Live it well.

Happy New Year, all my love babes.

"never say goodbye because saying goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting."

(going through some editing)

I haven't properly came to terms with the fact that it's JH3 next year.

It's going to be 301, not onederland working it's magic.

Every single year, I sit down and tell myself, "This year was better than the last."

I don't think it will be like this next year.

2013 has been a beautiful chapter, the best out of fourteen.

I've gotten to know amazing people.

I saw the magic of a family.

Many a times, I was happier than I'd ever been.

I learnt to appreciate what I have.

I believe I made a difference.

I understood what it meant by doing your best for the people you love.

Found the strength to let go of things that can't be undone, and just move on, only keeping the memories.

I'll always be grateful for those friendships forged this year; I truly hope this continues in 2014. Many things are going to change, but hopefully, for the better.

And so, some new year resolutions:
1. Start doing my homework
2. Stay awake in class (I don't think so)
3. Try not to let my piano collect dust
4. Train hard
5. Keep my results up (cos 301 is going to be competitive and I sure as hell do not like that)
6. Not to judge my new classmates
7. Stay close to the oneders and buskers
8. Make sure 301 does not call themselves oneders
9. Get more sleep and eat more
10. Up my weights
11. Spend more time with my family (this is going to be hard)

12. Remember people's birthdays
13. HFH (but NJ doesn't allow)
14. K4 double gold!
15. Grow a bigger chest (I need papaya soya milk)

That's about it.
And hopefully when the new year begins the pain in my lats will miraculously disappear so Thursday's 2.4 will go well. (it didn't go well unfortunately, I was like barely below 12min)

Those 2013 things I'm grateful for:

- My family. Even though we kind of drifted from each other, argued more often, didn't understand each other, I just wanna say I still love all of you the most, out of all the people I know. 14 years and counting, you've been there for me. I may rant and all about you not accepting my behavior and attitude sometimes (I admit that I'm hard to manage), but if not for you, I wouldn't be where I am now. (2014 is the year to start making up for all the fights + cold wars. Please.)

- Buskers. They were the ones that brought me out from my shell. They were the ones that taught me how to accept others for who they are. They know when I'm upset, and they won't force me to speak up, but they won't let me bottle it in. They make me happy, they make me dare to dream, and there's this unspoken promise that we'll fulfill our dreams together. Which we will. We are all very different people, yet we come together as one, it's amazing. I love them to the end of the world, they are very inspiring people. They love me for who I am; I'm really blessed to have such incredible and true friends.

- Oneders. My second family. I've always talked so much about my oneders, but no amount of words can describe this amazing bunch of people. They've always made my day, and I look forward to seeing them all the time. They are quick to forgive you, they don't hesitate to show their love (it's really sweet), and they always promise to be my pillar of strength (I was so touched). I love them so much that I still cry every time I read the letters and watch the video. I honestly hope that we will stay together, that we won't drift, because they mean so much to me, I can't bear to lose this family. Two onederful years I'll always remember.

- My team. The motivation; the strength from them influenced me greatly right from the start. Many things changed along the way, I really appreciate everything they've done for me. It's pretty hard to put it down here, but these two months made so much of a difference. They say to look into the future, but the past matters as well. And even for the years to come, the girls will always be part of the best memories.

- Those times when people ask, "are you okay", it means a lot to know that they care, thank you for it.

- When I wanted to give up on paddling, the people who told me to stay strong, to stay motivated, all the letters and texts that pulled me through that period of time. "Even if you fall, we'll be there to catch you, to cry with you, and we'll make you happy."

- I learnt the true meaning of friendship. It's not #BFF4LYFE but rather, live this moment with them, be there for each other, have faith and the river will keep flowing. People leave, but better people come into your life. People you never thought you would learn to love made a difference in you.

There's a lot more, but these are the main few :)

"It's who you are I care about."
"You must learn to love yourself."
"Everyone is beautiful, you must believe that you are beautiful too."
"Just be happy."

That's 2013 folks.

"show that you're fighting for them, and make them want to fight for you."

We went to Sentosa.

1. Slope runs (7 sets)
2. Sandcastle Building
3. OUTRIGGER
4. White lunch
5. Round-The-Island (18km)
6. Pilates

Tuesday was the fun day of the camp :D

I'm glad my group started with slopes, so the worst was over and we could enjoy outrigger without worrying about running. Slopes were just bad. No need to elaborate on my "love" for running, let alone seven sets of killer two minutes.

Sandcastle building was nice. It brought back many fond memories of my childhood when my family always went to ECP to play :) Then OUTRIGGER!!! The K1 was so fun, and very stable even though it was in the sea, and the rudder is so nice and big and easy to control direction <3

I was actually starving after everything. Then there was a white lunch. White rice, white cabbage, white egg, white chicken. I had to force myself to finish the food like it was my final set, everyone was having seconds so as to not waste food, so our group came up with this slogan: Every grain of rice, chicken and egg, go the distance XP

Round the island was for endurance, I guess. Walking to sentosa cove and back was so tiring, and we had all the heavy bags to lug, and we slowly drank the isotonic because we only had two bottles and during the first water break half a bottle was gone. But we completed it with plenty of time to spare, so Aunty taught me the JH3 chem stuff which I kind of understood. Christine is like the best tutor ever, she can deal with sotongs like me, I love you aunty <3

Pilates at night and no dodgeball (WHYYY). I'll take yoga next time, thanks :) me like to stretch rather than core training ;P

Okay so I'm lazy to talk about the next 3 days in detail. So to the important parts of each day:

Wednesday was race simulation + baohui joining the group (after a great boy chase around europe). It was freezing at night and in the morning and we had to be in singlets so I was just shivering while warming up in the bay. Fell short by 3-5s for the 500m and 1000m target timings, I think it was quite disappointing. If I had pushed harder for 10 more seconds, maybe I would be sub-2:45 for 500m and sub 5:50 for 1000m. For 500m, I kept up with Ruiting and Christine for about 250m when I just died out after having one of my best starts. There's still so much to work on..

Thursday was the JH1s joining us, and we had outdoor cooking, our group's food was so nice that most of it got eaten by people from other groups. Baohui makes very good apple crumble, she should open a bakery next time, I would eat there every day. And the Saus Manis Chicken was amazing. We just used the sauce for a marinade and added more and more when we cook, but it was successful. And we added uncooked bell peppers for decoration. Those peppers tasted bad because Shiyun doesn't like vegetables. In the end, our two boxes of salad were 1/5 eaten by our group and the others eaten by people who didn't want to waste food.

(I sound like a grandma now.)

Friday was fun race + reflections + break camp.

I think I'll just talk about reflections.

Everyone's been worrying for nats. The lineup, whether we can hit our target timings, whether the team boats will work out, whether we'll have enough points, whether we can make do with what we have.

It's going to be my first competitive nats. There's excitement, but there's also fear. I don't want to be a burden on the K4. I'm afraid that my 100% isn't good enough. That I can't push as hard as the others. All sorts of worries and fears.

The best thing we can do now is to look at each other, trust each other, and know that we are strong, that we are good, that we can do this. Together.

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters as compared to what lies within us."

