HIRAETH

HIRAETH – (n.) a homesickness for a home you can’t return to, or that never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past.

"It's nice to see someone open up to you but you know sometimes you hope to see them grow too." 

It's our final year, we have been together long enough to be snappy and unkind and willing to hurt each other with dagger-like words. A few people keep you grounded - and they may not be those who were meant to be here. Those who were supposed to stay... are also busy growing up and finding themselves. They try to be the person they think they want to be, and that's alright. 

Different priorities and different beliefs - why do those things cast out the wonderful idea of friendship? Why is a relationship characterized by the level of tension, and not the joy it brings? Why do some have more obligations than others?

Take Myers-Briggs and love languages out of the equation, and let us experience raw love. 

Everything is disappointing and toxic.

You have forgotten, or perhaps, never knew, that there is a world of flawed humans out there, clinging on to little bits of happiness to get by. You do get to choose who you fight with and who you battle against. Go ahead and fly solo. 

schlafen?

Always came back here for happier times.

We have grown up so much, having gone through the seasons of change. People come and go, but I like to think that they will return. In a matter of weeks, months, or years. But what matters is that, they come back.

Looking back, I kind of miss the idealistic kid. It came from the heart of someone who had yet to even catch a glimpse of what life has to offer. I don't think I'll ever be able to go back to being that happy, or carefree.

It's a pragmatic world out there. One can either choose to adjust to the circumstances, or just do as they please. The consequences can only be blamed on their choice, not the people around them.

I have stopped socializing beyond what is necessary. I don't know if it's a lack of energy or the superficial topics that are brought up all the time, that caused such a change. The things that happened this year probably made a couple of us grow up. I feel like a middle-aged woman trapped in the body of a 17-year-old with three commitments.

We have 24 hours in a day, but we use it differently. I said that countless times this year. All of us spend x number of hours on lessons each week. Assuming we spend y number of hours on meals and showers, it leaves everyone with the same amount of time to do other shit. And so, while many human beings are procrastinating, I paddle. The time you spend on socializing and icing your portfolio is used by me to do some real shit. In sum, no sleep.

 I'm exhausted beyond measure. I never slept in an important class (i.e. not the H1s) throughout the first semester. Yet I am knocking out as C&C goes on about detente and market structure. I honestly love what I'm learning. Especially those by Miss I-Can-Out-Stare-A-Cat.

So far, I've broached the topic of religion to three people. They happen to be at the very top of my priority list. The responses were fascinating and I'm excited to read up.

And of course, the love of my life and the bane of my existence - the water body. It's alright for now, I hope, considering that we have a long set tomorrow. I've yet to tape up those flappers.

That concludes the first 6 and a half months of this peculiar (and shitty) year. Here is a list of songs I've been listening to, on repeat.

- Sovereign Light Cafe (most of the 2015 team would have been obsessed with this for a short while)
- Iris
- You Found Me
- Ugly Love
- Bobby Andonov songs

To all kids who aren't in tertiary education yet, take my advice and burn your notes. You will only get one chance as a child, before life screws you over, so take this time to read widely and love deeply. Build up a wealth of knowledge in the things you're interested in, not for the sake of GP, but because it's your cup of tea. Play hard. Just play.

26.01.16

I felt very still and very empty, the way an eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo. 

"I have some sad news."

Is there a sadder sound than sniffles, as an adult tries his best to explain to 80 kids that one of them is gone, forever?

"Do not blame yourself."

How not to, when Monday ended just like that? How not to, when we were talking about you on Tuesday? How not to, when we were throwing around words so casually, when you were already gone from this world?

"Don't speculate."

What's the use?

"This is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation."

I don't need you to tell me that. A young man is gone. What else can I feel besides numbness?

"Rate how you feel on a scale of ten, 10 being awful and 0 being you feel empty."

Can we truly put a number to how we feel of our teammate ceasing to exist? This is the kind of heartache you can feel in your bones.

