away from homeground.

One more week and nothing's going right.

Time's flying past so fast. Whatever happened the past week seemed so far away.

Things change so quickly.

You make one choice and it impacts everything and everyone around you.

This week was a mess. Things that seemed to go well were hampered by other bad situations, your own negative thoughts, and the constant worry of not performing up to standards, not just in what you do, but living up to the expectations of others.

I'm not even thinking straight.

Anyways, we went to Bedok on Friday afternoon. It's quite a nice place, honestly, even though the waves are pretty choppy, you can turn the K4 more easily as compared to at Macritchie. Plus, there's more space at Bedok too. The waters are really different, and the pontoon is horrid, but besides that I like it :)

We had 2.4 time trial on Thursday. My target was sub-11 by nats, and after everything that happened, I thought that I would have the drive to keep pushing myself throughout the six rounds. My timing wasn't bad, it was my second best timing, but I know I could have done better. My hip started hurting after the run though, and now I can't put any weight on my right hip or it'll start throbbing. It isn't as bad as the holidays, when I ran 2.4 with a freaking limp, but I'm just worried that it's gonna affect me during nats or something. My right knee grinds when I climb the stairs and even though it doesn't hurt, I'm don't want to get injured.

Just hold it in.

It's going to be over soon.

don't be afraid.

"A person's character is revealed when they are in distress."

Someone said that during debrief on Monday.

That very night, you tell yourself that you've finally woke up.

And it's not too late.

There's still time.

Anything can happen.

We are strong. So strong.

You just allow yourself one good cry, and nothing else.

I guess we all had our breakdowns, alone.

Just let everything inside go.

Too many high hopes, too many disappointments?

Just eleven more days.

We're not gonna throw away one year of hard work.

Looking back, I just realized that it has been almost half a year since it happened.
What that kept me going then was to prove myself to everyone who doubted me.
But why are we doing it for people who don't even care?
Why do it for the people who just want you to crumble?

You do it for the people who stood by you the whole time.
Show them that you are fighting for them.

It isn't the mentality or the pride that pushes me on anymore.
It's the people, it's the spirit.

Every drop of blood. Heart and soul, go the distance.
You mean every single word.

Keep believing.

We are strong.

We can fight so hard.

We will do it.

Holding it together when everything else is falling apart, that's true strength.

Come on girls.

We do it together.

Go out there and fight your hardest.

alot of food and life in general

I had a lot of good food this week :) and I'm feeling very loved hahaha

On Friday after training, I went to USS with mummy and sissy, then we met daddy to have buffet dinner at Hard Rock Hotel heh heh xD

The food was really really good, it was more oriental style than western, but there was lamb shank which was really delicious! And there are people serving you ice cream and fresh fruits (including coconuts and pineapples) and being the weird Lim family we are, mummy got a pomegranate and we brought it home! It's still sitting in the fridge, like a very cute decoration among the apples/pears/oranges/lemons. 

For the entire night, my sis and I were talking about how my mum broke her promise to one of the waiters at an Italian restaurant we considered dinnering at. Initially, we were going to eat there and mummy told the waiter "we will be back", but after looking at the buffet selection at Hard Rock, we changed our minds hahahah :P I'm really glad we got more bonding time together as a family, we haven't had a sit down meal in ages because of my trainings. Thank you to mummy who took time out from her work, to daddy for always sending me to school and fetching me from macritchie, and to my only sister for making my day :))

((I was going to upload photos by stealing pics from my sister's dayre but cannot copy and paste))

Saturday breakfast was the usual before-piano breakfasts hahaha. Noodles and chocolate milk and an apple (it's an excellent combination!!)

Then mum sis and I joined my aunt uncle and the two tyrants for lunch! Bak kut teh at Jalan Kayu was very very good ;-) we bought durian cake for my auntie's birthday too (someone's turning 42 hurhurhur) I feel like a very bad niece now for revealing my aunt's age ;P Dinner was popo's excellent pork chops/fish/potato soup/braised mushrooms/brocolli.

