My Road Family

Second Family. Non-blood family. Road Family.

Most of them are of my age. And of course, they are my lovely mushroomies, one-derful one-derous one-ders! HAHA trying to make special emphasis on my dearest 01 darlings. OK... too much LA now, but never mind! Time to praise everyone now! :D

The 01-ers are one of the best classes you'll find, because everyone truly cares for each other. We may gossip and all, but deep down, I really love all of them. Sometimes, they are just so hyper while I'm emo-ing, so I'll get even pissed-er, but it's alright, I still love you guys <3 just your class chair pmsing because all of you so naughty arh!

I talk nonsense with everyone, but personal stuff wise, only a few people. Megan, Wang Wei, Xuan Rong and Xinyi. I may not show it to the class, not even my closest buds, but yes, Xinyi and I are close. In Boarding, we were always together, but since most of the people lived on the other floors, you might not notice. But I really love her <3 because she was there for me every time. I love you auntie <3

I talk some personal stuff to a certain extent with the others. But the abovementioned... I talked to them about it most.

Then, the older ones. All my mommies, daddies, aunties, uncles, ahmas and everyone else. The seniors. More of the canoeing seniors. The team gave me a sense of security, and in a way, they gave something I wished my family would give me. A listening ear.

Like for council. Talking to my friends in 01 was different. Even towards Wang Wei, we couldn't talk much about it. But talking to the teachers, to the seniors, to Jiawen and Tammy was different. Advice by the older ones, I guess :) Sometimes, I prefer to get advice from the older people. They don't have to be my parents, because it's just so awkward at home now. I'm always the first to leave home and last to return. I keep on having rows, fights, arguments with everyone else at home. So canoeing kept my mind off a lot of things. I felt better being at macritchie, around the people I can trust, the people who are willing to listen and give their advice freely, without judging.

I was actually, well, really surprised when Tammy smsed me. I didn't expect Ms Tan to actually tell her about it. But I'm glad she did, so Tammy started the conversation, rather than I did, because it would seem weird in a way. But the point is that, I really appreciate what both of them did for me. Thanks for listening, thank you for all the advice <3

I love my road family <3

You don't own me

I may be your daughter, and you're my parents, but that doesn't mean you can control all my decisions.

Who was it in the first place who said that Council was my decision, not yours? It was you. So, I applied for it. That was my decision.

Now, I'm withdrawing my application. I want to withdraw so that I can concentrate on just studies and canoeing. And all the sh*t in life. Then, here you are, saying that I'm not allowed to do so.

This is my decision. I chose to apply. I chose to withdraw. You even said so at the start. So why are you going against your own words?

Yes, you say it's for my own good. I'm taking a huge risk in life - having no backing in terms of portfolio. Please, am I that shallow to you? Do you think I really treasure portfolio and stuff like that right now? I've changed, and I believe it's for the better. I have other priorities in life now. Not like how I was last time. People change. So why can't you accept mine?

Yes, in WGPS, I was class monitor for three years and a prefect for another three years. Not to mention Assistant Head Prefect. That was last time. I wanted my name on the hall of fame in school. I wanted a beautiful record. And blinded by that, I turned out to be a b*tch in school. I never realised that.

I want to change. I am changing. I know I'm not Captain or Vice-Captain of Canoeing. I'm a QM. But that doesn't mean I suck or anything else. I still have plenty of chances in life. Maybe my portfolio may not be as pretty as you want it to be, but do I really care? NO. I just want to live life to the fullest, and that is certainly not by having plenty of records.

BECAUSE, IN THE END, NO ONE WILL REMEMBER YOUR PERSONAL ACHIEVEMENTS.

Yes, my chances of getting a scholarship will be lesser of that of Wang Wei's since she's the Vice-Captain. Wang Wei is higher in rank than me. And you don't want that to happen.

HELLO? I'm alright with that. I don't need to be the top. You are the one who wants me to be at the top. Why? Because you weren't. I'm sorry that you were unable to do so, but that doesn't mean I shall realise your dream on behalf of you.