I hope that when SCM comes, I'll be ready. I don't want to pull Celeste down, I don't want her to pull my weight. I really hope that I won't disappoint her. Seeing how I am in the K2 now, I still have so much more to go.

I need to control my emotions better, if I want to be a good senior, which I have to.

When the juniors were discussing the B Div 2015 lineup without me there, without telling me about it until I asked, I just blew up inside. I didn't scream at them, but I'm pretty sure there was a murderous look on my face or something like that. I just couldn't calm down.

Then I look at the way Celeste speaks to them, it's just so different. It's like she understands them better than I do, and I'm pretty sure they had rather talk to her than me, since I'm that 激动 JH2 senior who looks like she's going to blow her top anytime.

Ying says that Celeste can control her emotions well, plus she has that charisma that makes you want to listen to her. Celeste doesn't scream or rage, but she can get the message across. I doubt I even have half of what she has.

All the attendance stuff, the latecoming, the punishments, the fact that I just can't communicate the importance to them makes me want to tear my hair out. I wouldn't have even survived a week with them if not for the JH3s. They take care of the kids too, even better than I can. Thank you everything you've done for me, it really means a lot, honestly. :)

I think I failed as a senior. If I can't even understand them, talk to them, not lose my temper at them, how am I going to lead them into B Div 2015?

I just hope a better day will come.

When they will finally cooperate with me. Or in this case, me controlling my emotions.

When I can be sure they can take care of themselves.

And I'm worried that they will quit because I scold them too much or because they keep being punished for being late. And when they are late despite warnings and reminders so many times, it's hard to be nice and say, "It's alright, my dear, you are a jewel, of course you can take your time. Of course it's my fault that you are late. Of course it's my fault that you have to do pushups."

I hate pretending to be nice, pretending that everything's fine, when it isn't.

But because it's only going to be me as their senior in B Div 2015, I have to tahan all this. I hope it's temporary.

I'm stressing over my juniors for my B Div 2015 when I'm still worrying for my nats next year, how I'm going to cope and try not to fail JH3, how I'm going to spend time with the people I love yet balance paddling and studies and trying to live some of my dreams.

Sorry for the rants.

It's been a pretty conflicting two weeks.

Some things are so good. Some things are just bad.

And I got a bruised finger and thigh from bench pull and tyre flip during land.

I hope I'm strong enough for all the incoming obstacles.

I just want to be a good teammate. An understanding senior.

Dealing with juniors and my oneders are worlds apart. Talking to the oneders comes so naturally, right from the start. To think we're only one year apart, yet so huge a difference.

I guess it's because the oneders have that magical touch to all twenty-three of us. I've never experienced such close bonds, besides within my family. And the oneders did that within two years.

Everything's pretty messed up.

I'm looking forward to Saturday when I can see my oneders after a long time.

That's when I can properly start ranting.

My pillar of strength. Family.

Because we are a family.

It's been slightly more than five weeks since 2nd November 2013.

I still think of my buskers and oneders everyday.

We haven't had a proper buskers photo besides the one at the wedding.

Damn, I miss you all so much.

I put these 2 photos cos Demon and Mizuki only looked at the camera for one pic XP so technically I combined two pictures to form a proper buskers photo.

Back to the holidays.

I gotta finish my homework before I fly off. Still got horrible chinese and the LA speech, math more or less done, science is done in small bits. At least no physics :)

I'm in AH next year, and looking through my next year's class list, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to have a perfect four years.

I'm very lucky to have 4/7 of the buskers with me in 301. Megan, THQ, Mizuki and me. And there's Ironman, who is my brother-in-law. Gwen and Demon in A-science, then Blaire in the MEP class. Seven people, three classes. I hope we'll all be together for lessons or something like that, I can't imagine going for Math without Blaire or THQ, I'm so used to both of them sitting/sleeping/slacking with me.

If anyone besides the five of us calls themselves ONEders for being in 301, I'll saw their heads off and skin them alive. Megan promised to do so too. 301 is not Onederland. And it will never be onederland.

This post is supposed to be for my oneders. No one else.

(And so I took down some of my JB posters and replaced 1/3 of the wall with oneder/busker photos. Then the middle are for motivational quotes to keep me inspired for nats, and the other 1/3 is for team photos in the future years.)

Okay let's start this post proper.

Thank you for the two beautiful years, I couldn't ask for more. Honest.

The fact that we could go up to anyone in class, pull out a chair, and just sit there and talk for hours is so magical. 

I was just rewatching the onederland video on Sunday night, then reading all the messages in the book.

And I buried myself under the quilt and cried.

I miss the twenty-two of you so much. I guess the next four years will be sitting in our own classes and looking out at the tree outside and longing for onederland to return.

Next year, give us one day. Just one day, and we sit together in a class with round tables and catch up on everything that we missed.

And we go to Botanic Gardens and take a oneder picture in front of the gates and compare to our JH1 photos and cry and smile and laugh over all of us growing up.

And in the evening, we buy food and sit at our special place in Vivo and just feel the love in the air.

And we take the mrt and keep on going, wishing that there be a "onederland" station where all of us get off.

Then we go home and reality strikes. It's not gonna happen.

But you can't just suck it up and move on.

You'll never be able to get over this.

But I still hold on to the hope that one day, all 23 of us will just go out together, just like the old times.

We will watch each other grow up and fall in love (even between oneders) and eat a tub of ice cream when our hearts get broken.

We will go backpacking after college together, we will ride the largest roller coaster in this world, we'll go parachuting and scuba diving together, we'll live in one huge apartment, cook for each other, take care of each other.

And have the time of our lives.

Then as we become working adults, we go to each others' weddings, we see each of us having the chance to stand in the hall of fame, we see each other having their own families, we become godparents because onederland never changed.

And we watch each others' children grow up, as we all begin to retire and have white hair and wrinkles, but we still love each other at 50 years old.

When we are old but not so old, we can still walk through sunflower fields, visit the places we went in Malaysia, go to the beach in Carribean, and help each other fulfill our lifelong dreams.

Maybe, when we're old and gnarled, with our wheelchairs and walking sticks, we still go out for a meal with our dentures, we marvel over each others' grandchildren, or even great-grandchildren.

Maybe some of us would live to a ripe old age. Some of us maybe earlier. But we are there for each other.

And I want to be able to say, we've been together for more than seventy years. A family for seventy odd years.

Yeah, that's what I want.

I guess that's my version of my onederland fairytale.

I just want to say, I'm glad all of you were here to share these amazing journey with me.

And I really wish that this journey wouldn't just end here.

I truly hope that we have decades of memories together, so many miles to travel together, so many words we haven't said.

I hope that we are all there to share the little bits of happiness when we grow up, from our first love, graduation, making our family proud, getting married, having kids, living our dreams.

One day.

Andre Gide said, "Men cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore."

People say, let it go.

01 is just a chapter in your life, it's has closed, you just got to move on.

You just got to keep those memories and that's it.

But I can't. We can't.

I will discover new oceans. And I will lose sight of the shore.

But only if the people I love are with me.

That's selfish.

But I love them, and I want them to be by my side.

To be there to share my happiness, to lessen my sorrow, or just smile and laugh.

As oneders.

One day, we can just sit in the forest, under the night sky, and just watch the stars forever.

