so that bringing back these memories won't be painful anymore.

I was just looking through the videos from NWK.

And the feeling I've always tried to push away crept in. To be exact, it washed in, like a wave of emotions.

I wish all of you were here to share it with me.

I know that we don't want to be reminded of the past. But history will always hold the memories. And I cherish them. (Things WILL come out harsh, so if you can't take it, please don't read it.)

Right now, I just hope that all of you are happy. As I said right from the start, I would always support you in whatever you chose for yourself. And I truly hope you will do the same for me, even though the path I took will continue on while you turned into another fork which leads to somewhere else.

I don't want or need any apologies. It was your own decision, and I'll always respect it. You must know that you chose it for a reason which isn't me. So you don't have to trouble yourself worrying about what I think, or feel, because I would never blame you for it. I believe in your choices, I believe that it will make you happy, and that's all I ask from you. That you will be happy, that you will tell me when you're hurting, that you will become the person you want to be.

And all I ask from you is that you will accept my choice of staying on.
You must know that I'm happy here.
I came on my own accord; this is what I want.
Please understand that.

We used to be in this sport together, remember?
Or have you forgotten everything?

Every person in this world is different.

While my choice isn't what you would choose (in the end), don't you notice that your choice isn't what I would have chosen either?

Why can't any of you see that this is TWO-WAY?

I can understand that you all worry about my well-being.
I promise I'll take care of myself.

But I just don't get why my decision is being questioned time and time again, when the answer will always remain the same.

I was just disappointed that all of you wanted me to go, forcing me to look through my choices.

(Did I force you to look through your own?)

(If I did, I'm sorry. But the intention was never there.)

What I have is what I want and enough for myself.

I have a different perspective; a different view in life.
And I won't apologise for it, because there's nothing for me to say sorry for.

We all know that we can't turn back time. Maybe all of us would have managed ourselves better and maybe we would still be together.

But whatever happened has happened.
The past will stay as the past, we all have to move on.

(And 301 will make up for the time lost.)

I can promise you will not lose me.
I'm sure that if all of you stop for a moment, and take one step back to look around yourselves, (force yourself if you must) to think about whether you lost yourself to the team in the past, you will understand the message I want to bring across.

I cannot change all these.
But I don't believe that I'm in the wrong for staying on.

I still remember all the times we struggled through training.

I remember all the lunches we had, all the complaints we ranted to each other about.

I never forgot how all our friendships started through a boat and a paddle.

I never forgot the ups and downs we went through, cheering each other on no matter what.

And even when the numbers slowly depleted, we kept each other motivated.

And even when the people left, we still looked out for them each time.

And I will always look out for all of you.

I do care.

Each and every single one of you means so much to me, even till now.

That never changed.

I still love all of you, so damn much.

And all of you will always remain as the building blocks and memories of my canoeing life.

Because everything will never be the same without all of you with me from the start.

I'm grateful for everything, especially the friendships forged.

I know the above rant isn't the best thing you want to see now, but I wanted to clear things out.

I hope that none of you will hold it against me for what I said., that you won't take offence.

I hope that all of you will understand, and after all these is cleared, all of us can start afresh.

We still have the memories, and the friendship will always be the same.

Thank you for everything, girls.

You all mean so much to me.

Please be happy, and I will be happy too.

Let's move on, okay?

Moving on isn't forgetting everything.

It means that we continue living just like how we used to do.

All of you are smart, strong girls.

And so beautiful to me.

We'll always have each others' back.

No matter what happens, no matter what that was said.

I still love all of you.

the rojak week

So many things to talk about, this shouldn't be too deep a post.
Before I forget anything let me list out the stuff I'm gonna talk about:
1. Land + Ergo + Lunch + the little things we do in between
2. Water
3. Catching Fire
4. Juniors
5. Next year
6. and some other stuff.

Monday was land tutorial and it was still focus planks + pullups. Pullups were so beautiful because a lovely soul (cough-chest-cough) made me do 8 seconds reverse pullups :( aiya but besides that it's okay. After that was lunch then HTHT it really helped alot. They are really good people to talk to, I'll always appreciate that :)

Then there was water, 5km before Cat 1. It was a PB for my 5km on Monday, but my cycle rate has to up more, but when there's no one to pace with, it's quite hard to do so. Usually the wash at the starts are very strong, I try to ride on anyone I can, but I'll keep on losing direction, then when the waves die out, the water is pretty much stagnant and the motivation level drops, because I'm always very excited during starts and after whacking the water for awhile, the fatigue kind of sets in.. The last charge was okay I guess, Yingrui said it was good, but I want to sort of like view myself doing it, so at least I know how my cycle rate should be like.

We did a little bit of dry paddling then coach's pushups+crunches+superman. The juniors seemed quite lost, because when coach says 30seconds left it's actually 45seconds to 1minute. During superman he was like last 10, then an eternity later, he said last 5, I was like kill me now I can't hold any longer. But overall it was good lah :)

Tuesday was weights in the morning. I was planning to bench pull 12.5kg since I was dropping to 5x6, but instead it was 3x20, so the weights had to be dropped. Hopefully, during camp, I can up the weights. And hit sub-12 for 2.4. Technically hit all the targets set during Term 2 this year. Oh and Choowei is a nice weights partner since both of us have bad aiming for med ball throw xD (and during ergo I was caught in a sleeping bag)

Tuesday water started an hour early, but it was K2 with Celeste :D we did one set of 6km, I think my cycle rate isn't high enough for Celeste to follow, but it was considerably higher than in a K1, and I can always feel the power from the back of the boat. But the last charge was good. I suppose that was the fastest last charge I've ever done before, both the power and cycle rate. Those are the few moments you'll always remember, that makes a difference, thank you for it :)

Then Tuesday night. I'm sorry I can't check my phone for people messaging me at 3.29, I'm sorry that I'm such a horrible jewel caretaker. I'm sorry I didn't carry out my maid job properly, yes it's my fault, I'm going to bow down to all 26+1 and kiss their feet. NO. I'm trying, okay, I'm really trying. I'm sorry if I can't get a response, because I'm a bad senior I can't earn any respect from talents because I'm not one, I will be grateful from now on that I'm alive okay.

