"before we met, I was as lost as a person could be and yet you saw something in me that somehow gave me direction again."

So after spire on Wednesday I finally managed to find time with Wang. We're six classes apart = no chance of having any lessons together, I miss her so much.

We used to spend so much time together, always taking K2 together, in class, before and after training, on the bus, or just staring into space.

When it was down to the both of us, all our moments were so precious. She was my pillar of strength (and she still is), she kept me sane, she made me happy. She knew if I was pissed, angry or upset, and rather than leaving me alone, she would come out and dig out everything from me, no matter how frustrated I get. I know 我看错了你 in the past, I'm sorry for hurting you, it was my fault.  I vented my anger on you so many times, but you never left, thank you staying with me the entire time, for being there every time I wanted to give up on something. You taught me to be brave and learn to dream, that I'll never forget. You never left babe, you didn't give up on it. I don't deserve what you've done for me these two years, but you were there for me every single time. It's amazing to have someone whom you trust with your life, and even though we argue and all, you always watched out for me, something which I'll never comprehend. Because when it was my fault, you never once blamed me for it. You understand me so much, you were always there when I just needed someone to cry (bawl) to. It wasn't just canoeing or being K2 partners, it's so much more to that, I don't think anyone else would understand.

Wang talked about how we complained about training but in the end we still dragged each other to it. Those moments were especially special when it was just the two of us, trying to cope with all the stress, trying not to worry about everything else in this world. She told me that towards the end, she was staying on because of me. And I went home to cry because I was so touched.

I remember all our times together. There are so many people out there who say that you have to learn to let everything go, to let it be a memory, and no matter how many times you tell yourself you have to do that, you know you can't.

You remember our dreams? When we said K4, it was spending time together. When we talked about juniors, it was taking care of each other. And when you kept me alive and saved me over and over again, you were for me every single time. You would take the pain and catch me when I fall. Those aren't broken or empty promises. When you promised to watch out for me, you did more than that. Beneath all the words we said are just promises that no matter what comes through between us, no matter how hard and how bad we are broken inside out, we will be there to heal each others' hearts and bring life to each others' souls. You did more than to fulfill it. And no matter how bad things get, I promise that I'm gonna be there with you, it doesn't matter if we win it or not, but I'm not gonna let go after you saved me so many times.

There are so many beautiful reasons to be happy, but yes, this world is screwed up.

If I had a choice, I wouldn't ask you back, but I will only ask for myself to be more understanding, to be a better and more unselfish friend. And that we'll always be there for each other.

Many things change but there are things that will always stay the same.

1. Our memories.

2. What you did for me.

I cling on to them desperately too.

No babe you never changed to me.

Around new people, around people we don't know and we don't trust, we are different.

When we spoke it was just like the old times.

You know, carefree.

Then when you leave, it's like a nightmare all over again.

And I just realised that when people spend so much time with someone else, we start noticing all their flaws and judging them on it.

But when they are no longer around, when we don't see them as much, we start missing them and we learn to embrace their flaws and love them for who they are inside, because it's really very beautiful.

Many times it's too late. No time, no courage.

I really miss you.

I just want to be able to sit down and tell you how was my day.

And I can hug you and we eat lunch together and talk about how screwed up things can be.

You understand me so much, sometimes even better than how I see it.

You taught me to stand up for what I believed in, you changed so much in me.

It's amazing.

Loving someone and knowing that you will always be loved back.

Walking in the dark knowing someone's watching you back.

Jumping from a height, all trembly and weak, but knowing someone's holding your hand.

Fighting alongside someone you love.

Thanks for taking care of me, Wang.

Love you ;-)

children of the ocean.

I still remember how I got married to Cody.

It was on the cruise, when 'All Day' started playing on the screen, then Abby and Debbie went wild at the blond guy on the screen. I thought he was cute, and the twins were fangirling over him. They started talking about the then fourteen year old Australian teen, who was a pop/country/R&B singer, then I went home to listen to his music.

And this is me now. Mrs. Simpson.

I still miss his old hair

The way he licks his lips drives every girl wild okay. 

My husband is like the epitome of perfectness.

 

 

Blonde + Brunette

He's a merman I swear.

He's gorgeous from his hair to his bod to his butt.

His transformation basically.

My baby.

The Simpson siblings.

He sings.

He surfs.

He dives.

He dances.

He's a family man.

He loves animals.

He writes songs about the sea.

He's pretty much the perfect man for me.

This guy is pretty perfect too.

Mr. Tomlinson is second to Mr. Simpson.

I don't mind having two husbands you know.

Yeah Codes me too <3

two sets of footprints in the sand.

Is there going to be day in your life, where you find yourself huddled up in a corner of a dark room?

The windows shut; curtains drawn. You hear the howling of the wind, the cracking of lightning.