Forget all the burdens, all our troubles, just breathe in the air and stay frozen in that picture.

That's a beautiful picture, I would like that land of fantasy.

Maybe one day we'll celebrate a white christmas together, in front of a fireplace with hot chocolate.

Maybe we'll get on this Disney cruise and sail the world.

Maybe we'll live our dreams.

Maybe we'll have all the people we love with us.

Maybe we'll all be happy.

Maybe life is perfect.

Dreams do come true.

In the most magical way.

Let's just grow old with the people we love.

Then we'll leave a mark in this world.

We'll have a nice cottage in the country.

And we pick cherry apples for a living.

We become moms and dads.

We have a big family.

And we are happy.

Please be happy.

If there's one thing I can give you,

I would give you happiness.

Yeah, I miss you guys.

So damn much.

"all we want is a fighting chance to live our dreams."

It has been an amazing five days. One of the best camps ever.

For once, I didn't want it to end.

I wanted to stay there and sleep on the hard floor, eat my food from my container with my Group 4 + Eight Princesses, wash my own plates, climb the steps from grandstand to the dorms, wait for the shower, to eat after lights out with Celeste, to just talk and gay with everyone I could find.

For starters, the camp had the feel to it. While it was a training camp, it was so magical. The atmosphere was good right from the start, when we did 2.4 the first thing in the morning.

I could hardly sleep the night before because of the time trial. The target was simple: sub 12. But every time I took it, the improvement in number of seconds started to drop, when it got harder to shave off the seconds. The previous improvement was a 13s improvement, and if I were to improve by 13s again, my timing would be exactly 12, and not the 11+ I wanted.

I didn't know how I ran. I had a bad start, like how I always do when I run. The A and B Div girls started together, and I was at the back, but the first round was fast. Usually my timing for the first round would be 1:50, but this time, it was 1:30+. The shock and surprise gave the burst and energy to keep it going, and the constant encouragement did wonders whenever I felt like dying out. My lungs were already burning out after the first round, which was both good and bad. The bad meaning my stamina wasn't up to it, the good was that whenever my lungs burnt during time trials, I improve a lot.

I tried to keep every round under 2 minutes, and after the fifth round, I was under 10, and I just told myself, it's now or never, finish it like it's your last. I'm glad I got under 12 minutes by quite a bit, more than what I expected :) but I really hope I can maintain for the next TT.

Then we watched Without Limits, about Steve Prefontaine. His story is one that I'll remember, that he kept on running, kept on lasting throughout the pain. I really hope I'm strong enough to not just last, but give back to the people, to the seniors, the juniors, the team.

We had 200 pushups, the only proper punishment we ever had for being late in these 5 days. I think we might have scared away all the people from our side of the canteen...

In the afternoon was 10km Time Trial. For the first 4km, I was trying to catch the C1 guys, Ronnie and Timothy. It took much longer than usual to catch to them, the gap between us widening and closing every now and then. But them being the target really helped improve my timing.

Yingo had set the target for me to be sub 70min, my PB being around 72. I had to go under 7 minutes per km, and as every lap went by, the timings were all quite fine until I capsized at the 9km mark as I was turning. While I had tracked the time in which I capped, the disappointment is still there. Of course it took more than 36s to get on the pontoon and empty the boat, since the timing with capsize was 1:10:35, but I really wanted to properly see my timing of sub 70. Give and take a couple of seconds, it was around 67 minutes. It's a five minute improvement, compared to the other 30s improvements during training. And the next target for me is sub 65.

So that's it for day one.

Unless you count Celeste poking me in the middle of the night and asking me to turn over and not remembering it in the morning.

so that bringing back these memories won't be painful anymore.

I was just looking through the videos from NWK.

And the feeling I've always tried to push away crept in. To be exact, it washed in, like a wave of emotions.

I wish all of you were here to share it with me.

I know that we don't want to be reminded of the past. But history will always hold the memories. And I cherish them. (Things WILL come out harsh, so if you can't take it, please don't read it.)

Right now, I just hope that all of you are happy. As I said right from the start, I would always support you in whatever you chose for yourself. And I truly hope you will do the same for me, even though the path I took will continue on while you turned into another fork which leads to somewhere else.

I don't want or need any apologies. It was your own decision, and I'll always respect it. You must know that you chose it for a reason which isn't me. So you don't have to trouble yourself worrying about what I think, or feel, because I would never blame you for it. I believe in your choices, I believe that it will make you happy, and that's all I ask from you. That you will be happy, that you will tell me when you're hurting, that you will become the person you want to be.

And all I ask from you is that you will accept my choice of staying on.
You must know that I'm happy here.
I came on my own accord; this is what I want.
Please understand that.

We used to be in this sport together, remember?
Or have you forgotten everything?

Every person in this world is different.

While my choice isn't what you would choose (in the end), don't you notice that your choice isn't what I would have chosen either?

Why can't any of you see that this is TWO-WAY?

I can understand that you all worry about my well-being.
I promise I'll take care of myself.

But I just don't get why my decision is being questioned time and time again, when the answer will always remain the same.

I was just disappointed that all of you wanted me to go, forcing me to look through my choices.

(Did I force you to look through your own?)

(If I did, I'm sorry. But the intention was never there.)

What I have is what I want and enough for myself.

I have a different perspective; a different view in life.
And I won't apologise for it, because there's nothing for me to say sorry for.

We all know that we can't turn back time. Maybe all of us would have managed ourselves better and maybe we would still be together.

But whatever happened has happened.
The past will stay as the past, we all have to move on.

(And 301 will make up for the time lost.)

I can promise you will not lose me.
I'm sure that if all of you stop for a moment, and take one step back to look around yourselves, (force yourself if you must) to think about whether you lost yourself to the team in the past, you will understand the message I want to bring across.

I cannot change all these.
But I don't believe that I'm in the wrong for staying on.

I still remember all the times we struggled through training.

I remember all the lunches we had, all the complaints we ranted to each other about.

I never forgot how all our friendships started through a boat and a paddle.

I never forgot the ups and downs we went through, cheering each other on no matter what.

And even when the numbers slowly depleted, we kept each other motivated.

And even when the people left, we still looked out for them each time.

And I will always look out for all of you.

I do care.

Each and every single one of you means so much to me, even till now.

That never changed.

I still love all of you, so damn much.

And all of you will always remain as the building blocks and memories of my canoeing life.

Because everything will never be the same without all of you with me from the start.

I'm grateful for everything, especially the friendships forged.

I know the above rant isn't the best thing you want to see now, but I wanted to clear things out.

I hope that none of you will hold it against me for what I said., that you won't take offence.

I hope that all of you will understand, and after all these is cleared, all of us can start afresh.

We still have the memories, and the friendship will always be the same.

Thank you for everything, girls.

You all mean so much to me.

Please be happy, and I will be happy too.

Let's move on, okay?

Moving on isn't forgetting everything.

It means that we continue living just like how we used to do.

All of you are smart, strong girls.

And so beautiful to me.

We'll always have each others' back.

No matter what happens, no matter what that was said.

I still love all of you.

the rojak week

So many things to talk about, this shouldn't be too deep a post.
Before I forget anything let me list out the stuff I'm gonna talk about:
1. Land + Ergo + Lunch + the little things we do in between
2. Water
3. Catching Fire
4. Juniors
5. Next year
6. and some other stuff.