They will be in my B Div 2015, and honestly, I don't know what's going to happen. How to set lineup. To make them go for land. To make them stop being late for every freaking land and water training. To learn that pushups are not just for the pain. It's to learn. It's supposed to make you feel guilty. But all I see is you all feeling that "the seniors are doing it too, I am doing it too, since we both feel pain, it evens out, it's not my fault". How to teach them that sometimes, in life, you have to run when you are late, even though you look cool walking in slowly.

I'm just a bad senior, all in all. If I can't even get them to do the simplest of things, how are we going to fight for the title in 2015? I can't take every boat with them. They have to do it themselves, sometimes. And if they can, it's because they are the jewels. If they don't, it's because of me. 对不起。

Let's stop this rant for now. It clears the mind for a little bit, but the guilt sets in. They are just there because I need blogging to do it's magic. Things will clear in a while. I hope.

Wednesday was an altogether different day. The morning, sadly, was unproductive. I hardly did the holiday homework, but instead spent the time lepaking until after lunch, when I met with Yingrui Celeste Aunty Ruiting to discuss the best way to communicate with the juniors. We were clustered at Civic's Starbucks and we had nothing to do after that so we ended up watching Catching Fire at Causeway. I watched it on Saturday with Jia too, but the movie's so good that it's worth it to watch twice, or even three times hahas ;P

Cathay had student price, a lot cheaper than at Lido (eleven dollars leh! ehh jiaxin you owe me four bucks later I add interest rate ahh XP) there were very tiny buckets of two dollars popcorn and Celeste bought hotdogs which she finished during the trailers. During trailers I ate from Yingrui's popcorn then during the movie I suddenly switched to Celeste's one. And she was so excited in her seat that she kept slapping my hand asking for spoilers and spilling popcorn onto me. Oh and Finnick is hot, especially that smile when he was eating the sugar cube ;)

The plot is really good, while the first book was better than the second, movie wise, Catching Fire is nicer. Better effects, and it didn't seemed as rushed as the first. Oh I just remembered that aunty ate her caifan in the cinema too xD

Thursday was a long day. For starters it was land. One round on the track, 2 sets of roadrun route, another one round (final 50m last charge). Whenever I run or paddle, I would always tell myself, if you can do 1km, you can do another 1km, and this way, I make myself not give up. But when we were running the first set of roadrun with the juniors, I had to go to the toilet and my motivation was that every step I took I would be closer to the toilet. Then when the juniors finished one set but the seniors continued on, I was thinking about how I wasn't half done yet because the second set was technically more intensive since juniors weren't running together anymore. During the upslope sprint at Sunset Avenue, a dog tried to jump on me and gave me a scare and I jumped to the middle of the road and I think the car missed me by just a little bit (two hard attacks in three seconds).

After land Choowei was like Shiyun you grow up already can run 8km (yes Shiyun is happy because JH1 Shiyun walked the same roadrun xD) then after land was a study session which ended up with me being nervous over the class allocations. It took me so long before I finally asked Megan if I would be happy with it then she was like YES YOU ARE GOING TO BE HAPPY (and I guess I am haha)

I got into 301, with Megan Mizuki THQ Ironman. Majority of the oneders were in 303, 305, 307. And we'll always stay as oneders no matter what. And I will chop of the head of anyone who calls themselves oneders just because they are from 301. They are 301-ers, we are oneders.

I've seen the list of people in my class. It's pretty much dominated by people from 07 and 08, I don't know if I'll like the people well enough, and while I hope we can at least get to know each other (and change our perspectives of each other), but they will never replace the oneders, AT ALL.

It's definitely going to be so competitive in the class, I know I have to work really hard. The environment is obviously not going to be fun like the oneders, but I truly hope it's not like a mugger class, because I'm definitely not one. I have half of the buskers with me, I'm really thankful for that. But because of the lack of oneders (one oneder missing is also considered as a lack of oneders), I don't know how I can be myself around these people. I never have to worry about being judged in front of the oneders, but I can't possibly live through four years of unhappiness. But as always, the oneders will always be there; they will never be too far away :)

Okay back to Thursday. We had SPIRE meeting with Mr Soh, and we finally got out a rough plan for next year, I'm honestly worrying about everything for JH3, whether I'll survive or not... I hope SPIRE won't be too hard, that it won't take up too much time. All I ask for is enough rest, good trainings, coping well (and happy) academically, time with the people I love.

I think I need to brush up on my TK skills, but it's okay I'm still young :) we were guessing each other's secret santas haha and when everyone knew each other's, I was still lost except for who I was giving to. And it took a long time for me to understand it too hahaha ;P

Let's jump to water training. K2 with Celeste again :D 6km, a couple of technique drills which were quite fun when Celeste paddled me, then 45min of free training! And it was really free training, so I went for a swim with Aunty and Yingrui then the monster duo paddled off in the K2 so I had to sadly paddle back in a K1.

I like free training :D

And about the juniors. I honestly hope that one day (I wish it will be soon) they will understand the team dynamics, that we want the best for them. I do care about them, I don't want to scold them, but I want them to learn. I have yet to have a single water/land training without someone cancelling attendance/being late/not turning up. I don't know if the message gets across well enough, but I wish it would. After the long message sent down last night, I have two people who didn't go for water. I'm disappointed, in them and in myself, but what can I do? I can't bring myself to scold them, in fear that they will see it negatively and just leave. But I can't keep telling them, it's okay, when it isn't okay to be late. I know they are physically strong, it'll be good for my B Div 2015, but what I want for now is for them to be disciplined, hardworking and passionate. And happy.