I don't need to be in the best universities or jobs. That's never the most important. It's the journey in life. But to you, life is just about working, earning money, rising in financial status, making sure people view you as the "high class" quality. Isn't that materialistic? Is that your aim in life? Oh yes, and you want to have a money-filled retirement.

Did I say I'm not going to give you money? I will, don't worry. But not till the extent that you're going to the casinos everyday. I will give you enough for your lives to be happy. To me, it may seem happy. To people with your thinking, maybe not.

So, your point is that you want me in Council so that in the end, you can lead a money-filled life. I don't want to be in Council anymore. I want to focus on canoeing. I want to get the title next year. Or this year, even. But you want me in Council. You say that I should try. But do you know that I have to stay like that till the end of JH4? Do you know how hectic life will be? I have enough on my hands now, I don't need an additional responsibility. In this case, BURDEN.

Ultimately, it's my decision. I want to withdraw. I don't want to be in Council. You are the one who wants me in Council. So, you won't let me leave. I can still lead a good life without being in JrC, you know. Not the best, but I'm happy. Too, being in Council doesn't mean I will have a good life.

I really want the B Div Title next year. Really. It will help, to me. But not to you. You don't own me. I make my decision right here, right now.

It's my choice.
Accept the fact that your daughter is old enough to make some decisions herself.
Accept the fact that you have to learn to listen to her heart.
Accept that you are not always in the right.
Accept the fact that you need to learn to admit to your mistakes, even to a child.
Accept that your daughter's wishes.

I wish to give my all in Canoeing. It can still build my portfolio, just not the same way you want it to be like. I'm still a leader. But not in your eyes.

But never mind.

Once a Canoeist, Always a Canoeist.

I shall go where my heart desires. Because that's the best for me. Truly, it's the best.

I believe. In myself. Even if you don't believe in me.

It's  your  my life. Not  mine  yours.

When you bring something forward and go larger in life, you leave something behind

I'm sorry that I couldn't spend that much time with you. I want to feel sorry. I think you want me to feel sorry too. But I just can't. I can't bring myself to apologise. I mean, am I in the wrong here? Maybe you think I am. Maybe I am. But I just can't think of it that way. I'm really sorry.

I'm giving my all for my nationals now. I disappear in the morning to train or at least be with the team for bonding and motivation stuff, and I disappear in the afternoon for water training. At night, I'm doing my own sh*t, like mugging and stuff like that. In school, I just do my stuff at my table which is far from yours. Even when we sit together and go for lunch, we hardly talk anymore. It's her now.

I'm not angry. I understand that I haven't been spending time. I just feel that I'm shoved aside by you. I don't blame you, but still, I can't help but feel the slight... pain? I have the others backing me up, but knowing that you've sort of done this doesn't exactly help sometimes.

I'm trying to move forward, and I'm sorry that I sort of left you behind. You may have involuntarily chosen to release your already weakening grip on me as she pulls you away. You don't need to choose me, one can wish...

I'm not blaming anyone here. Just mentioning. And venting. I hate hurting others, because I know the feeling of being like this, but I don't want to bottle everything up. It seems like for the sake of myself, I let it all out and tear and rip the hearts of others. But I have to. I really don't mean it. In war, there's one winner. Two casualties. It's selfish, but I need to. So that I won't burst.

I'm just like a tree who tries it's best to absorb all the storms and not fall. But does anyone really know how many cracks I have on me? I don't show it, but it's beneath everything. I bottle everything up, that's why. Because once I let it all out, everyone will judge. Including myself. And that's the end. People say, "I don't judge", but it's in the human nature that we do. So I'm sorry that I'm weak. I'm sorry that I'll topple over anytime. But I'm giving my all to stay upright.

Time will close the gaps. I don't have the time now. I need the sunshine. But I can't grasp on to it. I can only reach till that far now. Unless it comes. Or I'll just be in the storms.

My motto in life :)

All you need in life are PILLOWS LAUGHTER LOVE SUNSHINE.

Live each day like there's no tomorrow, with no regrets, and believe that everything, be it good or bad, happens with a reason. 