"Speak your mind. Share with us. Respect his memory."

70 kids sitting in a circle. I was the third. I was so prepared. I was going to share that I saw his parents on Friday, sitting at the table in front of me, at mushroom cafe. I wanted to tell his parents and his sister that I was so, so, so sorry. No parent should ever have to bury their child.

Thought I could keep the stone face and monotone for twenty minutes more. Turns out I couldn't even get a word out.

"Let me share with you about the different triggers of pain. It can be an anniversary, or a place he frequented, a song he liked. It can be anything."

October, as we celebrate Blim's birthday, we will think of Brendon.

We will return to macritchie on Monday. Too soon. Will we break at the sight of his yellow lifejack? Who will adore the black nelo? What is going to happen?

And when we gym, who is going to plug in the laptop and blast those lyric-less, heavy metal, crazy-ass music? We have no one else to scold for those horrible, cannot-sing-along songs.

But if you ever come back, we won't ever make a sound.

In one moment, you see the strongest people you've ever known crumble.

The first day consisted of tissues, hugs and yogurt.

The first night was hell. Crying is physically and mentally exhausting. Your heart has never been heavier. All you want is to go under the covers, but when you do, you just toss and turn. For a whole hour, you're just willing for the mind to shut down, hoping for the peace sleep may bring. Which it didn't. Even in your dreams, in that misty subconscious mind, he was already gone.

Friday was orientation. All I wanted was to be with the team, not with a bunch of strangers looking for a good time. I wasn't in the mood to remember twenty names for whacko and bang. Thanks Mr Teo, for allowing us to leave early. And thank you Jonathan, for being so sensitive about it. Their actions touched my heart.

We stayed at the wake for several hours. Ate and drank a bit, talked to his dad and uncle, remembered some more things about Brendon, and wrote him letters. I watched everyone who came in to pay their respects, but nothing was harder than looking at the A Boys standing in a line, staring at the coffin of the boy who was once full of life.

Painful as it sounds, it took the passing of one of us to bring this team together. But from that very moment, we knew that we would stay together. Like Nanfeng says, it won't be easy but we will get through this, as long as we do it together. I would never have made it through the past three days without them. The pain is always there, sometimes dull, and when you think it's getting better, it becomes excruciating. But the girls were the antidote. They kept it at bay, but the moment they're gone, your thoughts are suddenly so loud.

In a matter of days, we aged years.

One word kept popping out the past couple of days. Closure.

Have we found it?

There were barely any tears at Mandai. Had I found closure, when we left the casket on Friday? Had I spilled my guts to the point that it has sunk in? Was I all cried out?

I don't know. I truly don't.

"My mind actively avoids it."

"I can't feel anything."

"I don't want to speak to anyone outside of this circle, because they don't understand."

"One moment I think I've accepted it. The next moment, I just can't believe it."

"It hasn't really sunk in yet."

"The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to."

To the Chin family, I cannot imagine the pain that you are experiencing. I pray that you will heal and that the pain will fade with time. You will never be alone and you will always remember the incredible young man you have as a son.

Brendon, wherever you are, I know you are watching over the team and I pray that you are happy and at peace. We will never be the same again but we will be there for each other, every step of the way. You will always be one of us and we will remember you forever. We love you and we will go the distance for you. That's a promise.

Godspeed, Brendon.

hrumph.

I've always felt more at home typing here, instead on WordPress, which I have made private because I don't need acquaintances and strangers to believe that was me, because it isn't. Everything on WordPress was just a girl pretending that she could write when she didn't have the slightest flair for writing (or anything actually).