So many things happened, but it's still a nice week.

Canoeing camp next week! I hope I won't die or anything I heard we are running every day.

"all our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them." -Walt Disney

(And when the words left your mouth)
It won't leave my heart, until the day we prove you wrong.

The atmosphere just changed the moment he asked, "Where's your fight?"

It was a normal debrief. And the icy feeling creeps up your skin so suddenly, the back of your hairs stand up so abruptly, and you look down at your knees as you feel your heart sinking.

Disappointment. Despair. And for a moment, confusion.

Have we not fought?

There's a difference between "lost" and "lacking".

And honestly, I thought it was better.

I never knew how things were really like till not long ago, but things seemed to look better, and brighter, than before.

Then the question came. 

Is it me?

It was a quiet time in the toilet.

In a way, the tension was thick. 

I didn't know what to do, or what to say.

When I saw their faces in the light, the guilt just pours in.

They told me not to worry.

But I can't help it but to do so.
And it's my responsibility.
There's a lot on their plate too, I know they are stressed, they just don't want to show it to me.
But I can see it. We are a team, we get through it together.
I just want them to be happy, I believe that's the most important thing.

With time, everything's going to be alright.

We will fight together.

We aren't just having a dream.

We are going to work hard, we're going to give our all.

And it will come true.

Because we are doing this for each other.

We have our fair share of good days and bad days.

What that matters is how we get through it.

And that we know we are not alone in it.

Maybe I have no say in this.

But.

I believe we never lost the fire.

I believe we never lost the fight.

I believe we never lost the desire.

I believe we never lost the team spirit.

I believe we never stopped the dream from happening.

Maybe it's not shown to everyone.

But it's there. And we know it.

Like what Yingrui said, it never left.

"It didn't leave, hasn't left, and never will."

I'll never doubt this statement.

We are strong.

We'll trust each other.

We can do this.

We will do this.

People we never thought we would come to love

I love my oneders so damn much, but it's time for these special people who mean a lot to me too. (I will have another deep post for my oneders soon, so don't fret my dears (: )

Jiawen -
 Thank you for being there all these while, for bearing with all my rants, it really means a lot darl ;) you are a really precious friend, one whose so alike to me, like a lost twin sister. So many times we had ran to each other, cried with each other, and all the talks over a lot of food meant so much to me. I know we've been drifting, but believe me, everything that happened between us was meant to be, and I really hope we can find the time this holidays to talk once more. I know you're afraid, I'm afraid too, but you know that we met each other for a reason. You say that you don't know how to cope alone, but truth is, you're never alone. It's hard to show it, but every single training I go for, I'll think of you, and don't say that you 'left', because deep down, you never did to me. I promise that you won't lose me, because I can't bear to lose you either. We need each other, I know that, and where ever you go, I won't be far. I promise that you won't lose me to anything, or anyone. I am happy, you have to know that you are part of this happiness. Please take care of yourself too, I don't want to see you being hurt, not at all. We're never too far apart. I love you so much dear, and I'll always keep the promise of being your pillar of strength. 

Rebecca -
Even if we've known each other for around three months or so, I'm really glad we got so close, I'll never forget all those deep talks we had in the middle of the night in boarding :) Thank you for sharing so much to me, for showing me a different perspective I'll always remember. Thank you for the advice you gave, when I was troubled, and all those times you made bad things seem good in the light. You are one of the strongest person I've met, your story is so different from the rest, thank you for sharing it with me. I hope that I've made you happier, made you get over it, and always remember that I've got your back! I know it's hard, but there are always people out there who care, you must know that :) we can't please everyone in this world, so just let those people lead their shallow lives, and put them at the back of your head. Marilyn Monroe once said, "I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
I love you Bobo <3 (btw I named my water bottle after you!)

The B Girls aka the The 8 Princesses -
Honestly, I never thought that I would be writing this now, but this month changed a lot of things. First thing they did for me was to let me know that everything's gonna be alright, and that really makes a difference. Because my mind was so conflicted, but when they stepped in, it just changed. They took me along, something I'll always be grateful for, and the most important thing is that they are very genuine people; they're willing to listen to you anywhere, anytime. I used to be terrified of them; I saw them as a bunch of monsters who scared the hell out of me, but right now, when many things change, your perspective of people change a lot too. They are really amazing people, they fight for each other, they love others who they are; it's not what you find everyday, let alone a whole group of them. They are a family.

Those times before and after training, lunch times, playing jenga, sleeping in the weights room, doing ergo, or just having fun; all those little things add up to who we are now. Yingrui and Celeste are really good listeners, and the advice they give mean a lot. Thank you for today's HTHT :) it showed me a lot. Choowei and Risa are a couple, they show their affection very openly, they are very fun people to be with (I haven't forgotten being wrapped in masking tape and turning into ironman and the Big Chest Program) ;P Ruiting has a lot to talk about, especially when she sits beside my Patrick :) her views are unique, it opens up your mind. Baohui and Christine are really happy people, they smile so much, and they're really easy to talk to, something I appreciate very much. Every single one of them made a huge difference in this short period of time, I never thought it was going to happen. And the fact that you know they are always behind you, and they keep telling me that I'm not going to be alone with the juniors. It's very heartwarming to hear them say that, to know that you are being cared for.

They are really special, very dear to me, they've met  my bobo, leaned against my William, farted on my Daniels and slept on my Danielles. And of course, unknowingly, touched my Patrick. I just love them lah <3

We have never lost the fight.

On a side note, go read The Underneath, it's a very beautiful and poetic book :)

if we chose to turn back the time, will we be happier than we are now?

They say to live life with no regrets, because everything happens for a reason. So many decisions we've made, the different outcomes from each road we took, it made us who we are today.