My sis baked red velvet cupcakes for the family and I ate one third of them whoops XD and gong gong made his masterpiece glutinous rice which I'm going to have for breakfast tomorrow :D

It kind of became a routine to play mahjong every saturday at popo's house :D but I'm a very bad player but the mahjong expert popo helped me win xD we don't play with money or chips, it's meant for family bonding through gambling :P

This afternoon I had lunch with my parents and sis again! Sunday meals are usually very good :))))) I had aglio olio which was served in a very big portion I was still hungry after that XP my sis and I bought cookies and ice lollies and finished them during the five minute walk home ;-) while I chionged my holiday homework, I ate potato sticks and three packets of my childhood sugar biscuits (MEGAN QUEK YOU WILL GET SOME FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY) and after that I was still hungry but I patiently waited for dinner (good kid here)

Daddy bought dinner for us, and he entered the house at exactly 5:59PM (I was waiting for the food) and three minutes later I was eating everything :D there was sambal 番薯叶, some pork thingy which was very nice, and egg ;)) quite a simple meal but all of my favourites ;)))

I think I sound like a pig now. After dinner I ate a pear, milo ice cream, more red velvet cupcakes, more potato sticks and an oreo donut. I'm quite full now.

My sis is baking a cake tomorrow looks like I have more to eat after training hurhurhur 

I always complain that our fridge doesn't have much to eat but I think I'm just too demanding xP 

OKAY ENOUGH ABOUT THE FOOD

Last thursday, the canoeists had an ICE BATH!!!

Ying and I were the first pair of girls to go in, and even though I tested the water by dipping my fingers in a few times, it was nothing compared to submerging your entire body in it.

Thank you for letting me squeeze the life out of your hands Ying :)))))

We had 3 cycles of 1min, switching with bao-les pair. Our reactions to the icy water were worlds apart hahaha. Some unglam photos please don't laugh (my face is more of constipated than in pain oops)

VS

HOW CAN THEY BE SO GAY AND CHEERFUL AND PHOTOGENIC IN A TUB OF ICE!!!

The moment I entered the water I froze. We were supposed to stretch out our legs but we just kept it crossed because both of us were in shock. I think I started hyperventilating the moment I went in, I couldn't stop even though everyone was asking me to calm down and relax. And the moment one minute was up I jumped out of the tub. I couldn't feel my body because it was so cold but I could still walk. Then I ran to where Philbert and Syaz were to splash warm water over myself (it was actually tap water but it felt really warm and comforting) then I ran up and down the track shrieking a bit before returning for the second round.

It was just as cold, and my breathing went out of control again, I think it got worse this time, like the second cycle felt longer than the first. But thank you to all those who were stroking my hair/back (this sounds wrong) and telling me that its okay ;))) and special mention to my bao for telling me a story during my 3rd cycle to distract me from the cold :D it was told during the last thirty seconds about me being a princess and getting married to Cody Simpson with four kids and having Ying as my bridesmaid XD it was hilarious and really helped with the cold!!

I would love to try the ice bath again and even though I might have a panic attack or something, it's really an experience everyone should have!! :D

Update on training: 

I think we're finally starting to peak. My K2 sets with bao on friday were really good ;)) and I hope this goes on in the K4 and we can really push past our limits during nats! 

;o) #shunles #bignoseday

Happy birthday to auntie lua/my flamingo/ms ng heh heh xD

Shoutout to my boyboy ;))) -time to triple date with bao and les-

"A flower does not think of competing to the flower next to it. It just blooms."

Yesterday was a really productive day, I paddled in the morning, did weights in the afternoon and had a really lovely dinner at Food For Thought with A and B girls! Thank you to Ms Ng and Ms Tan for treating us to this meal :)) The portions weren't very big (but then again the B girls ate burgers/pasta), but we had sides and desserts too :D it's quite pricey but I would love to go back again, maybe with the buskers!!

It was the first time I saw rain in Singapore the past two months (it rained on Sat/Sun but I was in M'sia), and finally the grass will turn green :P

We watched videos from NJCC yesterday, and I'm so proud of the B girls for fighting really hard during the races :") I think it's pretty amazing how the team can recognize each other in the video through our paddling styles; knowing so many people individually in a sense, just like a big family, from little kids to uncles and aunties (currently at the transition stage from a kid to being an auntie)

Yesterday's weights was by far the most tiring one in the past months, but the atmosphere was really good. Everyone was shouting encouragement, and we just kept pushing on for each other, and that's what a team truly is.

Shoulder press squats were the killers, and leg press was like a "labour ward" (quoting from Risa). My last station was bench press, and I nearly dropped the barbell on my face because I was already exhausted. Tomorrow will most probably be the same program, but it's gonna make us a lot stronger for nationals :)

I felt that this picture was pretty apt :)

It's just 3 more weeks. The days are flying past so quickly.

It's a tad worrying, but I'm looking forward to my first race of the year ;)

the best teammates I could ever ask for <3

Transition to the deeper part of the post.

A couple of days ago, I stumbled upon a quote which gave me a lot to think about.

"You are born, and then you die, but in between you can do anything you want."

Many of us have a life planned out for ourselves; we know what we want and we work towards it. But it's healthy to just let things flow. 