Every time I felt a need to say something, to share something with the world, shun_da_vinci was the place. Now, no. Must we really give updates on our lives to others, even to close friends? Must we share every memory, every opinion, every little piece of hate, with others? It's so ironic how I'm sharing my opinions here on my blog, even though only a tiny handful will remember the url. My PA has turned into a spam, but in no way will I block others off because all it does is to make them question our relationship. Block me off, it's okay. If you don't trust me with your deepest, darkest secrets, no problem, because in life, there are probably about five people you would trust with them, and the probability of me being one of a five is extremely low. But it's not what I would do. A friendship is a friendship. I will always stand for honesty and kindness. No one has to get hurt. And no matter how angry I am, I'll try my very best not rant to someone I care about. All that brings is grief. And no, I'm not going to rant to a stranger. I'll find a healthier alternative, such as reasoning with myself after I've calmed down, going for a walk alone and thinking it through.

Hate it so much when there are so many "I"s. So self-centered. It's also shows poor writing skills.

Let's break down the priorities.

People - namely, my family, team, oneders, 401, bobo.

Everything's pretty relaxed. I've been a terrible daughter though. I wonder what our future will be, and no matter how difficult life may be, I'll support them all the way (spiritually and financially). JW and Megs say that I can't pay for them my whole life. If it's the easy way out for them, why not? I owe my family more than the world, the least I can do is make sure they have a good life.

Canoeists. I love them very much, but things are pretty stagnant, to be very honest. We need change, but I'm not going to push for it, at least not yet. And I don't want to make anyone upset or ruin plans, really. A silent observer isn't too bad. After all, my sole purpose for A Div 16 is to make sure the SH1s have a great journey towards their final nats. No matter what the cost is for the six of us. It's the least we can give to you all. And of course, watching out for my girls. They are my world.

Oneders. The warmest family ever. I owe so much of my happiness to all of you. Your love is beyond words.

401. You deserve my sincerest apologies for my inactivity. Thank you teaching me the most valuable of lessons. I may not feel the same way as most of you do about our class as whole, but as individuals, I loved your company. I appreciate your lovely hearts and witty minds. I always will.

Bobo. The sole person who doesn't fall under the four categories, but you are so important to me. Thank you for staying with me through the good times and the bad, thank you for teaching me to be myself. Thank you for being one of the most beautiful humans I've encountered in my 16 years, I'll always be grateful for your love and hugs and words. Thank you for your strength. I love you so much.

Commitments - studies, canoeing, life

Studies. Getting better just by a lil bit. I hope I make it. And I hope I have the courage to ask my family, is it okay to fail? Is it okay to start over? As long as you say yes, I think I will.

Canoeing. My main source of grief, angst, unhappiness. But the few things that make me truly happy and worth it. Two ends of the spectrum huh. My passion for the sport has diminished, but the love for my people is still sky high. I enjoy running to an extent, nuh-uh to weights, a lil bit of love for pullups. Canoeing is okay, I guess. Life would be a hell lot different without this sport. It's super important to me, no matter how much I complain and cry over it. Things can get horribly unreasonable (more often than usual this year) but I guess it's part of the package. As they always say, it's still worth it.

Life. You are my sunshine and I'm the unpredictable storm. Thank you for your love, always. Things are okay. I haven't figured out what I want but it's okay. It will always be okay.

come back to me.

No I'm still on WordPress.

It's just that all the memories of the two beautiful years I had in NJ were written here.

I just read Siyang's blog. Everything's coming back, and like what Hweezy wrote, 1st November is coming up so soon.

How the heck did one year pass so fast?

I don't think a lot of people will see this, and if you ever do, I assume you are a oneder. After all, 'human moments' were witnessed by my oneders.

I remember table one with Joel, Xinyi and Mizuki.

I remember Mizuki having black carrot cake on an orange plate from The Big Wok on the first day of school. I called her Jonina back then. I asked for a short form, she said Nina. It's mizuki now.

It's three years now.

Gosh no. Why is time passing so freaking fast? Why is it that one year is passed, and I feel like I have done no shit?

I remember that my first table before assigning seats was with Hweezy, Jo and Jia.

I remember my first time having lunch with the oneders at the canteen extension, when Moni was talking a lot.

I was thinking back then, how is an introvert going to fit in? I hate NJ, I hate my class.