Learn to fall and you'll fly through the storms.

It's not a shame to be the weaker one, but it's a shame if you don't give your all.

Learn to listen, learn to speak your mind. 

Listen not just with your ears, but with your heart, and to their hearts. 

Be it young or old, there's always something you can learn from them. 

Don't let children lose their innocence at such a young age, but instead, listen and appreciate their youthful beauty and joy. When you wish they are back to how it used to be, it's too late. 

It's OK to get stuck in the wrong train, but learn how to return. 

No story is perfect, but all stories are beautiful and unique in their own way.

Be happy and appreciate each day, every person, and everything in life.

Keep the love. End the Neglect.

Smile. Hug. Love.

Peace :)

Which is better - Speed or Balance?

The NJCC results are out. Our JK2's timing for heats and semis are 3:01:86 and 3:01:40 respectively. Jiawen's and Nabilah's K2 Tiger's timing for heats and semis are 2:55:74 and 2:58:82. The JK2 is the heavier craft, so our timing wasn't as good as their timing in the K2 Tiger. After all, we're in the training craft and they are in a racing boat. If Wang Wei and I take the K2 Tiger and go up against both of them, I think we might be able to win both of them. Co-ordination-wise, I guess we're sort of better than them because we train together more often. But if four of us paddle individually, the fastest will be Jiawen, then Nabilah, then Wang Wei, and finally, me. But if we pair up, Wang Wei and I might have an edge.

But during today's training, everyone was barking at us to punch straight, punch higher, twist more, straighten the rowing arm, and PADDLE TOGETHER. It's just a bad training day. We are still unstable in the K2 Tiger so balance-wise, both of us will lose to them. If we're in separate K1 Tigers, all of our balance should be quite alright. But together, I can't seem to balance the boat with Wang Wei. It was just really shaky today. Then, we capsized 4 time today and that really sucked. Once, at the pontoon, once after we emptied the boat, and twice because of backwash during the sets. Jiawen's balance is really good - she didn't capsize in the K1. Even with Mizuki, we capsized 4 times. Mizuki is new to it, but Wang Wei and I have the experience, so why were we like this?

With Miz, I took the back, but with Wang Wei, I took the front. I want to try taking the back, and maybe our balance will be better. I just don't dare to suggest that to Wang Wei because time will be wasted and if it's worse with me behind, we're seriously dead. NSCC is in 3 weeks, and I want to get the best out of us, but if we try to do something new, we're in hot soup. Decisions, decisions, decisions,

So, speed or balance? Learn to balance, then sprint. Or learn to sprint, then capsize. Or take a fat boat and sprint and not capsize.

Training was just this bad. Macritchie, I shall see you on Monday.

The Worst Feeling Ever

I know I didn't give my best for JK1 heats and semis. Yeah, I did so much better during training. But seriously, I sucked during the race. I couldn't even sprint. I just couldn't find the energy to put in the effort during the strokes. Technically, I was paddling. Not sprinting. It sucked. Seriously.

After watching my own video, I felt that I've let down everyone. It was simply terrible. Why?! Why did I not sprint? What the hell was going on during my solo race?

As I looked at the video once more, I feel even more ashamed of myself. Guys, sorry for letting all of you down. I promise to give my all for the other competitions, for training, for whatever I do in life. Not like how I did in NJCC. I'm really, really sorry.

This is seriously the. Worst. Feeling. Ever.

I'm sorry. I'm ashamed.

NJCC - Macritchie Reservoir

Today's a day I'll remember for a lifetime to come. My first canoeing competition. NJCC. The memories are unforgettable, be it before, during, or after the race. Mostly, it's after the race. The emotions, the words of encouragement and all. I've really seen the bonded side of our team. We are a family. They truly care about us. No doubt about that.

I was in for two events - 500m JK1 and 500m JK2 with Wang Wei. My first race was the individual one, and it was the fourth race of the day. I was really nervous, especially after seeing Sarah capsize at the start line. Everything went fine, but I came in last. I already expected that, so not so much emotions, I guess.