Monday was land tutorial and it was still focus planks + pullups. Pullups were so beautiful because a lovely soul (cough-chest-cough) made me do 8 seconds reverse pullups :( aiya but besides that it's okay. After that was lunch then HTHT it really helped alot. They are really good people to talk to, I'll always appreciate that :)

Then there was water, 5km before Cat 1. It was a PB for my 5km on Monday, but my cycle rate has to up more, but when there's no one to pace with, it's quite hard to do so. Usually the wash at the starts are very strong, I try to ride on anyone I can, but I'll keep on losing direction, then when the waves die out, the water is pretty much stagnant and the motivation level drops, because I'm always very excited during starts and after whacking the water for awhile, the fatigue kind of sets in.. The last charge was okay I guess, Yingrui said it was good, but I want to sort of like view myself doing it, so at least I know how my cycle rate should be like.

We did a little bit of dry paddling then coach's pushups+crunches+superman. The juniors seemed quite lost, because when coach says 30seconds left it's actually 45seconds to 1minute. During superman he was like last 10, then an eternity later, he said last 5, I was like kill me now I can't hold any longer. But overall it was good lah :)

Tuesday was weights in the morning. I was planning to bench pull 12.5kg since I was dropping to 5x6, but instead it was 3x20, so the weights had to be dropped. Hopefully, during camp, I can up the weights. And hit sub-12 for 2.4. Technically hit all the targets set during Term 2 this year. Oh and Choowei is a nice weights partner since both of us have bad aiming for med ball throw xD (and during ergo I was caught in a sleeping bag)

Tuesday water started an hour early, but it was K2 with Celeste :D we did one set of 6km, I think my cycle rate isn't high enough for Celeste to follow, but it was considerably higher than in a K1, and I can always feel the power from the back of the boat. But the last charge was good. I suppose that was the fastest last charge I've ever done before, both the power and cycle rate. Those are the few moments you'll always remember, that makes a difference, thank you for it :)

Then Tuesday night. I'm sorry I can't check my phone for people messaging me at 3.29, I'm sorry that I'm such a horrible jewel caretaker. I'm sorry I didn't carry out my maid job properly, yes it's my fault, I'm going to bow down to all 26+1 and kiss their feet. NO. I'm trying, okay, I'm really trying. I'm sorry if I can't get a response, because I'm a bad senior I can't earn any respect from talents because I'm not one, I will be grateful from now on that I'm alive okay.

They will be in my B Div 2015, and honestly, I don't know what's going to happen. How to set lineup. To make them go for land. To make them stop being late for every freaking land and water training. To learn that pushups are not just for the pain. It's to learn. It's supposed to make you feel guilty. But all I see is you all feeling that "the seniors are doing it too, I am doing it too, since we both feel pain, it evens out, it's not my fault". How to teach them that sometimes, in life, you have to run when you are late, even though you look cool walking in slowly.

I'm just a bad senior, all in all. If I can't even get them to do the simplest of things, how are we going to fight for the title in 2015? I can't take every boat with them. They have to do it themselves, sometimes. And if they can, it's because they are the jewels. If they don't, it's because of me. 对不起。

Let's stop this rant for now. It clears the mind for a little bit, but the guilt sets in. They are just there because I need blogging to do it's magic. Things will clear in a while. I hope.

Wednesday was an altogether different day. The morning, sadly, was unproductive. I hardly did the holiday homework, but instead spent the time lepaking until after lunch, when I met with Yingrui Celeste Aunty Ruiting to discuss the best way to communicate with the juniors. We were clustered at Civic's Starbucks and we had nothing to do after that so we ended up watching Catching Fire at Causeway. I watched it on Saturday with Jia too, but the movie's so good that it's worth it to watch twice, or even three times hahas ;P

Cathay had student price, a lot cheaper than at Lido (eleven dollars leh! ehh jiaxin you owe me four bucks later I add interest rate ahh XP) there were very tiny buckets of two dollars popcorn and Celeste bought hotdogs which she finished during the trailers. During trailers I ate from Yingrui's popcorn then during the movie I suddenly switched to Celeste's one. And she was so excited in her seat that she kept slapping my hand asking for spoilers and spilling popcorn onto me. Oh and Finnick is hot, especially that smile when he was eating the sugar cube ;)

The plot is really good, while the first book was better than the second, movie wise, Catching Fire is nicer. Better effects, and it didn't seemed as rushed as the first. Oh I just remembered that aunty ate her caifan in the cinema too xD

Thursday was a long day. For starters it was land. One round on the track, 2 sets of roadrun route, another one round (final 50m last charge). Whenever I run or paddle, I would always tell myself, if you can do 1km, you can do another 1km, and this way, I make myself not give up. But when we were running the first set of roadrun with the juniors, I had to go to the toilet and my motivation was that every step I took I would be closer to the toilet. Then when the juniors finished one set but the seniors continued on, I was thinking about how I wasn't half done yet because the second set was technically more intensive since juniors weren't running together anymore. During the upslope sprint at Sunset Avenue, a dog tried to jump on me and gave me a scare and I jumped to the middle of the road and I think the car missed me by just a little bit (two hard attacks in three seconds).

After land Choowei was like Shiyun you grow up already can run 8km (yes Shiyun is happy because JH1 Shiyun walked the same roadrun xD) then after land was a study session which ended up with me being nervous over the class allocations. It took me so long before I finally asked Megan if I would be happy with it then she was like YES YOU ARE GOING TO BE HAPPY (and I guess I am haha)

I got into 301, with Megan Mizuki THQ Ironman. Majority of the oneders were in 303, 305, 307. And we'll always stay as oneders no matter what. And I will chop of the head of anyone who calls themselves oneders just because they are from 301. They are 301-ers, we are oneders.

I've seen the list of people in my class. It's pretty much dominated by people from 07 and 08, I don't know if I'll like the people well enough, and while I hope we can at least get to know each other (and change our perspectives of each other), but they will never replace the oneders, AT ALL.

It's definitely going to be so competitive in the class, I know I have to work really hard. The environment is obviously not going to be fun like the oneders, but I truly hope it's not like a mugger class, because I'm definitely not one. I have half of the buskers with me, I'm really thankful for that. But because of the lack of oneders (one oneder missing is also considered as a lack of oneders), I don't know how I can be myself around these people. I never have to worry about being judged in front of the oneders, but I can't possibly live through four years of unhappiness. But as always, the oneders will always be there; they will never be too far away :)

Okay back to Thursday. We had SPIRE meeting with Mr Soh, and we finally got out a rough plan for next year, I'm honestly worrying about everything for JH3, whether I'll survive or not... I hope SPIRE won't be too hard, that it won't take up too much time. All I ask for is enough rest, good trainings, coping well (and happy) academically, time with the people I love.

I think I need to brush up on my TK skills, but it's okay I'm still young :) we were guessing each other's secret santas haha and when everyone knew each other's, I was still lost except for who I was giving to. And it took a long time for me to understand it too hahaha ;P

Let's jump to water training. K2 with Celeste again :D 6km, a couple of technique drills which were quite fun when Celeste paddled me, then 45min of free training! And it was really free training, so I went for a swim with Aunty and Yingrui then the monster duo paddled off in the K2 so I had to sadly paddle back in a K1.