They proved me wrong. They proved every freaking thing I thought about them wrong. They showed me how to love, through their own actions, not words like so many other people.

I remember meeting Xinyi and Wang for the first time, when Wang pounced on me outside the library, asking how the Chinese paper was. I freaked out.

I remember having a hell lot of crushes in JH1.

I remember running after Praveen to get my phone after my love confession.

They read everything by the way. But they are family after all. :)

I remember sitting with Jinwen, Megan and Ek Hoe. One of the best tables, ever.

I remember mistaking demon for rongxuan, and xuanru.

I remember meeting demon for the first time at the oasis, where she asked me about my family.

My favourite people in the world, it's been three years. Thank you for loving me so much, so unconditionally. Oh, I may not show that I remember these things, but gosh, I don't forget all these little things.

I remember making demon angry, when I sat with Wang and Siyang. We swapped all the pens in her pencil case.

We apologized after that haha.

I remember sitting with Siyang and Chonghui - The Three Musketeers.

I sang with Chonghui all the time. Thanks for making 2013 so fun girl <3

I wonder if anyone will see this. If you do, I want to tell you one thing.

You are worth it, you are so loved, don't you dare forget that.

I remember FBT, bitch******.

I remember Mamy Poko Pants and Chikaladingdong.

I remember sharing with each other in that circle and we ended up crying.

I remember that during the Captain's Ball game, we were so emotional because we didn't know who was supposed to win.

I remember Netball in JH1 when I cried after the game.

Yes, the ball whacked my chin. But that was only a minor reason. I couldn't take loss at that time.

Confession time now.

Thank you, my beautiful people, for teaching me that winning isn't everything.

I remember Angie Chen trying to steal my campbell soup after my accident in JH1.

Actually not just angie. Most people, honestly.

I remember Xinyi having the honour of taking my first photo on my S2.

I have all your selfies by the way. They are very precious to me. I bluetoothed all of them to my s3.

I remember GAP, when Hweezy Jo Lua Kush performed here comes the sun and let it be.

I remember wang jia moni angie performing to SNSD.

I remember my busker's performance, when I crossed-dressed in a swimsuit to earn my A+.

I remember chonghui gwen rx hy performing MJ.

I remember the guys doing NSYNC.

I remember all of us struggling to remember the songs we were gonna be tested on. That educated my music taste.

Mizuki and Wang sang 21 guns during guitar lessons.

There was schokoriegel - me, meg and aden.

Then hweezy, kush, demon did Taylor Swift teardrops on my guitar.

I remember songwriting.

"even if you tear your wedding dress."

I remember watching all of you fall asleep in class. Even demon.

I remember the times we broke down.

I remember the bawling on 1st november last year. It broke my heart.

I remember the little speeches. Best Song Ever. We got stuck on Louis' line.

Freaking painful.

I remember Aristal, when we rooted for our beautiful dancers.

I remember boarding, trying to eat dinner together as a class.

I remember Mr Lee's CCE lessons.

I remember chan shi yun.

I remember all of us practicing our speeches except for demon.

And yes she wowed us.

Twice.

One, alone. Two, merchant of venice.

I remember all of us failing our compre.

I remember the physics stuff when my group made good predictions. (proud physics kid haha)

I remember myself being sucky at frisbee.

I remember Ian breaking the plate in IS practical.

I remember chromatography but not understanding what the hell it was about.

I remember when hweezy got stitches and all of us panicked.

I remember bobby.

I remember krispy kreme donuts on 1st november and island creamery once in a while.

I remember how our looks changed, depending on the botanic garden pictures.

Yes, wang had very nice spectacles.

I remember the class tracking blaire's progress from innocence to ahem ahem.

I remember richard dickson.

And wrecking ball.

I need to spit all this out now, can't stop this, or I can't sleep tonight for shit.

I remember art lessons with Ms Amy, clio ding and Ms Yeh.

I remember how bad I was.