My goal was give it all for the JK2 event. Wang Wei and I have been training for this for two months, and it really means a lot to us, even if it's just the heats. If we lose, the pain and disappointment will be halved, but if we win, the victorious feeling will be doubled. But we had trouble adjusting our seats at the pontoon and Brendon got the commentators to delay our event by five minutes. We reached there dead on time, though we had to adjust our boat's positioning because the Lane 2 craft was blocking our way. We had a poor start due to direction, but after that, the boat went pretty straight, but we came in last, again. Plus, I wasn't sure if we were in the correct lane, because so many boats cut through our lane.

It was really emotional afterwards. We had to swap the craft with Ohana and Elly immediately afterwards, and once we passed our paddles to the seniors, the waterworks started. Wang Wei started first, then after a minute or so, it was me. I cried over the loss, disappointment, and the fact that I didn't know if we were disqualified or not.

Ying Rui, thank you for all the hugs and encouragement, I know you tried to comfort us at the pontoon when we were crying. And Ronnie, thank you for being there all the while, trying to calm us down. And to the rest of the seniors, thank you for all the words of encouragement that we did well. Thank you for the pats on the backs from you guys. Choo Wei, Celeste, Tammy, I know you guys kept patting our backs without much words, trying to comfort us, so thank you. Even through all the emotions, I noticed it. Celine, Junxiang, Samuel, Reuven, thank you the words of encouragement too. Reuven, I really love your optimism. The thumbs-up to us really helped. Junxiang, Celine, thank you for being there all the time. Thank you for talking to us, comforting us and everything. Really appreciate it. Adrienne, I know you were super shocked when you saw Wang Wei crying, and that you were even more surprised, when I broke down right in front of you. Thank you for the encouragement too. Nanfeng, thank you for the encouragement too. And Grace, same too. You may not know us, you treated us just like we were family.

After the race, Ms Ng talked to us about it, calming us down. Wang Wei quietened down first, but I was still sniffling. Then, when it was time for Wang Wei to launch, I was alone there, so I decided to go to the toilet to calm myself down. Then Jiawen and Nabilah arrived. One look at my puffy eyes and they knew something was wrong, and of course, they asked. I just couldn't answer them. I just took Jiawen's hand and dragged her along before I found my voice. I only managed to get a few words out before I started crying again. I think she got the gist of it, then she started rubbing my back, which really helped. On the way, I passed by Jamie, who smiled but gave me space, though she mouthed to Jiawen "What's wrong". At least I think she mouthed that. Then Madeline came along. She saw the tear streaks, of course, but she just smiled and went on, giving me the space. Thanks Jamie, thanks Madeline. In the toilet, I just mopped myself up and headed back to do my homework.

I couldn't concentrate though, 'cause I was still in that "might-cry" mode. At least, I was alone to control the emotions. Then Madeline came over to give me a pep talk that really worked. She told me about how Wang Wei and I did well, to ask me about how I felt about our performance, what went wrong, and about her own experience when she was my age. I felt emotional again, so I didn't exactly looked at her into the eyes, because I know there were already tears brimming at the sides. But it really helped. The words of encouragement and hugs from her really made me understand how it's like to be so bonded, just like a family. Thank you, Mad. You're really the mother of the team.

Rui Ting told me about her experiences too, and that made me feel much better too. Thanks Rui Ting. Wang Wei and I trained around the bay, and afterwards, we felt much better. During lunch came the shock of our lives.

I wanted to know if we were disqualified, so Rui Ting checked the results on her phone. We weren't. Instead, two other schools were out. So, we're in for semis. Due to sheer luck. And I was in for the JK1 event too. Three others were disqualified. So, the waterworks were sort of for nothing. But I really loved the feeling of family, well, love.

So, I qualified for semis for all my events, even though I came in last. Luck. Pure luck that the others broke the NJCC rule. Either DNS or DNF. But still, in the semis, I got last and we're out. No waterworks this time, as we already accepted our fate. Maybe a bit after the JK2 event, but there was more of spitting and swearing rather than crying. Most of it came from me.