If you chose to turn back time, to change your past, wouldn't it mean that you don't trust your own instinct? You walked that path for a reason, whatever you were going through at that point of time, you trusted that it was the best choice you could make.

Happiness; it comes from the simplest of things. And if you had reverted one decision, just one, it could have changed your life. You wouldn't have met your best friend, you wouldn't have all those happy memories. But you chose to change it because of one argument. You chose to give up on that friendship.

Maybe, in the past, you chose to do something. And you eventually gave up on it, despite putting all your best efforts in it, just for that period of time. Then you returned to the past, and decided never to take it up in the first place. And it never crossed your mind that when all those didn't happen, it was replaced with hours of free time which was useless, all those lessons you could have learnt never existed, and you would be just an ordinary person, wasting your life away. Even if you felt it wasn't your cup of tea, everything you do comes with experience, some pain, the slight twinge of regret, but there's always something you learnt, that made you who you are.

You say that all it brought you was pain, or sorrow. But that pain made you stronger, made you resilient. It could have taught you to embrace the ones you love. Even if you were cheated, you know that you are true to others, and that's what that matters; that's remembered of you, eventually.

You were given this life because you were strong enough to live it. And when you live it, it's not just for yourself. It's for the people around you. Because without them, you wouldn't have all those memories you cherish so much; that you hold dear to your heart.

And when you chose another life, they had to choose one without you. Maybe you don't see it, because you are too caught up with wallowing in self-pity, but there are people out there who love you, who watch out for you, only in silence. They were your pillar of strength, but you never noticed them. They drifted in and out, with a hug and a comforting word or two, and you never looked twice at them. But they stayed with you all along. And you want to throw them away because of your own selfish desires for your so-called happiness when happiness doesn't depend on what you choose, but it's the people who loved you all along, never minding that you treated them just like the whisper of a passing wind. And maybe you made them happy. And when you're gone finding your happiness, you just threw them away, like the litter along the streets beneath your feet.

If you're searching for happiness, look for yourself first. You are lost in your own world, which isn't as sad as you think it is.

There are many things I honestly wished never happened. But if it would just become one big mess if I'd chose to change everything.

Because when something is meant to be, it will be.

If I had chose to stay in RV, I would never meet the oneders, meet those special friends like Jiawen and Rebecca, be part of the big canoeing family.

They are all amazing people, very precious to me, I'll never want to lose any of them, because they mean so much to me now; I can't imagine living without all of them. They are all part of my happiness, it's more than what I can ask for, I'm really blessed to have all of them in my life.

So to end off.

I'm happy with what I have now.

I may want more once in a while, but I don't need it.

Because I've always had what I needed.

You are part of my happiness.

And I hope I've been part of yours.

When I promise that I'll have your back, I would never turn back on it.

Even if I don't show it, I do care.

Just in another way.

我喜欢现在的生活。

Looking through the juniors' lineup everyday, am I supposed to be happy for them or cry over self-pity that I got into a tiger during NCC period?

For crying out loud, it's still November, they are in freaking JH1. And they are in K1 Tigers.

Every single training, the teachers say that you juniors are very talented, a lot of potential, way better than last year's batch, which is mine. Thanks, that boosted my confidence so much. Then I watch as the juniors beam and all and I'm like please stop that and start working hard, honestly.

We were terrified of the seniors, and so were all the older batches. Except that the terrifying part didn't have the same impact for our batch. Then comes those born in 2000 who try to act swag on their boat and still scream when they capsize and start shrieking "OMG MY WATER BOTTLE MISSING EWW I'M SOAKED". And you nearly sank the JK2. Twice. And we had to freaking hold the boat up for you because you were too busy looking for your bottles and worrying about your clothes. IF YOU ARE AFRAID OF GETTING WET YOU SHOULDN'T BE HERE.

13 girls. None of them are afraid of us. Maybe because we were too friendly, that they don't give us the due respect. I know some of them are really fit, they can run well, but some of their attitudes are horrible.

Even in whatsapp messages, can you not be so rude? Your tone basically accuses us, blaming us. At least be politer, thanks.

Many people are really excited over this bunch as there are so many of them, but honestly, the attitude and mentality has a long way to go.

When you paddle, at least don't stop paddling halfway just because you think no one's looking at you. Apparently I was. At least jog and not whine. You are already in the team.

The junior boys are a good bunch. Their attitudes are a lot better than that of the girls. So much better. I can see that they work hard, that they make it a point to ask for punishment when they do something wrong, unlike the girls who stroll in late like a boss, thinking it's alright when it isn't.

I'm waiting for the girls to make up for their pushups. Apparently none of them tried to set a date yet.

The teachers are starting to choose their exco. I don't know who should be captain of the girls. If they are going to determine it based on how fast they are, it will be Berenice or Anya. Huiyun has a good attitude, she honestly wants to train, she will make a good captain/vicecap/recruitment I/C. Berenice is quieter, Anya improves fast but I can't judge from here.

Tomi's most probably going to be a QM. She's really quiet, but willing to learn. She has a good attitude, she just needs more confidence, as long as you bring her out of her shell, she can do well, I believe.

That's pretty much what I've seen from the kids.

Never mind, put them in tigers. They will stay there for a long time. Tiger without seat and tiger with seat is very different. I could go out into the lanes when I got into the Tiger without seat for the first time as well.

Capsizing will make some less cocky too.

Sorry for the ranting, I honestly lost my touch on writing on what I enjoy. This rant just built up from months ago. Every praise for undeserving souls, that's all.

Sorry, but that's what I feel.

Prove me wrong then.

thank you for your strength.

The past three days have been extremely fulfilling. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday. Not just physically, but mentally, and better friendships were built as well, and there are so many people I would like to thank.

On Sunday, I went with mommy to the Great Eastern Women's Run 2013, at MBS area. Being the one who doesn't like too much stress, the 5km fun race was the best option. We reached there late and I had to pee and change, so we were quite far from the start line, but I still enjoyed that feeling of racing very much.