Many people have their own bucket list (I do, too), and we tell ourselves, "when I graduate, I'll go to New York with my friends.", "I'll visit Venice with my man", "We'll cliff dive together". But what if one day he's not around anymore, or your friends have changed, or maybe you got diagnosed with an illness and left confined in bed. Things won't go the same way as it used to be. It's easy to say, "suck it up and move on", but deep down, you are gonna endure those emotional struggles from within, trying to keep a brave front and continue doing the same things as before, as the time ticks your life away. No matter how good your plan is, there's nothing in this world that is foolproof. Something's bound to go wrong, everyone will have their own dark periods, we will all feel lost and uncared for when people just disappear and problems march in the wrong direction, mounting higher and higher.

Then comes a breaking point.

And there are various paths to walk.

You can choose to come to terms with it. Not in a matter of minutes, hours or days. But it will come with weeks and months of reflecting, of doing things you love, of learning to calm down. There will be many points of time you are disappointed by what seems to be the never-ending setbacks, when you envy people for their bright smiles, for not having a care in the world, but the truth is, they've endured a storm before. But they just shook off the rain drops and waited for the sun to rise. And when it finally did, they dried their long travelling cloaks, and not long later, they continued on the journey. It slowed them down, but there's no rush. 

Or you can choose to accept that your fate will never change. You can keep assuming that things will stay this way, that your life will remain in this miserable state. 

People will tell you that you are not good enough. 

People will tell you that you're not worth it. 

People will tell you to just give up. 

But it's all up to you whether you believe what they say is true.

If you love yourself enough, you will walk away from it and give yourself a better chance.

I'm still learning to love more and desire less.

To understand that there's no need to live up to anyone's expectations but your own.

And not to be ashamed of voicing out on my beliefs.

There were many times I wanted to disagree with someone so badly, but I just kept quiet out of fear of offending others. I didn't want people to use the words I once said against me. I really try to hurt no one through my own actions and words, but I hate listening to things I don't agree on (and yet I'm afraid to speak up). One, mocking of others' appearances. Two, criticism of their choices. And the last, negatively influencing others to follow what you believe in (and that may not necessarily be right). 

I believe in Christianity. But I'm truly interested whenever people talk to me about their various religious practices. It's fascinating to hear them speak up about their beliefs, and I admire them very much for doing so. I know people who are firmly rooted to their own beliefs, to the point that they resent others who have different religions. I believe that everyone has their own rights to make choices, and that no one has the power to force them into certain decisions. Whoever you are or whatever you choose, no one has the right to deprive you of your happiness, no one has the right to insult your race or religion. I'm not sure if it's 'morally proper' to speak about this topics on a public platform, but I stand firm on this.

I'm slowly learning to speak truthfully but without bad intentions, and it's very hard to phrase the words properly. 

I believe that honesty is one of the most important values of friendships.

After listening for so long a time, it's time to start talking.

I've learnt to stop being angry at people and at how things turn out to be. Still, there are moments when I'm upset, and while the first step of voicing your thoughts is hard, I've realised that things do get so much better afterwards. And with that comes happiness.

Everyone started shaky and full of cracks, but little bits of joy and moments of laughter filled up those holes. People existed to bring us happiness, to give us a stable support. There will be times when we are knocked down and dented once more, but different people will come in to keep you sane, to let you hang on to the belief. Then some things will cease to exist, but it doesn't mean that you don't have a reason to live. People, sunsets, animals, laughter. Those little things that happen every minute add up to our thoughts of our day, and these feelings will span for weeks and months and years. And before you know it, so magically, everything falls into place. Happiness makes our lives whole :)

One day, when you know you're going to die, it's time to let go of all the troubles and just live the last days as best as you can.

Be honest with the people you've wronged, admit to the lies spluttered out in an attempt to impress others.

Apologize to those you hurt, stitch up the seams on every broken promise.

We don't just mend our own faults. We go beyond ourselves. 

We tape up torn papers, glue together pieces of china, tighten loose screws.

Doing all the things we should have done.

We used to have years of free time, but everything was wasted away.

Only in the path of impending death do we finally learn to appreciate little things.

When you are going to die, medals and checkbooks no longer matter.

It's the people; those intangible things such as love and compassion.

If people are so important in letting us leave this world without worry or uncertainty, why do we spend our days blaming them for life's unhappiness?

When you're angry at someone, or someone is mad at you, neither has the upperhand.

There's no use and no need for both parties to be unhappy.

Much as you feel it isn't your fault, have you ever paused to consider if you're being objective?

