hrumph.

I've always felt more at home typing here, instead on WordPress, which I have made private because I don't need acquaintances and strangers to believe that was me, because it isn't. Everything on WordPress was just a girl pretending that she could write when she didn't have the slightest flair for writing (or anything actually).

Every time I felt a need to say something, to share something with the world, shun_da_vinci was the place. Now, no. Must we really give updates on our lives to others, even to close friends? Must we share every memory, every opinion, every little piece of hate, with others? It's so ironic how I'm sharing my opinions here on my blog, even though only a tiny handful will remember the url. My PA has turned into a spam, but in no way will I block others off because all it does is to make them question our relationship. Block me off, it's okay. If you don't trust me with your deepest, darkest secrets, no problem, because in life, there are probably about five people you would trust with them, and the probability of me being one of a five is extremely low. But it's not what I would do. A friendship is a friendship. I will always stand for honesty and kindness. No one has to get hurt. And no matter how angry I am, I'll try my very best not rant to someone I care about. All that brings is grief. And no, I'm not going to rant to a stranger. I'll find a healthier alternative, such as reasoning with myself after I've calmed down, going for a walk alone and thinking it through.

Hate it so much when there are so many "I"s. So self-centered. It's also shows poor writing skills.

Let's break down the priorities.

People - namely, my family, team, oneders, 401, bobo.

Everything's pretty relaxed. I've been a terrible daughter though. I wonder what our future will be, and no matter how difficult life may be, I'll support them all the way (spiritually and financially). JW and Megs say that I can't pay for them my whole life. If it's the easy way out for them, why not? I owe my family more than the world, the least I can do is make sure they have a good life.

Canoeists. I love them very much, but things are pretty stagnant, to be very honest. We need change, but I'm not going to push for it, at least not yet. And I don't want to make anyone upset or ruin plans, really. A silent observer isn't too bad. After all, my sole purpose for A Div 16 is to make sure the SH1s have a great journey towards their final nats. No matter what the cost is for the six of us. It's the least we can give to you all. And of course, watching out for my girls. They are my world.

Oneders. The warmest family ever. I owe so much of my happiness to all of you. Your love is beyond words.

401. You deserve my sincerest apologies for my inactivity. Thank you teaching me the most valuable of lessons. I may not feel the same way as most of you do about our class as whole, but as individuals, I loved your company. I appreciate your lovely hearts and witty minds. I always will.

Bobo. The sole person who doesn't fall under the four categories, but you are so important to me. Thank you for staying with me through the good times and the bad, thank you for teaching me to be myself. Thank you for being one of the most beautiful humans I've encountered in my 16 years, I'll always be grateful for your love and hugs and words. Thank you for your strength. I love you so much.

Commitments - studies, canoeing, life

Studies. Getting better just by a lil bit. I hope I make it. And I hope I have the courage to ask my family, is it okay to fail? Is it okay to start over? As long as you say yes, I think I will.

Canoeing. My main source of grief, angst, unhappiness. But the few things that make me truly happy and worth it. Two ends of the spectrum huh. My passion for the sport has diminished, but the love for my people is still sky high. I enjoy running to an extent, nuh-uh to weights, a lil bit of love for pullups. Canoeing is okay, I guess. Life would be a hell lot different without this sport. It's super important to me, no matter how much I complain and cry over it. Things can get horribly unreasonable (more often than usual this year) but I guess it's part of the package. As they always say, it's still worth it.

Life. You are my sunshine and I'm the unpredictable storm. Thank you for your love, always. Things are okay. I haven't figured out what I want but it's okay. It will always be okay.