I like free training :D

And about the juniors. I honestly hope that one day (I wish it will be soon) they will understand the team dynamics, that we want the best for them. I do care about them, I don't want to scold them, but I want them to learn. I have yet to have a single water/land training without someone cancelling attendance/being late/not turning up. I don't know if the message gets across well enough, but I wish it would. After the long message sent down last night, I have two people who didn't go for water. I'm disappointed, in them and in myself, but what can I do? I can't bring myself to scold them, in fear that they will see it negatively and just leave. But I can't keep telling them, it's okay, when it isn't okay to be late. I know they are physically strong, it'll be good for my B Div 2015, but what I want for now is for them to be disciplined, hardworking and passionate. And happy.

So many things happened, but it's still a nice week.

Canoeing camp next week! I hope I won't die or anything I heard we are running every day.

"all our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them." -Walt Disney

(And when the words left your mouth)
It won't leave my heart, until the day we prove you wrong.

The atmosphere just changed the moment he asked, "Where's your fight?"

It was a normal debrief. And the icy feeling creeps up your skin so suddenly, the back of your hairs stand up so abruptly, and you look down at your knees as you feel your heart sinking.

Disappointment. Despair. And for a moment, confusion.

Have we not fought?

There's a difference between "lost" and "lacking".

And honestly, I thought it was better.

I never knew how things were really like till not long ago, but things seemed to look better, and brighter, than before.

Then the question came. 

Is it me?

It was a quiet time in the toilet.

In a way, the tension was thick. 

I didn't know what to do, or what to say.

When I saw their faces in the light, the guilt just pours in.

They told me not to worry.

But I can't help it but to do so.
And it's my responsibility.
There's a lot on their plate too, I know they are stressed, they just don't want to show it to me.
But I can see it. We are a team, we get through it together.
I just want them to be happy, I believe that's the most important thing.

With time, everything's going to be alright.

We will fight together.

We aren't just having a dream.

We are going to work hard, we're going to give our all.

And it will come true.

Because we are doing this for each other.

We have our fair share of good days and bad days.

What that matters is how we get through it.

And that we know we are not alone in it.

Maybe I have no say in this.

But.

I believe we never lost the fire.

I believe we never lost the fight.

I believe we never lost the desire.

I believe we never lost the team spirit.

I believe we never stopped the dream from happening.

Maybe it's not shown to everyone.

But it's there. And we know it.

Like what Yingrui said, it never left.

"It didn't leave, hasn't left, and never will."

I'll never doubt this statement.

We are strong.

We'll trust each other.

We can do this.

We will do this.

People we never thought we would come to love

I love my oneders so damn much, but it's time for these special people who mean a lot to me too. (I will have another deep post for my oneders soon, so don't fret my dears (: )

Jiawen -
 Thank you for being there all these while, for bearing with all my rants, it really means a lot darl ;) you are a really precious friend, one whose so alike to me, like a lost twin sister. So many times we had ran to each other, cried with each other, and all the talks over a lot of food meant so much to me. I know we've been drifting, but believe me, everything that happened between us was meant to be, and I really hope we can find the time this holidays to talk once more. I know you're afraid, I'm afraid too, but you know that we met each other for a reason. You say that you don't know how to cope alone, but truth is, you're never alone. It's hard to show it, but every single training I go for, I'll think of you, and don't say that you 'left', because deep down, you never did to me. I promise that you won't lose me, because I can't bear to lose you either. We need each other, I know that, and where ever you go, I won't be far. I promise that you won't lose me to anything, or anyone. I am happy, you have to know that you are part of this happiness. Please take care of yourself too, I don't want to see you being hurt, not at all. We're never too far apart. I love you so much dear, and I'll always keep the promise of being your pillar of strength. 

Rebecca -
Even if we've known each other for around three months or so, I'm really glad we got so close, I'll never forget all those deep talks we had in the middle of the night in boarding :) Thank you for sharing so much to me, for showing me a different perspective I'll always remember. Thank you for the advice you gave, when I was troubled, and all those times you made bad things seem good in the light. You are one of the strongest person I've met, your story is so different from the rest, thank you for sharing it with me. I hope that I've made you happier, made you get over it, and always remember that I've got your back! I know it's hard, but there are always people out there who care, you must know that :) we can't please everyone in this world, so just let those people lead their shallow lives, and put them at the back of your head. Marilyn Monroe once said, "I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
I love you Bobo <3 (btw I named my water bottle after you!)

The B Girls aka the The 8 Princesses -
Honestly, I never thought that I would be writing this now, but this month changed a lot of things. First thing they did for me was to let me know that everything's gonna be alright, and that really makes a difference. Because my mind was so conflicted, but when they stepped in, it just changed. They took me along, something I'll always be grateful for, and the most important thing is that they are very genuine people; they're willing to listen to you anywhere, anytime. I used to be terrified of them; I saw them as a bunch of monsters who scared the hell out of me, but right now, when many things change, your perspective of people change a lot too. They are really amazing people, they fight for each other, they love others who they are; it's not what you find everyday, let alone a whole group of them. They are a family.

Those times before and after training, lunch times, playing jenga, sleeping in the weights room, doing ergo, or just having fun; all those little things add up to who we are now. Yingrui and Celeste are really good listeners, and the advice they give mean a lot. Thank you for today's HTHT :) it showed me a lot. Choowei and Risa are a couple, they show their affection very openly, they are very fun people to be with (I haven't forgotten being wrapped in masking tape and turning into ironman and the Big Chest Program) ;P Ruiting has a lot to talk about, especially when she sits beside my Patrick :) her views are unique, it opens up your mind. Baohui and Christine are really happy people, they smile so much, and they're really easy to talk to, something I appreciate very much. Every single one of them made a huge difference in this short period of time, I never thought it was going to happen. And the fact that you know they are always behind you, and they keep telling me that I'm not going to be alone with the juniors. It's very heartwarming to hear them say that, to know that you are being cared for.

They are really special, very dear to me, they've met  my bobo, leaned against my William, farted on my Daniels and slept on my Danielles. And of course, unknowingly, touched my Patrick. I just love them lah <3

We have never lost the fight.

On a side note, go read The Underneath, it's a very beautiful and poetic book :)

if we chose to turn back the time, will we be happier than we are now?

They say to live life with no regrets, because everything happens for a reason. So many decisions we've made, the different outcomes from each road we took, it made us who we are today.

If you chose to turn back time, to change your past, wouldn't it mean that you don't trust your own instinct? You walked that path for a reason, whatever you were going through at that point of time, you trusted that it was the best choice you could make.

Happiness; it comes from the simplest of things. And if you had reverted one decision, just one, it could have changed your life. You wouldn't have met your best friend, you wouldn't have all those happy memories. But you chose to change it because of one argument. You chose to give up on that friendship.