It doesn't hurt to say sorry. It's hard but whatever that follows will be the best for the both of you.

Things may turn out even better than before.

You never know.

We never know. 

You are pissed and annoyed and irritated that she's being myopic.

But everyone sees things in their own point of view.

It's normal, but yet we don't like the norm.

Don't be angry.

It's really not worth it.

And you know that this isn't the first time.

You don't need to 'stand it'.

I don't 'stand it'.

I just let things flow.

Do the things that make them happy, because you will always find joy in others' happiness.

After the whole rollercoaster of emotions, the waters will be still.

There will be hurt and betrayal and anger.

But faith and love and happiness surpasses all these.

We always remember the storms and floods and how the roofs of houses were torn down.

But we can always keep the pictures of sunny skies and golden beaches and blooming flowers close to our hearts.

One minute of unhappiness at someone gives us one less moment to live and fight for.

What for hold on to the things that keep hurting you?

Everyone struggles, and some hide it better than others.

^This struck me quite hard.

I couldn't help but add in something from my fandom.

Goodnight :)

So I came back from Kuantan on Monday night, and I'm lazy to blog about it so here are some pictures! (photo credits not to me)

Very failed AH buskers picture ahahah

JW

One of the puppies at Cherating's surf shack, he's so adorable <3

2/4 of the puppies

The AH class! I'm really glad we found time to bond on the way back ;))

Never mess with AHU kids (Izza took this I think!)

I thought Batu Hitam was the most beautiful beach, even though people rather Cherating or Telok Cempedak/Tongkang (how to spell), Batu Hitam was really clean and quiet, and they have good Ramly Burgers too hahaha xD I would really love to come back again, not for fieldwork, but to relax :) you'll never find such lovely coastal areas in Singapore, and there's a sense of tranquility when you just sit by the beach and just watch the waves lapping at the shore, smelling the salty air. 

((Actually I have plenty of time now but I have other stuff to blog about so that's about it))

“For as long as the world spins and the earth is green with new wood, she will lie in this box and not in my arms.”

So basically this week was all over the place.

Many things happened, I got exposed to quite a bit of new stuff (both good and bad). But I'm just going to take things as it goes, and hopefully, it'll get better with time.

Just last week, I was telling myself, five more weeks to Nationals. One week has already passed by in a blur, I can't even remember much. It's like drifting in and out of sleep, somewhat remembering the dreams, but you fall back unconscious on the pillow once more. You're not sober, yet you aren't exactly drunk, just somewhere in between.

I just did circuit weights not long ago but it seems so far away. I took K1 for an hour on Tuesday, and all I remember was eating all the backwash.

Wednesday was K1 for the entire training, it was 2 sets of [2:30,2:00,1:30,1:00,0:30], with equal amount of rest. Then, technique check until end of training. Honestly, I thought it's a pretty slack programme, considering we're approaching nationals really soon. I know that this way, we can include and help the C Div along every single training (last year, we just paddled out on our own while watching the seniors sprinting down the lanes). Many things changed, everyone can see that. The recruitment done for last year's CAFE students was good, they got plenty of people, but right now, you just got to keep them in.

Ms Ng said something along these lines on Thursday.
"Don't enjoy training? Who enjoys training? You train for the people around you! I also don't like running up down up down! Who likes it, crazy ah? So they must have someone they're staying for!"

Ms Ng nags a lot (actually all the teachers/coach have been nagging at me for my horrid technique), but she really means well :) she's the teacher who paddles alongside us, shouting encouragement (or scolding), or running with us when we are dying, pushing us past our own limits. I always told the JH2 girls that without her, I wouldn't have improved so much, both on land and water. She's an amazing teacher, I'm really grateful for everything she's done for the team :)

On Thursday morning, we did 20s hard, 10s easy. 2 sets of 8. The 10s was just enough for you to turn around and prep yourself for the sprints, and no matter how tired you are, just push it. It's only 20s, you have to explode, even if you are on the verge of dying, you know that it's gonna end really soon. You don't even count the sets, you just push through despite the lactic kicking in. And after that programme, we played Captain's ball with the kids and A Div girls. It was really fun (even though I bruised myself when I crashed into Bao oops), and it took away a lot of worries I had that morning :)

I spent the entire Thursday afternoon slacking off at home. I only have the discipline to work hard during training, I don't bother putting in half the effort for my studies at all, and that has to change somehow.

Once, Demon told me this when I was unhappy with my grades. "If you can work hard in your cca, that means you can do the same in studies. You just got to try."

After that, I asked myself why I couldn't do it. I can't sit down and try to do work, I get distracted so easily. At this rate, I don't think I can even make it past this year. (I was telling Emma that if I can't graduate, I'll be a primary school teacher.)