Jiawen was really good. She was so close to getting into the finals. She cried afterwards, and it's really understandable. Nabilah was the one she needed most, because they are K2 partners. Just like how I need Wang Wei. She's my anchor. Even as we cried, we were as one, hugging and crying as one.

So, what I want to say is this:
All of us did well. Even though we didn't win, but as long as we did our best, it's alright. We can cry, but as long as we pick ourselves up, and get back onto our boat and go all the way, then it's fine. I'm really proud of all of us, from the JH2s to the seniors. Thank you for all the love. All of the seniors are just like mummies and daddies to us when our parents are not around. Thank you guys. Really, I love you all.

We still have NSCC. Three weeks to push hard and go all the way.

Every Drop of Blood, Heart and Soul, Go the Distance. Proud to be <3

Track Meet 2013

This year's track meet was better than last year, I guess? At the start I was seriously bored to tears, but only after that did I let my crazy side come out. Be it with the JH2s or the canoeists ;D

Solaris won this year, instead of Ignis, but somehow, I just don't feel happy or anything. Really. My house isn't bonded at all, I see most of the JH2 Solarians as strangers. I've hardly spoken to them. Even after a whole year, and 8 weeks of boarding, it's nothing. But for canoeing, after two months, we're like a lot better together, even to the SH2s.

Good fun with the oh-one-ers today. We just screamed for everyone, chit-chat, took photos and stuff. And drank loads of Pocari Sweat :D And good fun with the canoeists too, especially Yingrui ahahahahah. Tease her about *cough cough* and talk about random stuff :) Then after Track Meet, we were doing failed dance moves for summer nights and down. I can hardly remember the summer nights dance, but I can do most of down. Hahas it was Choowei who taught me how to dance it during Orientation. Nice memories from JH1.

Then, tug of war was pretty good too. I didn't cheer much for Solaris though, but instead for Lignum, because of the canoeing seniors :DD For Lignum, Rachel-Ann, Madeline and Michael were there XD and for Terra, Renhui was there. So I rooted for both. But when the time came for both face-off, I was on Lignum's side (Sorry RH!). Cos there were more seniors and they were better ;p But Solaris still won anyway.

Good time today, though the C Div Girls Team Lunch was a pretty failed attempt. Yeah, six of us were there, but we need to be more bonded. I'm not perfect, and I may not be as good, but I don't give in to the fatigue or anything. I just wish some of their attitudes will change and they learn to stop slacking sometimes. I know it's sort of wrong to scold my teammates, but sometimes, I have to. Gentle reminders I guess. I try to focus too, though I admit Clarissa was right to scold Wang Wei and I cause we weren't focused at all. Thanks for scolding us (I know it's weird) Clarissa, it really made us wake up throughout the training.

So yeah, presenting to you *TRACK MEET 2013* -APPLAUSE PLEASE-

Hospice Care + Message to All

I'm not sure why I keep thinking about this, but this is just what I want to do in the future. Maybe it's because I've experienced the grief when someone left me forever, and that there's someone alive whom I love who may leave me anytime.

No, she isn't having a terminal illness. My grandma has stroke. For almost twenty years. She can't speak, eat, move or do anything on her own. She needs round-the-clock care. Since I was born, she was just like that, in a wheelchair, unable to communicate. She can't even sit up properly, so she's strapped to her wheelchair or sofa 24/7. Or she sleeps.

I see my grandma every week, and what can I do? It feels weird to talk to her, since she can't reply me. If it's awkward for me, it's a lot more worse for her. Imagine your own grandchildren watching you being carried everywhere. Her maid changes her in front of us because there's no more embarrassment. We've been seeing this for years. Much as stroke is not terminal, you would want to die if you have it. Imagine being in such a state for twenty years. I may lose my grandma anytime. I thought she would be the first to leave us, but instead, it was her husband, my grandpa. That's how life is so unpredictable. We never know when we'll leave the world. It's just borrowed time.