Maybe, in the past, you chose to do something. And you eventually gave up on it, despite putting all your best efforts in it, just for that period of time. Then you returned to the past, and decided never to take it up in the first place. And it never crossed your mind that when all those didn't happen, it was replaced with hours of free time which was useless, all those lessons you could have learnt never existed, and you would be just an ordinary person, wasting your life away. Even if you felt it wasn't your cup of tea, everything you do comes with experience, some pain, the slight twinge of regret, but there's always something you learnt, that made you who you are.

You say that all it brought you was pain, or sorrow. But that pain made you stronger, made you resilient. It could have taught you to embrace the ones you love. Even if you were cheated, you know that you are true to others, and that's what that matters; that's remembered of you, eventually.

You were given this life because you were strong enough to live it. And when you live it, it's not just for yourself. It's for the people around you. Because without them, you wouldn't have all those memories you cherish so much; that you hold dear to your heart.

And when you chose another life, they had to choose one without you. Maybe you don't see it, because you are too caught up with wallowing in self-pity, but there are people out there who love you, who watch out for you, only in silence. They were your pillar of strength, but you never noticed them. They drifted in and out, with a hug and a comforting word or two, and you never looked twice at them. But they stayed with you all along. And you want to throw them away because of your own selfish desires for your so-called happiness when happiness doesn't depend on what you choose, but it's the people who loved you all along, never minding that you treated them just like the whisper of a passing wind. And maybe you made them happy. And when you're gone finding your happiness, you just threw them away, like the litter along the streets beneath your feet.

If you're searching for happiness, look for yourself first. You are lost in your own world, which isn't as sad as you think it is.

There are many things I honestly wished never happened. But if it would just become one big mess if I'd chose to change everything.

Because when something is meant to be, it will be.

If I had chose to stay in RV, I would never meet the oneders, meet those special friends like Jiawen and Rebecca, be part of the big canoeing family.

They are all amazing people, very precious to me, I'll never want to lose any of them, because they mean so much to me now; I can't imagine living without all of them. They are all part of my happiness, it's more than what I can ask for, I'm really blessed to have all of them in my life.

So to end off.

I'm happy with what I have now.

I may want more once in a while, but I don't need it.

Because I've always had what I needed.

You are part of my happiness.

And I hope I've been part of yours.

When I promise that I'll have your back, I would never turn back on it.

Even if I don't show it, I do care.

Just in another way.

我喜欢现在的生活。

Looking through the juniors' lineup everyday, am I supposed to be happy for them or cry over self-pity that I got into a tiger during NCC period?

For crying out loud, it's still November, they are in freaking JH1. And they are in K1 Tigers.

Every single training, the teachers say that you juniors are very talented, a lot of potential, way better than last year's batch, which is mine. Thanks, that boosted my confidence so much. Then I watch as the juniors beam and all and I'm like please stop that and start working hard, honestly.

We were terrified of the seniors, and so were all the older batches. Except that the terrifying part didn't have the same impact for our batch. Then comes those born in 2000 who try to act swag on their boat and still scream when they capsize and start shrieking "OMG MY WATER BOTTLE MISSING EWW I'M SOAKED". And you nearly sank the JK2. Twice. And we had to freaking hold the boat up for you because you were too busy looking for your bottles and worrying about your clothes. IF YOU ARE AFRAID OF GETTING WET YOU SHOULDN'T BE HERE.

13 girls. None of them are afraid of us. Maybe because we were too friendly, that they don't give us the due respect. I know some of them are really fit, they can run well, but some of their attitudes are horrible.

Even in whatsapp messages, can you not be so rude? Your tone basically accuses us, blaming us. At least be politer, thanks.

Many people are really excited over this bunch as there are so many of them, but honestly, the attitude and mentality has a long way to go.

When you paddle, at least don't stop paddling halfway just because you think no one's looking at you. Apparently I was. At least jog and not whine. You are already in the team.

The junior boys are a good bunch. Their attitudes are a lot better than that of the girls. So much better. I can see that they work hard, that they make it a point to ask for punishment when they do something wrong, unlike the girls who stroll in late like a boss, thinking it's alright when it isn't.

I'm waiting for the girls to make up for their pushups. Apparently none of them tried to set a date yet.

The teachers are starting to choose their exco. I don't know who should be captain of the girls. If they are going to determine it based on how fast they are, it will be Berenice or Anya. Huiyun has a good attitude, she honestly wants to train, she will make a good captain/vicecap/recruitment I/C. Berenice is quieter, Anya improves fast but I can't judge from here.

Tomi's most probably going to be a QM. She's really quiet, but willing to learn. She has a good attitude, she just needs more confidence, as long as you bring her out of her shell, she can do well, I believe.

That's pretty much what I've seen from the kids.

Never mind, put them in tigers. They will stay there for a long time. Tiger without seat and tiger with seat is very different. I could go out into the lanes when I got into the Tiger without seat for the first time as well.

Capsizing will make some less cocky too.

Sorry for the ranting, I honestly lost my touch on writing on what I enjoy. This rant just built up from months ago. Every praise for undeserving souls, that's all.

Sorry, but that's what I feel.

Prove me wrong then.

thank you for your strength.

The past three days have been extremely fulfilling. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday. Not just physically, but mentally, and better friendships were built as well, and there are so many people I would like to thank.

On Sunday, I went with mommy to the Great Eastern Women's Run 2013, at MBS area. Being the one who doesn't like too much stress, the 5km fun race was the best option. We reached there late and I had to pee and change, so we were quite far from the start line, but I still enjoyed that feeling of racing very much.

I still remember that at the halfway mark, I was so shocked to see so many people ahead of me, so I chionged like mad but there were still plenty of people who were ahead of me from the start to the end. I timed myself the entire time, clocked 26:00 for 5km, which was quite surprising actually, because it's about 5min plus per kilometre, but the last time I ran sets of 1km, my timing was like 5-6min per km, so this run showed a huge improvement, which I'm proud of as well. I'm glad that all the running, weights and water trainings really made me push, especially for the last charge during the run. It was quite funny actually, because I sprinted at many points, thinking that the finishing line was ahead. But when I saw the actual finishing line, I just flew towards it. (Ego boosting time: The emcee said, "Look at that young girl, sprinting across the finishing line!") XP It's not often when you get such compliments, and it made my day hahahah. (Anyways the pictures of the GEWR are out, my face looked insane and mommy uploaded it to FB so the world could see it please don't laugh xiexie)

That was Sunday. I had a lovely coffee bean brunch after the run, and food never tasted so good before XD then I went to ahma's house and knocked off on the couch for at least two hours. Thank you to mommy, daddy and sis for cheering me on for the run, telling me to take care and jiayou! And to all the road marshalls, all the encouragement really helped! Every time they shouted "All the way" and "Come on", it felt like the team shouting during weights, running and water, and the result is always the same. You want to fight with them, you draw strength for them, you are a team. :)

Monday was land tutorial + water. Tutorial started at 9:30, and we were pretty much done with everything by 11+. I'm glad that the B girls got closer together when we chat and all, especially after joining Yingrui and Baohui during lunch. We played the traffic road game on the overhead bridge, and the passer-bys were like I'M JUDGING YOU but the JH3s were like LALALA YOUNG AT HEART. They are all really cute actually (I'm cute too :3 ), even those that I used to be terrified of.