I remember being insulted all of you lovely people.

Well, my voice has improved.

And I still want to go on billboard.

I remember pissing Mr Chew and Mr Chua off.

I remember how we struggled with fallacies.

I remember how we started to curse more often, especially in JH2.

Even more now.

I remember insulting all of your ECs. You can insult mine too.

My taste really isn't very good.

But THQ's taste is good.

I remember all the times Megan baked for us.

I remember demon stealing food from everyone.

I remember megan turning from saliva conscious to another demon.

I remember blaire remaining saliva conscious.

I remember how the ducks kind of attacked us at botans.

I remember how we were caught for poker cards.

I remember Sharon's friends.

I remember our CIP.

HO HO HO.

I remember praveen writing essays in our books.

I remember malaysia trip, when we were separated.

Stupid planners.

Sorry for insulting.

But nonetheless, it was fun.

I remember being unable to eat the spicy food.

I remember having to pee oh-so often, with wang.

I remember all of you.

I remember how all of you saw me in my vulnerable moments.

I remember that you are the best listeners, best advisors and the best people to exhibit what love means.

I remember your faces.

I remember your voices.

I remember the way you walk, the way you laugh.

I remember all of your hairstyles and shoes.

I remember your handwriting. I would recognize it anywhere.

I remember all your insecurities, just like how you know mine.

I remember how it does not matter at all.

I remember everything you taught me.

I remember onederland.

Hello hello :-)

I've temporarily migrated to WordPress because of the nice templates but it's so hard to update there >.<

Probably returning to blogger after a trial period of a month (or less)

Go and visit :)

grumpybreadcrumbs.wordpress.com

By the way I just realised you can't view my posts unless you go to an error page by adding random stuff behind the url, then you can choose to view my extremely short post because I ran out of ideas to blog about.

Toodles ;-)

The first couple of weeks have been pretty uneventful, just the usual classes and the lack of training, but boarding makes things slightly better :)

SO...

I think our selfie skills damn good 

This is Megan's response to me telling her how amazing Xinyi and I were 

I'm glad to have been able to catch up with my favorite people in the world, over dinner or grocery shopping trips or midnight pantry talks :")

My lovelies

My watermelon gals who are flattening their chests

Midnight memories

Asia's next top model for washing machines ;-)

I used an old fifty-cent coin to save money and the machine decided to stop working until I gave more money.

So thankful for this girl in my life

My resident crooner, philosopher and yoga master - all at once.

Aristal was last Friday and I found it absolutely, incredibly beautiful.

Went with Meg, Praveen and Siyang, we got quite a good view of the stage :D

(forgive the quality, all of us are actually very attractive and photogenic)

Special mention to this gal - I'm so blessed to have you in my life, I have no idea how I would have survived the past years without you. Thank you for dealing with my nonsense and endless streams of complaints and narcissistic comments, most people would have gone wild from trying to keep me quiet for a few moments. Thank you for loving me for me, I'm eternally grateful to you Megan Quek, and I will love you even if your eyebrows fail to become as thick as mine. 

1/3 of the oneders, we are so proud of you girls!! The stars of the show :-)

NJNB JHIC - your title damn atas sweetie. I am so proud of you, such an all rounder :') Who knew lending a pen in LT1 would eventually blossom into such a fantastic relationship?'

Almost half of the AH kids :))

My lovely THQ loves with no bounds, something I aspire to have so much. I promise I'm gonna stick around and annoy you for a very long time, so please get ready ;P

And to Emma, I'm so glad we got close this year :") WD's item was fantastic!! Thank you for holding my hand during the bad times and for your unwavering support, love you bby girl <3

We just started talking one day, she's fun-loving and a great bud to be with

Never forgetting my girl. She reads me so well, I'm so lucky to have her in my life. We're at different ends of the corridor, but I'm glad we're still so close, love you babe :*

No doubt my favourite JH1 group + bby girl Wang

This post is all over the place, I'll edit it another day sighs.