And yes, back to hospice care. Just in case you don't know what hospice means, it's like a home for the dying. I know, working in such a place may bring negative thoughts, and a lot of grief, because you face death, but that's the only way I can stay strong.

Instead of an office job from 9 to 5, why not do something much more productive in life? This isn't a job. This is what I want to do for others. What's the meaning of living when you can't even make a difference in someone's life? Even if someone's dying, I can still make a difference by spending the last days caring for him, talking to him, giving him all the love and support he needs so much.

It's not just for the dying. It's for the families too. They have to come to terms with it, and I have to  be the one talking to them. The one comforting them, letting them know how to cope, and how to move on from grief.

And my message:
In life, there are things we have to let go someday. Life happens when we're busy planning other things. Every night, we go to bed not knowing if we'll wake up ever again. So, cherish each day like it's your last, be it a good or bad one, because there's really no point dwelling over history; over what has happened. Appreciate what you already have, which is the present, not history nor future. Live life not for studies, love, or CCAs, but instead, for happiness. Only with happiness then we'll able to do anything else. Only if we're happy can we enjoy our CCAs, learn to love and all. It may not be true to you, but that's my philosophy. The only way to learn to cherish is to listen to what they say, with not just our ears, but with our hearts. And to their hearts.

Don't be afraid of death. Don't be afraid to think about it. There's no need to focus on it negatively. Think about the memories left behind. The stories written, the legacies made. When we die, we leave a story behind which everyone remembers. Not our personal achievements. Focus on the beautiful years, not the painful times. The ones you want you remember.

We're still writing our stories each day. No story is perfect, no story is a fairytale, but we can have a beautiful side to it. We don't think about the approaching storm, but instead, the dandelion which brought life to all after destruction. It's alright to take the wrong train. We'll just have to find our way home, and the journey back will be the most memorable one.

There are no "best" stories. Every story is beautiful in it's own way. My story is still developing, with cracks from the occasional storms, but the sunshine has made my story glow, covering up the cracks.

Last, but not least, learn to fall. Don't be afraid to fall; there's always someone there to catch you. We can fly through the storms, but only if you let yourself fall.

Don't fear. There's always someone there when you least expect Him. God :)

Magical World, Magical Cast

I've just had the sudden urge to talk about Harry Potter... and books in general...

Movies are nice to watch, but don't you think books are so much better? While the movies are graphic and all, and have sound effects, but when you read, the image is more vivid, clearer, and much much more wonderful.

Wonders of a book... They transport you to another world that you never knew that existed, they teach you life lessons on family, love, friends and death. They introduce you to the different creatures in this world which you've never known, be it good or bad, clever or simple, human or animal. 

Harry Potter--->

J.K. Rowling is a really wonderful writer. Her imagination is out of the world, and she transported me to the beautiful castle of Hogwarts, the noisy, cluttered streets of Diagon Alley, the deep, painful memories of Harry, Snape and Riddle, and the homey house of the Burrow.

Seven books. It's perfect. Simply wonderful for all ages. While people think it's ridiculous to have such a magical world, but isn't that what reading is suppose to be like? Something unreal? 

Riddle may be evil, but he wouldn't have been if not for how he was treated as a child. He was an orphan, viewed as a freak in the muggle world. You see, there are people like that who exist too. I don't hate Riddle. It's not his fault.

Snape is my favourite character in the series. Much as he is harsh and all, he is a loyal man who loved Lily till the very end. He hated James, and Harry too, but he protected him with his life. And he loved Lily. That's what matters most.

This story touches on so many things in life - hate, love, family, friendships, evil, and death. You can scream, smile or cry anytime. It's simply beautiful.

And the movie. It's not as good as the books, of course, but it's still good. Because of the cast. Ten years of acting together. It's simply remarkable. It's magical. Twilight and Hunger Games will never equal to this. Ask Robert Pattinson. He's been in the Harry Potter cast and he knows how it's like. He knows it. Imagine acting with someone since you were a child till you were an adult. The friendships fostered, the bonds created. It's unthinkable.

That's the reason why I love books. And not movies. Except for HP.