I still remember that at the halfway mark, I was so shocked to see so many people ahead of me, so I chionged like mad but there were still plenty of people who were ahead of me from the start to the end. I timed myself the entire time, clocked 26:00 for 5km, which was quite surprising actually, because it's about 5min plus per kilometre, but the last time I ran sets of 1km, my timing was like 5-6min per km, so this run showed a huge improvement, which I'm proud of as well. I'm glad that all the running, weights and water trainings really made me push, especially for the last charge during the run. It was quite funny actually, because I sprinted at many points, thinking that the finishing line was ahead. But when I saw the actual finishing line, I just flew towards it. (Ego boosting time: The emcee said, "Look at that young girl, sprinting across the finishing line!") XP It's not often when you get such compliments, and it made my day hahahah. (Anyways the pictures of the GEWR are out, my face looked insane and mommy uploaded it to FB so the world could see it please don't laugh xiexie)

That was Sunday. I had a lovely coffee bean brunch after the run, and food never tasted so good before XD then I went to ahma's house and knocked off on the couch for at least two hours. Thank you to mommy, daddy and sis for cheering me on for the run, telling me to take care and jiayou! And to all the road marshalls, all the encouragement really helped! Every time they shouted "All the way" and "Come on", it felt like the team shouting during weights, running and water, and the result is always the same. You want to fight with them, you draw strength for them, you are a team. :)

Monday was land tutorial + water. Tutorial started at 9:30, and we were pretty much done with everything by 11+. I'm glad that the B girls got closer together when we chat and all, especially after joining Yingrui and Baohui during lunch. We played the traffic road game on the overhead bridge, and the passer-bys were like I'M JUDGING YOU but the JH3s were like LALALA YOUNG AT HEART. They are all really cute actually (I'm cute too :3 ), even those that I used to be terrified of.

And I showcased my eating skills :D I didn't have the heart to admit it that after the two bowls of rice and all the meat+veg+tofu+drinks, my stomach was still growling D: I think there's like some hole in my stomach that opens when I'm VERY VERY HUNGRY because sometimes I can't eat anything but sometimes I just can't be full. Then after another round of getting knocked down by cars by jaywalking on the overhead bridge, we went to the playground near Marymount MRT.

That's when sports tights come in handy. They cover your thighs so you don't get burnt because the sun was SO HOT AND BLAZING AND BURNING plus the fact I wore my orientation tee which was a beautiful shade of BLACK. We climbed on the ropes and played on the dish-like swing and the tiny flying fox. We took a couple of instavideos and some pictures, all of them unglam shots ;P

I swear that when Risa and Celeste was pushing the rope merry go round, they are like powerhouses, cause the thingy was rotating so fast we could only clutch on to the ropes for dear life and keep on screaming (more of baohui heh)

Then either Celeste or Yingrui left me swinging like mad on the dish-swing, they pushed like siao then ran away and left the poor young fabulous one shrieking like a stuck pig. Then my butt was like burning up cause heat travels through the tights after awhile, unfortunately.

After all the playing we remembered there was still training haiz I used up pretty much all my energy being a kid again. Celeste introduced me to the Cloudy Apple Juice thingy it tastes quite good. -still does not like carrot juice- we also got two large bottles of isotonic for training.

Okay finally it's time for water. 10km time trial, out of nowhere. It was freestyle so no one corrected my technique so I just anyhow whack the water, and that was the most painful 10km of my life. I was so tired that I thought I could fall asleep on the boat. I closed my eyes a few times for several seconds, and the next moment I'm about to crash into a buoy. Despite being in a Kape, my timing deproved by 55s. My PB then was 1:13:35, clocked in an AK.

Monday was still a really good day. Choowei and Risa are like a married couple, they stroke each others' hair and whisper sweet nothings and hug all the time it's so adorable I SHIP <3

Today is Tuesday and it was very, very good too. We had land in the morning, and it was full on weights, all stations to be cleared. I finally can drop to 10reps, but its 5 sets of 10 am I supposed to be happy but it's okay I should do more weights and build up the muscle so I can sink the peisheng down.

All the calluses from Monday's water were screaming in pain when I was using all the barbells. Bench pull was so bad, I had to force myself for all 5 sets using 10kg even though I felt like dying. But then last week's bench pull 10kg was still quite fine.. I guess it's yesterday's sad water performance affecting me this morning. But at least I'm not doing the seated bench and shoulder press. But I swear it's so hard, especially bench press. Even though it was 8.75kg per side, I needed either Ruiting/Yingrui or Siongyee/Claire to help push the bar up, or I can't even move. I just let it flop onto my chest because it was so painful that my arms were literally trembling.

Shoulder press was using the 5kg dumbbells. I need to work on my left arm, because I nearly dropped the left dumbbell halfway through the set, 'cause my arm couldn't take it anymore. It's quite sad that I'm only doing a 5kg, but it's more motivation to push during weights. Rollers weren't as bad because I had Yingrui's shoe supporting me, so I didn't have to crash onto the ground. Leg press, surprisingly, was alright. But 200pushups + 100 crunches wasn't the best way to end of weights. Every time we are punished, I keep telling myself that I can't do the same thing anymore, or I will feel guilty my entire life. I focused on the faces of the JH3s in my mind when I did the pushups, because I owe my huge improvement physically and in my attitude to them. Thank you guys, even though I used to blame you all for making me so tired from training and the expectations, it was also all of you who moulded me into who I am. You made me learn how to fight; how to push; how to be part of the family. I really, really appreciate it, thank you :)

It was about one and a half hours of rest after the weights session. I did a bit of my math; majority of my homework was done by the JH3s (guess who wasn't paying attention in class). Then it was time for ergo, except that we didn't start ergo so soon haha. The JH3s taught me how to play stacko/jingga (idk how to spell) and I must admit that I'm horrible at that. Crashed the tower the first two rounds, but Baohui lost two rounds consecutively because Risa helped me 50% of the time after my losing streak thank you for lessening my embarrassment :P

Fifteen minutes of ergo: it was my turn when Choowei came out soaking wet and announcing THIS WAS THE WORST FIFTEEN MINUTES OF MY LIFE and the bad thing was that I just finished dry paddling before ergo. It was quite mundane in a way, but I didn't have to worry about balance or anything so I could twist and kick a lot more than I could in a boat. Overall still quite fine hahas, Celeste was like I will let you know when the ten minute mark reaches then Yingrui and I were like hurry up we are dying from the suspense of not knowing how long more we have to paddle.