It's storming. It's cold. You don't have a blanket to keep you warm.

Is it possible?

In a perfect world, you will do what you love.
With the accepting people, they work around you.
But you are alone.

Because.
When you are going to give up, when you know you can't take it anymore, they will come in.
They won't switch on the light or start a fire.
They won't let you see who they are.
But they will sit by you and hug you and keep you warm.
Until you are strong enough to stand up and open the windows.
And even when it's storming outside, even when you run out into the rain and cry and cry,
They will run with you and wait for you to cry your heart out.
They won't bring you a towel and dry your hair, nor put an umbrella over your head to block the rain.
They won't get wads of tissue to wipe your tears, or make you stop the waterworks.
But they will give you hugs because they will keep you warm inside.
The words will come out because they are from the heart.
They will wipe your face with their thumbs when you are finally calm because touches can do wonders.
They won't use other means besides themselves, and just themselves.

Those are true friends.
There are so many people who say that they will be here for you.
And when the time comes, who will keep their promise?
Who will stay true to what they said?

Those who stay won't tell you everything's gonna be alright.
Those who stay will tell you they don't know what's gonna happen.
Those who stay will stick with you even as you are pelted with bullets.

When you are wounded, they will stop the bleeding with their bare hands.
When you are targeted, they will protect you solely with their body.
And as you struggle to take those last breaths, they will fight with you.

They are not on the sidelines.
They are on the field.
Guarding you.
Watching you.

They are not prevention.
They are not cures.
But they will take away your pain.
They will make you happier.
They will make you stronger.
With just their love, and your trust.

The true savior isn't the one who fixed the problem.

It's the one who took away the troubles.

Because you can only fix your problems when you have no troubles in the way.

And when they fought alongside with you, you learnt to fix it yourself.

In the imperfect world;

In a horrid situation;

You find out whose gonna keep those promises.

It won't be a lot.

In fact, most will just hide away.

But those few are enough.

And I'm pretty blessed to have more than just a few.

answers.

The first week of school was miserable. Especially the first day.

I just kept asking myself if I made the right choice to take up AH, to be in 301.

The people around me make up the environment. And the atmosphere is so tensed, it's like everyone's gonna judge you for what you do; what you say, even if you don't mean a single thing. I hate that, so much. I hate pretending that everything's going to be fine when it isn't. I hate being in class, thinking about four years of hell. I hate it that I don't try to get to know others.

Almost fifteen years into this life, it's became an instinct to act upon judging. Christine was saying, “有时候就把别人的话当放屁。” I really don't want to judge my own classmates, but when I do, I just put my walls up, conversing only when necessary, and just feeling worse as the time passes.

After the first day, I went home in a horrible mood. My parents were saying that I had to learn to work with people of different kinds, be it who they are inside, because in the end, they are still somebody's son or daughter. They are still human. They have feelings, just like you do.

And I was just spending my Monday night waiting for Tuesday land to vent all my frustrations at weights. I was looking forward to training so much, because it was the only time I would destress, that I would forget all my troubles. I didn't need to pretend to be happy or free of troubles. I could be myself, I didn't need to worry at all.

It was a good thing that I was away on Wednesday, helping out at Cafe Trials. Missing an entire day of lessons, and being a lot happier than before. I was just looking at the JH1s, and I saw Charles too. He's a good kid, very true to people. There's that sense of protectiveness over my own juniors too. No matter what they do or how frustrated I get, even though I complain so much, I still care about them. I want them to be happy, no matter what. Everything else can wait.

Wednesday didn't end on a high though. Came back to NJ for one hour of CCE. Just going back to class for two periods and it was so bad. The class comm is fine. It's just everyone as a whole. It's very selfish and judgmental of me to be like this, but I just can't help it. One hour of class just killed all the happiness from the morning and previous evening. I went home and it was thankfully alone, and I just cried my eyes out in my bed. Twice. Because one howling and cursing session isn't enough to make up for what happened over three days. My "throwing socks" destressing method would never help because my mood was just so bad. I was losing my temper so much the past week, I'm sorry for snapping at so many people. Then after all the waterworks and many trips to the toilet and tissue box, I ate one whole pot of rice because I was starving and tired from everything. Crying takes up a lot of energy, I just figured that out. Then after coming back from theory, I was just eating bread and chocolate to try and forget everything. Comfort food.

Then I returned to school on Thursday and Friday, which was relatively better because of water and land training. And that we were training for SCM, I could just focus on it, and ignore all the drama in class.

And it brings me back to my oneders. I just miss them so much. Seeing them along the corridors can't make up for it. It's different, not having lunch with them. It's different, not having lessons with them. It's so damn different, when they are just not there. Their presence itself means so much. And their absence just hurts so bad.