And I showcased my eating skills :D I didn't have the heart to admit it that after the two bowls of rice and all the meat+veg+tofu+drinks, my stomach was still growling D: I think there's like some hole in my stomach that opens when I'm VERY VERY HUNGRY because sometimes I can't eat anything but sometimes I just can't be full. Then after another round of getting knocked down by cars by jaywalking on the overhead bridge, we went to the playground near Marymount MRT.

That's when sports tights come in handy. They cover your thighs so you don't get burnt because the sun was SO HOT AND BLAZING AND BURNING plus the fact I wore my orientation tee which was a beautiful shade of BLACK. We climbed on the ropes and played on the dish-like swing and the tiny flying fox. We took a couple of instavideos and some pictures, all of them unglam shots ;P

I swear that when Risa and Celeste was pushing the rope merry go round, they are like powerhouses, cause the thingy was rotating so fast we could only clutch on to the ropes for dear life and keep on screaming (more of baohui heh)

Then either Celeste or Yingrui left me swinging like mad on the dish-swing, they pushed like siao then ran away and left the poor young fabulous one shrieking like a stuck pig. Then my butt was like burning up cause heat travels through the tights after awhile, unfortunately.

After all the playing we remembered there was still training haiz I used up pretty much all my energy being a kid again. Celeste introduced me to the Cloudy Apple Juice thingy it tastes quite good. -still does not like carrot juice- we also got two large bottles of isotonic for training.

Okay finally it's time for water. 10km time trial, out of nowhere. It was freestyle so no one corrected my technique so I just anyhow whack the water, and that was the most painful 10km of my life. I was so tired that I thought I could fall asleep on the boat. I closed my eyes a few times for several seconds, and the next moment I'm about to crash into a buoy. Despite being in a Kape, my timing deproved by 55s. My PB then was 1:13:35, clocked in an AK.

Monday was still a really good day. Choowei and Risa are like a married couple, they stroke each others' hair and whisper sweet nothings and hug all the time it's so adorable I SHIP <3

Today is Tuesday and it was very, very good too. We had land in the morning, and it was full on weights, all stations to be cleared. I finally can drop to 10reps, but its 5 sets of 10 am I supposed to be happy but it's okay I should do more weights and build up the muscle so I can sink the peisheng down.

All the calluses from Monday's water were screaming in pain when I was using all the barbells. Bench pull was so bad, I had to force myself for all 5 sets using 10kg even though I felt like dying. But then last week's bench pull 10kg was still quite fine.. I guess it's yesterday's sad water performance affecting me this morning. But at least I'm not doing the seated bench and shoulder press. But I swear it's so hard, especially bench press. Even though it was 8.75kg per side, I needed either Ruiting/Yingrui or Siongyee/Claire to help push the bar up, or I can't even move. I just let it flop onto my chest because it was so painful that my arms were literally trembling.

Shoulder press was using the 5kg dumbbells. I need to work on my left arm, because I nearly dropped the left dumbbell halfway through the set, 'cause my arm couldn't take it anymore. It's quite sad that I'm only doing a 5kg, but it's more motivation to push during weights. Rollers weren't as bad because I had Yingrui's shoe supporting me, so I didn't have to crash onto the ground. Leg press, surprisingly, was alright. But 200pushups + 100 crunches wasn't the best way to end of weights. Every time we are punished, I keep telling myself that I can't do the same thing anymore, or I will feel guilty my entire life. I focused on the faces of the JH3s in my mind when I did the pushups, because I owe my huge improvement physically and in my attitude to them. Thank you guys, even though I used to blame you all for making me so tired from training and the expectations, it was also all of you who moulded me into who I am. You made me learn how to fight; how to push; how to be part of the family. I really, really appreciate it, thank you :)

It was about one and a half hours of rest after the weights session. I did a bit of my math; majority of my homework was done by the JH3s (guess who wasn't paying attention in class). Then it was time for ergo, except that we didn't start ergo so soon haha. The JH3s taught me how to play stacko/jingga (idk how to spell) and I must admit that I'm horrible at that. Crashed the tower the first two rounds, but Baohui lost two rounds consecutively because Risa helped me 50% of the time after my losing streak thank you for lessening my embarrassment :P

Fifteen minutes of ergo: it was my turn when Choowei came out soaking wet and announcing THIS WAS THE WORST FIFTEEN MINUTES OF MY LIFE and the bad thing was that I just finished dry paddling before ergo. It was quite mundane in a way, but I didn't have to worry about balance or anything so I could twist and kick a lot more than I could in a boat. Overall still quite fine hahas, Celeste was like I will let you know when the ten minute mark reaches then Yingrui and I were like hurry up we are dying from the suspense of not knowing how long more we have to paddle.

After ergo was a failed math homework session for me 'cause I forgot all the stuff about quadratic equations and indices so majority of the work was left blank (it's time to start working hard again and gain back the knowledge). Then Yingrui did some sheep game which I couldn't understand at all then all of them knew the SECRET behind it and they found it amusing to see me amused (LA skills in use here). Pfft bully the youngest one ><

After lunch was more stacko and singing songs. To my surprise Baohui could sing Cody Simpson songs that's good keep up the good work and continue to love my husband XD the stacko crashed onto my face during the final round, sadly. After the song and games party we went to buy bread at coro and I pretty much got killed dozens of times during the traffic game.

AND I AM A GENIUS (needs to have ego boosted) I figured out the sheep game secret after five hours or so of guessing at the toilet at Macritchie. Baohui said I could use the genius thingy to keep myself alive during training.

Speaking of training we did 12KM + surprise. I played Love Somebody in my head the entire twelve kilometres to keep myself going, it helped loads. My 10km timing within 12km was better than Monday's time, so it shows that as long as the mentality is there, you can do it. In fact, that 10km was a PB, I cut down 65seconds of the 10km timing in an AK. On my final lap, the others had started with the surprise, which was a 2km sprint set. When I finished my 12km I turned to start on the 2km when coach stopped me and I felt so relieved that I wasn't going to do 14km straight. Choowei paddled 14km straight, without any rest in between, it must be a hell lot worse for her than the others who had rest. It's really admirable that she would still go on despite being exhausted.

The entire team has been working very, very hard, including the juniors, I'm really proud of all of them. The feeling of racing as a team is so wonderful, so magical. I know I'm going to push hard, to fight with them, and I'm going to be a good senior to the younger ones. The most important thing is that they are happy, that they love the sport, they love the people, and they are willing to commit. It's not easy, but it's gonna be worth it.

To end off this post.
Thank you so much to the team for everything they've done for me, especially the JH3 girls. I apologise if I've ever offended any of you with my words, but I've always appreciated everything you've done for me, especially within these two weeks. Thank you for being such amazing teammates, wonderful seniors, and friends. Every single one of you showed me so many different things, each of you are unique in your own way that I could never imagine.

Thank you all the motivation and fight; being with me during hard times as well. It means so much to me, never forget that. And thank you for listening to my troubles, I take back my words that no one could understand what I felt. And each of you made me feel included, made me understand the feeling of being in a family, just like how the oneders did.

Now I shall go and listen to Hillsong and fulfil my promise to Baohui :)

beautiful days

Can I still do this?

Holidays are starting. For once, I hate holidays. Not because of the homework, but because the oneders won't remain the same again. We are no longer together, twenty two of us separated into the eight three-ohs and one of us going to MGS.