After ergo was a failed math homework session for me 'cause I forgot all the stuff about quadratic equations and indices so majority of the work was left blank (it's time to start working hard again and gain back the knowledge). Then Yingrui did some sheep game which I couldn't understand at all then all of them knew the SECRET behind it and they found it amusing to see me amused (LA skills in use here). Pfft bully the youngest one ><

After lunch was more stacko and singing songs. To my surprise Baohui could sing Cody Simpson songs that's good keep up the good work and continue to love my husband XD the stacko crashed onto my face during the final round, sadly. After the song and games party we went to buy bread at coro and I pretty much got killed dozens of times during the traffic game.

AND I AM A GENIUS (needs to have ego boosted) I figured out the sheep game secret after five hours or so of guessing at the toilet at Macritchie. Baohui said I could use the genius thingy to keep myself alive during training.

Speaking of training we did 12KM + surprise. I played Love Somebody in my head the entire twelve kilometres to keep myself going, it helped loads. My 10km timing within 12km was better than Monday's time, so it shows that as long as the mentality is there, you can do it. In fact, that 10km was a PB, I cut down 65seconds of the 10km timing in an AK. On my final lap, the others had started with the surprise, which was a 2km sprint set. When I finished my 12km I turned to start on the 2km when coach stopped me and I felt so relieved that I wasn't going to do 14km straight. Choowei paddled 14km straight, without any rest in between, it must be a hell lot worse for her than the others who had rest. It's really admirable that she would still go on despite being exhausted.

The entire team has been working very, very hard, including the juniors, I'm really proud of all of them. The feeling of racing as a team is so wonderful, so magical. I know I'm going to push hard, to fight with them, and I'm going to be a good senior to the younger ones. The most important thing is that they are happy, that they love the sport, they love the people, and they are willing to commit. It's not easy, but it's gonna be worth it.

To end off this post.
Thank you so much to the team for everything they've done for me, especially the JH3 girls. I apologise if I've ever offended any of you with my words, but I've always appreciated everything you've done for me, especially within these two weeks. Thank you for being such amazing teammates, wonderful seniors, and friends. Every single one of you showed me so many different things, each of you are unique in your own way that I could never imagine.

Thank you all the motivation and fight; being with me during hard times as well. It means so much to me, never forget that. And thank you for listening to my troubles, I take back my words that no one could understand what I felt. And each of you made me feel included, made me understand the feeling of being in a family, just like how the oneders did.

Now I shall go and listen to Hillsong and fulfil my promise to Baohui :)

beautiful days

Can I still do this?

Holidays are starting. For once, I hate holidays. Not because of the homework, but because the oneders won't remain the same again. We are no longer together, twenty two of us separated into the eight three-ohs and one of us going to MGS.

Friday was amazing. Sad, but so beautiful. Love was in the air, literally, through the sound of tears and the feels of the soft hugs, the warmth enveloped around our hearts as we knew that we wouldn't be forgotten.

Chalet can't be put into words. While it wasn't emotional like on Friday, it truly reflected the feeling of the onederland family. Be it roasting satay or otah, fetching people who got lost around the area, meowing to cats who ran away, smelling Fragrance or using Selinda as Richard Dickson II, insulting each others' singing, eating and spilling everything on the beds, playing with sparklers, dancing on the Kinect, or just sitting around doing nothing, it was truly a familiar setting.

Because everyone was happy, like we always are. Because everyone was laughing, like we always do.

We are a family. It's amazing how 23 different people can come together, love each other, and to be so close and comfortable with each individual. Because of the people inside. I believe that God put us together for a reason; which was to find the happiness we never experienced. I've never thanked God enough for these beautiful friendships, or this family.

I never thought so many people could come together and love each other for who they are. The oneders showed me that this wasn't impossible. There are beautiful memories shared with each and every single one of them, they are all so dear to me. If anyone ever hurts one of my oneders, I will come after you. And you can be sure that I'm not the only one.

Like what Praveen always says:

The oneders showed me how to love.

The oneders showed me what true friendships were.

The oneders showed me that they will be my family, forever.

Family isn't whose blood you carry.

Family is who you love and who loves you back.

Even when you've given up yourself, the group of people who never stopped believing in you is your family.

"Although you may be hurt and bleeding now, a better day will come. Hard work will never betray you." -Kang Gary

I have no idea why, maybe it's just part of puberty, but so many thoughts were rushing into my head when I was on the bus back from training. It was just so overwhelming, like you are past your capacity of what you can hold in one moment. Too much to comprehend, too much to remain calm, too much to think straight.

I guess I've been hiding behind that wall for too long.

Whenever anyone asks me "Are you okay?", "How are you?", I'll always say I'm fine. Nothing else.

But every time I say that, deep down, I know it's not fine. It's not okay.

I'm still touched though, but am I still part of you?

You say that we are a team. We fight as a team. But am I really part of that team? I don't know if I can feel it. Maybe it's because of the time.

Sometimes, when I feel so happy with them, that I feel wanted even though I'm the youngest, the next training, walking ice queens are around me. And when I stone and act like I'm just going to train and not talk to anyone else, you ask about me, you do care, the guilt washes in, in torrents.