I don't think I'm the only one who had a bad week. Some of the oneders did too. No matter what happens, even scattered among five classes, we are still a family. We will still watch out for each other, take care of each other, just like how we did for two years. We don't have to see each other every day, but we still understand how life's like. It's not fair, but it's there for a reason. So that others are given more chances. So that we will learn not to take things for granted. Sometimes, the smallest things take up the most space in your heart. Whenever I see any of them, it just makes me so happy to see them smiling. The short exchange of words just perks you up. At least you know they are safe and happy. That's what that matters.

Onederland will go on forever. 301 will never be like that, I'm positive. There won't be such a bond. One, because I'm not willing to let that happen. Two, it's not going to happen anyway. (I'm a negative person here, I'm sorry.)

Then Saturday and Sunday. SCM preparations and the race itself :) it makes me so much happier to talk about paddling and the girls ;)

Punggol is a nice place, the water isn't too hard, the scenery is beautiful too, and there are only three rounds needed to cover 16km, better than the eight rounds around Macritchie :P All the motivation (especially from Risa) just made me push on. During the first 4km, I already felt like dying out, and we were chasing a CGS K2 until the first portage, where we cut them (we cut every boat at portage technically). It gave me more motivation to paddle even harder, because one obstacle was down. When it started drizzling, Risa was like "Showers of blessings" and I was trying so hard not to laugh and continue to steer the boat into the right direction. She was telling me how strong we were, how fresh we were, that it was just one set, I wouldn't have made it through without Risa. She's an amazing K2 partner, honestly. I love you my dick schwein :* and Celeste too she's also my K2 partner <3 the two powerhouses ich bin honoured XD

It was a bad week but a really amazing ending to it :) it's the people we love who matter the most, who makes the most difference, every word means so much, thank you for everything :) ich liebe euch <3

And anyway during PE today the fantastic four did 20 crunches together, it was pretty nostalgic... Wang should have been there too, then we will be almost complete hmmm...

and so you start of the new year with waterworks.

The new year resolution was to mend our family's relationship.

And when I stupidly brought up the topic of dropping German, all hell broke loose.

And I simply hate it when you use canoeing against me.

"You are quitting this because of your cca."
"You are living in Singapore, German will pull your results up, canoeing won't help."
"You are throwing away 2 years of effort without even considering your own future."
"We are your parents, we help you by making you choose the right decision so you can succeed in the future."
"In the end, studies come first. No matter how much and how well you paddle, no one's going to care."
"Why can't you just train lesser? It's affecting your life, I only see you coming home late, not studying hard, and your attitude gets worse."
"You say you are doing this for your seniors and your Nationals and for your K4, so you give up this for stupid reasons."
"Before long, you will end up struggling even though you quit third language. I guarantee that you will always regret this decision."
"You are not talented at all, and when you finally realise that you can't win any medals, it's too late, you have nothing."
"You don't even perform in your studies, how can you perform in your cca?"
"I don't see why you can't go on half training days. Train less even better."
"You are no better than those who quit. Maybe even worse, because they made the right choice."
"Passion is nothing. You can't use passion as an excuse to ruin your own future."

The talk lasted for an hour.
And when all the questions can barreling in, I tried to defend myself but failed miserably.
You just get more emotional and nothing comes out right.
You have everything phrased, but all the mixed feelings make you feel like shit.
Those words literally stab your heart.
For crying out loud (literally), it's the first day of the year.

I was going to say that if I had told them I was quitting canoeing, they would have gladly agreed, because they never even supported it (they say that they do but if you do, you wouldn't keep complaining and nagging after each training I come home from.).
The words came out choked and the next moment I just burst.

I'm sorry that I'm a quitter.
I'm sorry that I'm not a scholar.
I'm sorry I live in a society where everyone looks at your results to judge you for who you are.
I'm sorry that I've just ruined my future.
(That's what you want me to say, isn't it?)

I'm not sorry for this decision.
If I had a choice, if I had more time (which no one in this world will ever have), I would have continued on.
But I don't.
And sometimes, you have to make choices.
Between canoeing, music, German and studies, it has to be German.
Society says to choose canoeing.
If I didn't live in such a society, I'll give up my studies.
I've played the piano for 11 years. I'm not going to throw it away like this.
Paddling is what I love, and I'm doing it for the people.
I don't want to give up German, but it's for the best.

I know I'm not talented, but I know I work hard.
You don't see results but I see so many changes.
I'm happier. More friendships. Passion. Fight.

I just feel it's unreasonable for you to use my cca against me.
It's not just something you can give up, it's part of my life.

If you blow up because of a small matter, are you going to throw me out the house when I tell you what I want to do?
When I tell you I'm not going to become a lawyer or doctor or businesswoman and 赚大钱.

It's hard to throw away 2 years of hard work.
But I know I won't regret this decision.



One of the most amazing songs.
It kept me alive today I guess.