Friday morning was imagery. I've only done DB imagery twice, and it was really different from what we did yesterday. When Ms Ng said "the boat on your left is half a boat length ahead of you", I was thinking about what I would do on water. Usually, whenever someone overtakes me, I just let them go. But I'm starting to learn to fight with them, to try to keep up even if it's just a couple of seconds. And during the time when I'm on par with them, I have the drive to attempt to overtake, and while it fails most of the time, I know that I fought hard for that set.

Friday's training was my first proper training in the week. The kids weren't around, and it was just the seniors, so it was just sprint sets after sprint sets. I didn't even know what the program was (it was supposed to be 30x1min), I just tried to power every single stroke. Every single set was hell, because the water was really hard to pull, but the cycle was high, so I didn't get a good catch. Every time the boat tilted, I couldn't kick or twist properly, and it really affects the glide of the boat. Kicking can propel the boat forward, but only if we're in sync. The conditions won't be in our favour in Bedok during Nats, but we just have to keep on going.

Just four more weeks.

Not for yourself, but for them.

"Listening to the heart and soul."

All we need is someone to hold us in their arms tightly and tell you, "Everything's going to be okay."

And sometimes all I want is some food and a good cry.

无名

It's been a pretty hectic week.

Full of ups and downs, running wild with emotions. I've learnt a lot, honestly. A couple of near-breakdowns, burying my head into my pillow every night, wondering where I went wrong. Dragging myself out of bed, worrying about living up to your expectations, just trying to face things with an open heart. It's better to hurt myself than to hurt you because it's gonna snowball into something huge and I'm tired of it.

Okay back to the not-so-emotional times. (I'm going to skip all the parts on assessments because there's literally nothing worthwhile to talk about)

Wednesday: 2.4 Time Trial with basketballers + pull-up trial

It was so damn stressful, I swear. I spent the past week thinking about how I was gonna run the 6 rounds, and I finally decided to start upping the speed at the last 400, rather than the last 100m like I usually do. And I chionged the first round just like in camp, and I forced myself to sprint forward to catch up with the girls who overtake me. It caused my breathing to go crazy, because of the sudden increase and drop in speed, but it really helped to improve my timing. When Angie asked me for my PB on Tuesday, I told her, "You'll see tomorrow, I'm going to get my PB tomorrow." When I said that, I was really doubting myself inside. But that was another reason that made me push for the trials. I'm just glad I clocked my PB, with the presence of the bballers pushing me really hard, so thank you for joining us on Wednesday :)

For pull-ups, I just can't do one. I'm going to give myself two weeks to hit my first pull-up.

And thank you to the girls who came down to the grandstand to support me :)) it really means a lot (even though I didn't see or hear you cheering me on :P ) but it's really heartening to know that I have such wonderful friends who are willing to skip one morning of sleep/studying/playing to look at my face, love you :-*

Wednesday was the most emotional day of the week though. Thank you for being there for me all this while :") just know that I love you alot <3

Thanks auntie and yingo for listening to me rant, and to Celeste for the message early this morning and in the evening :) it really means a lot to me, it helped to get the load off my chest ;))

Friday: Roadrun.

I'm proud to say that this is the first roadrun which I didn't walk :P but I kind of wish that there'll be two rounds, one of which is the 'competitive' one, then the other one is where we can take our time and enjoy the scenery :) I didn't have time to look into Marina Reservoir at all because I was panting so hard.. Kallang brings back really fond memories, but it's been a long time since I last paddled there, but I hope we'll be back during the DB season :-)

And I managed reach my target of Top 20, and it's my first NJ medal :) the rest are 5km finisher, 16km finisher, DBS Regatta finisher medals. And the other two medals are from Scrabble and Captain's ball in P6 hahahah XP

I managed to spend time with the buskers, Wang and Ironman around the barrage, but not before taking pictures with the oneders! (MEGAN EYEBROWS QUEK UPLOAD THE BUSKERS PHOTOS OR ELSE)

Then B div Gardens By The Bay expedition and boats check and trials with Hwachong, it was really tiring and the wind was so strong during the race sets, the K4 couldn't even push away from the pontoon when we were turning.

Nationals are in 5 weeks, I can't go for NJCC because of the Kuantan trip (but if the drought happens at Kuantan then I can), this is just so worrying. Everyone in the team is stressed over different things, but as Yingo said, we're gonna get through this together :)

This post is all over the place, I'm not in a mood to rewrite it so here's the post that no one's waiting for.

Another post will be up soon :)