I love the sport. I love the people. But does it work both ways for you? Everyone's so happy, and I look at myself and say, "I'm alone and I have to be happy too." So I just show that I'm happy.

The JH3 girls are so bonded, they are one group of sisters. There's no need for me to be an extra. I'm glad they took me in, accepted me as a junior they would care about. Sometimes, I feel that they try really hard to be a friend, to understand, but sometimes, it's just nothing.

I appreciate everything the seniors did for me, even though they didn't have to do so. Thank you, it means a lot. Especially to someone who has no one.

They say that I must not keep quiet, not bottle it up. I don't want to keep it in either, but is there someone I can rant to and help me? No.

Because you don't know how I'm feeling.
You never tried being the last one.
You never tried pushing yourself on, physically and mentally, without any motivation besides your own pride, your passion, and love.
You never tried shouldering the burden responsibility of twenty-six kids.
You never tried worrying that others will leave.
You never tried forcing yourself to wake up each morning, knowing that so many others were in bed.
You never tried being on your toes all the time because you didn't want to fail.
You never tried questioning yourself why you were doing it.
You never tried asking who you were doing for.

And there's no answer to any question.

Can anyone understand?

I look at the kids now. I look at myself. I look back at the me when I first started out.

Are they strong enough?

I hope they are. Not strong that they can last. But strong that they know what is right for them.

It's right for me to remain. I have my duty. I have to give back. And I want to do it. It's for the people, for what they have done for me.

Because I keep holding on to the hope that one day, despite so many setbacks, I will show that so many people were wrong about me.

I hold on to the hope that one day they will accept me.

I won't give up so easily.

I wish that I could be happy like what I always talk about.

I tell people to be happy. But am I happy?

Yes. But this is just a guess.

I want to know the real me.

I want to put myself into so many situations and look at how I will adapt.

I want to know that I truly love the sport, that I love the people.

I want to find out if I have it in me, in my blood.

I want to know the something that's inside me which made me keep trying no matter how many times I fell down and everyone said not to get up.

When everyone told me to give up, I wanted to prove them wrong.

Even if I knew I had to suffer somehow.

I hope the sufferance is worth it.

Because of my pride.

When they said group hug, they went into a circle. And they pulled me in. I was so touched. I felt wanted.

Yet barely twenty minutes later, I sat on the bus, looking out of the window, trying so hard not to cry. 

Asking myself what should I do.

And I'll be gone, gone tonight.

The ground between my feet is open wide.

The way I've been holding on too tight.

With nothing in between.

I'm not going.

I'm going to last.

Because that's the me I know, right now.

And I hope that it remained there despite so many people trying so hard to knock it out.

Change my mind. A change of heart. Does it really happen in life?

No matter what happens, I still wanna be me.

They are good kids.

Please don't be hurt.

I don't show it, but I care.

I don't want you to go through what I did.

It's okay if you can't understand.

You are still young, even innocent.

Stay ignorant of the pain.

Tell yourself it doesn't exist.

But when you know the real truth, just know that you are not alone in it.

Not everyone will be there for you.

Not everyone will understand.

But I can.

And I will.

Because you were born to be happy.

And I'm living to make a difference, to make you happy.

Thank you to those who were by my side.

Thank you to those who believed in me.

Thank you for those who kept me going.

And thank you to those who wanted me to quit.

Everyone made me stronger.

I still believe that it exists in me.

I will always believe in myself.

Happiness.

Dreams.

Hopes.

Belief.

It keeps me going every day.

It keeps me alive.

I'm waiting for the day it's unleashed.

And I will show who I am.

To those who doubted me.

I know I work hard.

I know I gave it all.

One day, I want to smile.

A genuine smile that struggled through tears.

The smile that showed our memories.

That made me learn.

And become who I am.

I'm sorry for the rants.

I hope that you don't berate yourself over anything

Because you have been really good to me.

I would never blame anyone.

And all the rants, I don't target anyone.

It's just a platform to vent my frustrations, some of it, please don't take some of it to heart.

I write because I love writing.
And I relax through what I love.
And many times, I do mean what say.
Sometimes, I mean everything I say.

But if you take everything to heart, you are going to hate me.
Because I put things down clearly, weaved in a sense that I'm blaming you.
But I'm not.
I would never hurt someone for the sake of amusement.
I only stand up for what I believe in, to the point when I offend people.
I would never blame, target or hurt you.
You have already done so much for me, so much more than I can ask for.
I would never want to do this to you.
Or to myself.

I would never forgive myself if I hurt someone I love.
Even by accident.
Whatever I said, whatever I did, whatever you felt I showed to you, it doesn't always coincide with what you think it is.
You mean so much to me.

I would never do that to you.
But I want to say sorry for everything I put you through.

we'll be a family longer than forever

It was the most beautiful day of my life.

So beautiful yet so sad.

The day started well. We all knew that it was the last day in the classroom, but the mood wasn't somber or anything, unless you count the fact that it was raining for the past four days.

"Even God didn't want Friday to come." - Megan Quek.

We continued to write our farewell messages in those lovely books. We were still smiley and chatty, virtually a normal day in onederland.

When we were more or less done with the writing and a bit of admin work, there was still time left before Contact with Hoho and Virginia.

First, Megan showed the drama production we showcased in March, BOBBY, which we all laughed over. Then, the Food Trail for NE, which was a big laugh too. Then, the video.

It wasn't a video nor photo montage. It was the collection of every single memory we had as oneders, the biography of onederland. Every memory together, from JH1 till now, roadrun till boarding, recess till KL trip.

I watched it intensely. It was still amusing to look at all those photos, because the feeling hadn't exactly sunk it yet. And there was a part of me that kept on saying, "You cannot cry, you have to stay strong for the people around you. Whatever it is, don't look around." Then there was the other part that said, "Look around and feel the love. It's okay, don't keep it in."