Friday was amazing. Sad, but so beautiful. Love was in the air, literally, through the sound of tears and the feels of the soft hugs, the warmth enveloped around our hearts as we knew that we wouldn't be forgotten.

Chalet can't be put into words. While it wasn't emotional like on Friday, it truly reflected the feeling of the onederland family. Be it roasting satay or otah, fetching people who got lost around the area, meowing to cats who ran away, smelling Fragrance or using Selinda as Richard Dickson II, insulting each others' singing, eating and spilling everything on the beds, playing with sparklers, dancing on the Kinect, or just sitting around doing nothing, it was truly a familiar setting.

Because everyone was happy, like we always are. Because everyone was laughing, like we always do.

We are a family. It's amazing how 23 different people can come together, love each other, and to be so close and comfortable with each individual. Because of the people inside. I believe that God put us together for a reason; which was to find the happiness we never experienced. I've never thanked God enough for these beautiful friendships, or this family.

I never thought so many people could come together and love each other for who they are. The oneders showed me that this wasn't impossible. There are beautiful memories shared with each and every single one of them, they are all so dear to me. If anyone ever hurts one of my oneders, I will come after you. And you can be sure that I'm not the only one.

Like what Praveen always says:

The oneders showed me how to love.

The oneders showed me what true friendships were.

The oneders showed me that they will be my family, forever.

Family isn't whose blood you carry.

Family is who you love and who loves you back.

Even when you've given up yourself, the group of people who never stopped believing in you is your family.

"Although you may be hurt and bleeding now, a better day will come. Hard work will never betray you." -Kang Gary

I have no idea why, maybe it's just part of puberty, but so many thoughts were rushing into my head when I was on the bus back from training. It was just so overwhelming, like you are past your capacity of what you can hold in one moment. Too much to comprehend, too much to remain calm, too much to think straight.

I guess I've been hiding behind that wall for too long.

Whenever anyone asks me "Are you okay?", "How are you?", I'll always say I'm fine. Nothing else.

But every time I say that, deep down, I know it's not fine. It's not okay.

I'm still touched though, but am I still part of you?

You say that we are a team. We fight as a team. But am I really part of that team? I don't know if I can feel it. Maybe it's because of the time.

Sometimes, when I feel so happy with them, that I feel wanted even though I'm the youngest, the next training, walking ice queens are around me. And when I stone and act like I'm just going to train and not talk to anyone else, you ask about me, you do care, the guilt washes in, in torrents.

I love the sport. I love the people. But does it work both ways for you? Everyone's so happy, and I look at myself and say, "I'm alone and I have to be happy too." So I just show that I'm happy.

The JH3 girls are so bonded, they are one group of sisters. There's no need for me to be an extra. I'm glad they took me in, accepted me as a junior they would care about. Sometimes, I feel that they try really hard to be a friend, to understand, but sometimes, it's just nothing.

I appreciate everything the seniors did for me, even though they didn't have to do so. Thank you, it means a lot. Especially to someone who has no one.

They say that I must not keep quiet, not bottle it up. I don't want to keep it in either, but is there someone I can rant to and help me? No.

Because you don't know how I'm feeling.
You never tried being the last one.
You never tried pushing yourself on, physically and mentally, without any motivation besides your own pride, your passion, and love.
You never tried shouldering the burden responsibility of twenty-six kids.
You never tried worrying that others will leave.
You never tried forcing yourself to wake up each morning, knowing that so many others were in bed.
You never tried being on your toes all the time because you didn't want to fail.
You never tried questioning yourself why you were doing it.
You never tried asking who you were doing for.

And there's no answer to any question.

Can anyone understand?

I look at the kids now. I look at myself. I look back at the me when I first started out.

Are they strong enough?

I hope they are. Not strong that they can last. But strong that they know what is right for them.

It's right for me to remain. I have my duty. I have to give back. And I want to do it. It's for the people, for what they have done for me.

Because I keep holding on to the hope that one day, despite so many setbacks, I will show that so many people were wrong about me.

I hold on to the hope that one day they will accept me.

I won't give up so easily.

I wish that I could be happy like what I always talk about.

I tell people to be happy. But am I happy?

Yes. But this is just a guess.

I want to know the real me.

I want to put myself into so many situations and look at how I will adapt.

I want to know that I truly love the sport, that I love the people.

I want to find out if I have it in me, in my blood.

I want to know the something that's inside me which made me keep trying no matter how many times I fell down and everyone said not to get up.

When everyone told me to give up, I wanted to prove them wrong.

Even if I knew I had to suffer somehow.

I hope the sufferance is worth it.

Because of my pride.

When they said group hug, they went into a circle. And they pulled me in. I was so touched. I felt wanted.

Yet barely twenty minutes later, I sat on the bus, looking out of the window, trying so hard not to cry. 

Asking myself what should I do.

And I'll be gone, gone tonight.

The ground between my feet is open wide.

The way I've been holding on too tight.

With nothing in between.

I'm not going.

I'm going to last.

Because that's the me I know, right now.

And I hope that it remained there despite so many people trying so hard to knock it out.

Change my mind. A change of heart. Does it really happen in life?

No matter what happens, I still wanna be me.

They are good kids.

Please don't be hurt.

I don't show it, but I care.

I don't want you to go through what I did.

It's okay if you can't understand.

You are still young, even innocent.

Stay ignorant of the pain.

Tell yourself it doesn't exist.

But when you know the real truth, just know that you are not alone in it.

Not everyone will be there for you.

Not everyone will understand.

But I can.

And I will.

Because you were born to be happy.

And I'm living to make a difference, to make you happy.

Thank you to those who were by my side.

Thank you to those who believed in me.

Thank you for those who kept me going.

And thank you to those who wanted me to quit.

Everyone made me stronger.

I still believe that it exists in me.

I will always believe in myself.

Happiness.

Dreams.

Hopes.

Belief.

It keeps me going every day.

It keeps me alive.

I'm waiting for the day it's unleashed.

And I will show who I am.

To those who doubted me.

I know I work hard.

I know I gave it all.

One day, I want to smile.

A genuine smile that struggled through tears.

The smile that showed our memories.

That made me learn.

And become who I am.

I'm sorry for the rants.

I hope that you don't berate yourself over anything

Because you have been really good to me.

I would never blame anyone.

And all the rants, I don't target anyone.

It's just a platform to vent my frustrations, some of it, please don't take some of it to heart.

I write because I love writing.
And I relax through what I love.
And many times, I do mean what say.
Sometimes, I mean everything I say.

But if you take everything to heart, you are going to hate me.
Because I put things down clearly, weaved in a sense that I'm blaming you.
But I'm not.
I would never hurt someone for the sake of amusement.
I only stand up for what I believe in, to the point when I offend people.
I would never blame, target or hurt you.
You have already done so much for me, so much more than I can ask for.
I would never want to do this to you.
Or to myself.

I would never forgive myself if I hurt someone I love.
Even by accident.
Whatever I said, whatever I did, whatever you felt I showed to you, it doesn't always coincide with what you think it is.
You mean so much to me.

I would never do that to you.
But I want to say sorry for everything I put you through.