me, it's not the most welcoming gesture.

I know I seem blur or unaware of my surroundings. But I'm always listening without any comment. I'm not as ignorant as some people see me as.

I'm comfortable and happy around my oneders. But what about next year? There'll be no more singing of the mole song, no more dividing into groups without complains, no more eating in class, no more raging at unreasonable people, no more love. I love each and every single one of my oneders (there is a difference between a oneder and a student from JH201), I'm gonna miss them, so, so much.

I want to be strong. I want to be happy. I want to live my dreams together with the people I love.

Can I even hold out?

As the only girl left, will I be able to last through? Will I still have the same willpower and love for the sport and team when everything changes? Will I be a good person?

I ask myself why am I worrying about the future, when no one can see what's happening?

Because I used to know my own future without thinking. It came naturally because of the hope around me.

It's all hazy. Wonder when the fog will clear...

Always do things when you know you're in the right.

And it doesn't have to be in the good all the time.

Even though you've grown up from the adorable kid, the sweet Stratford boy is still with us.

People change. Things change.

But in those hard times, memories will always surface, and we've always known that deep down, someone's thinking of you.

it's really easy to talk about the right thing to do when it's not your life

I want to be a good senior.

So what about good portfolios? So what if I’m going to become captain/vice-cap/QM? I have no more anchors. Everything's nothing, ain't it?

No one can empathize. They can only show sympathy, that’s it. If you’re not going through what I’m going through now, you can’t understand.

Jiawen and Wang are the only two who can get as close to understanding. But the moment they are free of this burden, they see it from a different point of view.

Am I even strong enough to stay on? For myself, for them, for the seniors, for the juniors?

Like so many months ago, I still remember the day I told Sarah, Jiawen and Wang that I prided myself for someone who wouldn't back down without a fight. I could see that the four of us lost our fight, but when Sarah left us, the fight came back. I wanted to win, even though we were short of numbers. When Jiawen said her love for the sport was gone ever since we got all the blame, I started to question myself again and again, whether I was making the right choice. Jiawen said she wanted me to be happy, to think about myself too, not just the team.

Wang is most probably leaving. Is that the end?

I’m worried for next year’s Nationals. But I’m more worried for 2015.

Can I even last till April next year? And if I do, how can I set the lineup and tell the JH2s I won’t be around anymore? I want to be the senior that Madeline is to me. I want to care for every single one of them, I want to talk to each of them privately, but can I last? I don’t know, I really don’t know.

And the moment they know I’m the last one left, there’s no more backup for me. They will definitely tell me, DON’T YOU DARE QUIT.

I don’t dare. It’s my pride, maybe. But even when everyone says that they lost everything, I haven’t.

The KAPE fuelled the drive into me. I still love the sport. I still love the people.

And I cannot bear to send my juniors into B Div alone, with no senior to guide them.

Even if it’s twelve of them and one JH4 which is me, I want to do well.

Celeste’s batch is strong. They will be good without me.

But juniors are inexperienced. I don’t need talent. I just want their passion, dedication, hard work and I’ll make sure that the same things don’t repeat itself like in our batch.

But what if I can’t hold out?

I don’t know. They say do what you think is right. But in this case, what is right?

Is it what that is morally correct to everyone, or should I weigh my happiness in this?

Everyone I spoke to wanted me to choose what made me happy. If paddling makes me happy, if it is what I love, then I should go ahead. And I still love it, so much. The sport and the people.

Honestly, I never thought this day would come. When it came, the information didn't come smacking into my face immediately. When I was alone, I started to reflect, and all the expectations, stress, worries. It all came to me.

Can I survive solo? I've always placed happiness first. I want to make people happy, so that I can be happy myself.

But does this even work both ways here?

I don't know what to do. I know I have to stay strong. 

HOW?

Is it even true?

I don't want it to be a burden.

I want it to be a passion.

The future is blurry.

this chapter should never end: Onederland

Today is 6th October. Twenty-six days left.

I haven't registered it yet. And I never will.

I know there will be so much tears, and so many more words will be left hanging there, unsaid.

I have so much to tell them about. To laugh, to cry, or to just listen and understand. The oneders are so perfect in so many ways, but we'll have to say goodbye. So soon.

We made promises that we'll stay close, stay bonded, stay happy, but in reality, we will go our separate ways one day.

Some of us will be novelists. Some will be firefighters. Some will be dragon slayers. It doesn't matter what we choose, because I know we'll always support each other's dreams. And maybe, we'll still fulfill them together, as oh-one.

I hope you won't forget the times when we smiled.
I hope you won't forget the times when we laughed.
I hope you won't forget the times we talked.
And I hope you won't forget the times we cried.

We did so much together, as as family.

Oh-one was a class to me at the start. But they are my family now. My second home, my refuge from my troubles.

I know that as the time passes, we will talk less, smile less, laugh less, and maybe not even say hi to each other at all. It's the truth that we'll drift. But just remember that I would NEVER forget you.

There are 2 songs that describes this scene.

Louis's line in Best Song Ever:

You know, I know, you know I'll remember you
And I know, you know, I know you'll remember me
And you know, I know, you know I'll remember you 
And I know, you know, I hope you remember how we dance...

That's what's gonna happen to us. No matter how much time has passed, I know that we'll never forget this family. 

Daylight by Maroon 5:

Here I am waiting, I'll have to leave soon 
Why am I still holding on? 
We knew this day would come, we knew it all along 
How did it, come so fast? 
This is our last night but it's late, 
And I'm trying not to sleep 
Cause I know, when I wake, I will have to slip away 
And when the daylight comes, I'll have to go 
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close 
Cause in the daylight, we'll be on our own 
But tonight I need to hold you so close.
-------------------------------------------
The sky is getting bright, the stars are burning out 
Somebody slow it down .
This is way too hard, cause I know,
When the sun comes up, I will leave. 
This is my last glance, that will soon be memory.

I know this isn't the actual meaning of daylight, but this is how I perceive it.
This depicts everything I'm feeling now. I don't want to go, but I have to move on.

This sounds like a relationship ending, but believe me, it's so much more. It's letting go of your family, like 离家出走.

We're not a class, we are a family.
We watched each other grow up through these two years.

I'm just so proud of my oneders. I just want them to be happy, and that's all that matters to me.

From this:

To This

And this

I wish we will never grow up and stay like this, stuck in this time, stuck with this age, and happy together in this family.

A wish that will never come true.

But just know that each and every one of you means so much to me.

I will never have enough time to finish telling the tale of the oneders.

But it's okay. In my heart, I know that one day, we'll meet up and talk about the old times and laugh over it. Just like how it happened before.

Those little quirks about each other made us learn to love people along the way.

Onederland legacy will always live on.

Always.

And to the oneders: It's okay to cry because I will too.
Thank you for making me happy. :)