Then, halfway through the boarding part, I looked at the table in front of mine. There was Jiaxin shaking in her seat. My eyes misted. I looked to my right, and Jolene and Wang Wei were hugging and crying so hard, I watched Jolene's face. And there was Hweesean with tears rolling down her cheeks, with Megan in front doing the same.

(I'm crying as I write this now.)

Then, they showed how much we grew up from last year. I just burst. Even though no one at my table of crying, I just watched and cried into my hoodie. I know that the others were watching, but it's not the time to be worried about being judged. By then, at least half of us were sobbing.

-Then Mrs Teo said sorry we need to go to the hall to see Hoho and Virginia and we were like zombies. The video stopped. We still continued to cry. The teachers didn't know what to do either.-

Me and Wang hugged afterwards. I bawled onto her shoulder; I never cried so hard and so long in my life. Some of the oneders patted our backs, said encouraging words, but it was an eternity before we quietened down. I quietened down for about ten seconds before crying into Megan's chest once more.

Megan and I stumbled to the hall, crying. Some 03-ers walked past us and were like "Are you okay?". I felt like screaming I'M SURE AS HELL OKAY THANKS FOR ASKING I LOOK SO CALM AND COLLECTED RIGHT NOW. It was the emotions during that time, the effect doesn't wear off so fast. So we just nodded in reply and continued to the hall, with people in front and behind us still in tears.

During the contact, I wasn't listening to a word. Every little thought of the oneders made me cry. I was either hugging Megan, in tears, or in zombie mode.

We went back to class immediately after the contact. Mr. Lee bought us Krispy Kreme doughnuts, and I made sure I ate them as fast as possible so that I didn't have to worry about choking hazards before the 'feel' returned. The second part was just as beautiful.

The testimonials were the killer.

Shots from our blogs and ask.fm were put up, and all of us were in a crying wreck. All about the oneders. The memories we made, all those little things that made us into what we are now. A family.

After the video, we went around hugging each other, all the gender barriers put aside. With the exception of a few strong people, the rest were crying. Even the guys (or men as they call it). It was my first time seeing some of the oneders crying, but it's still so amazing to know how much we meant to them, or how much they meant to us as well. Because the oneders are the world to me.

Mr Lee said that he was leaving. He told some of us that last week, he had his reasons for keeping it from the entire class. The reason why I didn't want to blurt it out (as much as I felt the oneders should know), I didn't want them to deal with an additional worry until the time truly came. The oneders didn't expect it. They started to cry once more, and I felt so damn guilty. But if it makes them feel better, I'll be there for them. Mr Lee cried too. I might not even see him or Jolene anymore after the chalet.

"We'll see each other next year." It doesn't help okay, it will never help. It's gonna be so damn different no one besides the oneders will understand it. And for Mr Lee and Jolene, we might not even see them anymore. Because of all the worst reasons. Not letting us have free time. Making us do useless things. Having the worst planning of all.

So we made a circle and each of us said something about 01. It was really emotional, even though we were laughing at some of the jokes. Many of us were so choked up, including myself. I wanted to say that I hoped that their happiness were because of the oneders, that they had made me who I am now, but it just couldn't come out. It's okay, I'm sure y'all know I love you <3

Then we sang Just The Way You Are and Best Song Ever. At Louis's line, there was silence, because we just sang out what our hearts were saying.
You know I'll remember you.

Let's calm down and think about the equally beautiful second part of this onederful day.

We had a dance party in class (which I screamed myself hoarse). Xinyi and I were in the toilet when our song Break Your Heart by Taio Cruz came blasting out the speakers, so we danced in our own cubicles instead XD

Most of the oneders headed to Vivo and we played at the pool for hours until the sun set. All the shameless photos we took, poses we made in public, disgusted expressions of passer-bys. I don't care, judge all you want, I love my oneder munchkins no one can stop us from anything. The mini poolside party was extremely noisy and full of shrieks, plus frisbee and old grandmother. The best oneder outing ever.

Dinner was dabao and hobo at level 3, watching the starry skies. It was a quiet affair, with only a bit talking and photo taking, but very surreal. (I think I've lost my touch on writing here, with the lack of vocabulary.)

Went home with Hweezy Jiaxin Demon Xinyi Aden. We talked about the oneders and the personal messages and random stuff which made us laugh once more. The oneders are so special, they can make you happy anytime and anywhere.

I don't know how I'm gonna end off this post.

This won't be the end. There will never be an end to the onederland legacy. Every single one of you mean so much to me. I would go back to JH1 and retake all the tests, bear with all the horrid teachers, just to spend time with all of you.

You made me so happy, you made everything seem bearable, seem beautiful, seem perfect. You oneders mean the world to me, and whatever happens in JH3, you must know that we are all behind you.

Whatever you choose, whatever you want, if you ever fall, we are always there to catch you. We'll be your pillar of strength. We will make you laugh, we will cry with you, we will make your life worth living.

I'm really, really lucky to be part of this onederland, to meet all of you, I haven't thanked God enough. We are meant. And if its meant to be, it will be. Which is us, the oneders.

I don't know what kind of person I would be like without all of you. Thank you so, so much for making me who I am today. Each one of you is so precious to me. We weren't just a class, we are family. We play together, we fight as a team, we defend each other. You showed me a different world from what I used to believe in.

We will always be a family.

It isn't the last day of school. There is never a last day of onederland.

It's longer than forever.

It's going to hurt,

We will have to cry.

Some things will have to be let go of,

We don't want to know the reason why.

Even if you are going to fall,

We'll catch you and let you fly,

I will always love you,

There will never be a goodbye.

(02.11.2013)

Oneders, when you're done reading this post, go listen to Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol above, it reflects everything we feel.

I miss you so much.