Having an older sister is like having someone you can have wild moments to deep talks with, who watched you grow from a hamburger-shaped baby to the teen you are today, who know all your dirty secrets, bad habits, your pressure points and emotional weaknesses, yet she makes me strong and taught me through her own experiences that trusting someone is hard but when you finally pass that stage, it's an incredible feeling.
You had all the first times - first to go to Woodgrove, to find out who the teachers were and told me about it, taught me how to sing the school song when I was in Kindergarten. Letting me meet my future teachers during your PTMs, trying out the canteen food 3 years before me, finding out all the arrival and dismissal timings so that I wouldn't be late for anything. Even back in PCF, you got to try the toilets first (which had no locks). You wanted to learn piano and you started at Yamaha before having the fierce Mdm Tan at Ossia, then as the annoying younger sister I was (and still am), I copied you and was lucky enough to have a sweet, patient lady as my first teacher.
I realised all our parallels in life. You watched Miss Tan come out of school to teach music, starting to date and finally got married, has a son of her own and is now taking care of her kids. I had Miss Han, after her battle with cancer she taught me at P2, and I secretly listened to her band's music and watched her get engaged to Khai (and looked at their pictures on her phone), then she was pregnant with her daughter when I was in P6. We had teachers who watched us grow up as we watched them develop as people in society as well.
Then when you entered FCS, you were the first among all the kids to go to secondary school, and I didn't understand all the quarrels you had with mum. I didn't understand back then that adjusting to a new school, to new people, was so hard, especially when you were the first.
Right now, as I type this, I'm listening to you talking to the mio lady about the internet connection at home, because I chickened out at the last moment to talk to some stranger on the line. What am I gonna do without you, when you grow up and start dating, while I'm still struggling to complete my studies? No one to crawl into my bed at night to talk about everything under the sky before going on vacation, no one to buy bubble tea or fries as a treat when I come home early. No one to bake me cakes and cookies and cook my lunch and dinner during the holidays. No one to ask me about my school and training life without nagging. No one to scream with me when we see cockroaches and lizards. No one to exchange shoes and dresses with when we go for weddings and formal occasions. No one to buy the occasional dinner on rainy sundays, no one to complain about how slippers are meant to make you slip. No one to defend me when mum and dad rant on about my training and depleting grades.
As a kid, I would always question your actions, your words, why you would make mum and dad upset or angry. Right now, the same thing is happening once more, just that I'm the one in the picture instead.
Remember when dad was so angry once, he didn't want you to go to NDP? After all your marching drills every Saturday from 4AM to midnight, he didn't want you to go. I can't imagine how you felt back then. But mum managed to convince him somehow and you went ahead with it. Then, on National Day itself, we were at home waiting for you to appear on TV, and when you did, I could see the pride swelling in their eyes, I could see how proud they were of you. And I asked myself whether I will be able to do the same one day, to let them be proud of me, too.
Whenever they talked about NDP, about the honour, I would get all pissed and upset, because I wanted the same treatment. I always said that it was nothing, marching in the parade wasn't as amazing as it seemed to be, but believe me, I'm so proud of how far you've come. How you persevered on despite nearly fainting during the drills, how you went on giving your best despite the uncertainty of really marching on the day itself. In spite of all our quarrels and physical fights and cold wars, thank you for being so loving and forgiving.
Thank you for always showing how proud you are of me, even though I never show them openly. Mum and Dad used to be so proud of my grades in primary school, and you always said that you wanted my results. But I want to be like you. To have your patience, your determination, your generosity. Always forgiving, not one to hold grudges, mild-mannered and always kind to everyone. You would do things for anyone, while I select the few people I'm close to. You always trusted your friends no matter what they did to you, while I still doubted people I've known for years. You would print out the music scores and learn them by heart, while I thumped on the piano keys, struggling to pass the exams while you aced them. Dad always said how generous you were, that you were a gentle giant, while I'm just a selfish prat who thinks too much about herself.
Do you see how much you changed me into a better person?
You showed me through your actions how to be kind, gentle, and forgiving.
You taught me how to give people second, third, fourth chances, because we are all still learning.
You taught me how to have fun and live life to the fullest and forget about people judging us.
You taught me how to love myself, to love others, and blame no one for the mistakes.
So many things you did for me - I took so long to see it. To appreciate it.
All the little things the older kid does for the younger one. Letting them choose what they like for dinner, letting them have the larger slice of cake, letting them get the drumsticks and finish the sweet drinks even though you want it so much. Taking the blame when both are in the wrong, always taking the first step so that the younger one would never experience disappointment or failure. You were the first to try the roller coasters, alone, so that you could gauge whether I would throw up after the ride. You tried the weird foods before I did so that I didn't have to experience any horrible aftertastes. Popo says that I'm the outgoing, braver one, but you are. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have taken that first step, to get to where I am. I just watched as you tried out new things, and I didn't help you when you encountered with problems, all I did was to remind myself not to do the same and when I succeeded, I just forgot who helped me get there and just think that I conquered it all by myself.
It's funny how they say that the younger one lives in the shadow of the older one (and I believed it, at first), but seeing how the adults always talk about my results, my achievements, while you stand by the side and smile, it must have been so hard on you. I used to overlook all these things, but now that I realise it, I couldn't be prouder of how far you've come, and I know that you can go so much further, just believe in yourself because I believe in you :)
So many times I wished that I was the only child. So many times I wished that I had an older brother instead. But I know I couldn't have done it without you.
You didn't have to watch over your hell of a younger sister, who was always out of step from the crowd, who was in that weird world, but you did (and knocked some sense into me). Even if I didn't notice the little sacrifices you made for me, I won't say that I was completely ignorant of your bad times. Just that I didn't think it was a big deal back then.
I watched you cry in your room when you were in sec school, after mum and dad's scolding. It was always because of outings with friends, cca commitments, grades, attitude. It would have been a hell lot worse if I was the first kid. You were always the independent one, I was the tag-along who somehow managed to make the right moves and not get into so much trouble.
The turning point in our relationship was in mid-P6, on the cruise. It's been almost 3 years, it's funny how we can still remember them. I used to think that you looked good with Andre :P then Abby and Debbie introduced us to good music. Berlin and Nicole were the ahlians among us, and those four days are just so magical, even until now.
When ahgong passed away, I watched you cry in public for the first time, I watched Dad cry for the first time, and I found out what life and death really meant. And I started growing up from then on. It was uncomfortable, but as the family started to open up about him, I started to learn a bit more about everyone else. When you delivered the eulogy, everyone started breaking down, then Faith started laughing. She sat on my lap and told me, "shiqi jiejie is crying." At first, I was so mad, because she was being so insensitive, but she was just four. She didn't understand why he was gone. Why everyone else was crying. Or what was happening in the first place.
It was the same thing that happened between us, isn't it? Me being young, being immature, not understanding it.
Hopefully, that changed. For the better :)
You're an amazing role model for Zhi, you know? Just the other day, she let Kai choose first, even though she wanted it so bad. Just like what you did for me every time. When I saw what she did, I was literally bursting with pride, that my cousin was so grown up, even though she's just 11.
It feels like not long ago when we were both sitting beside ahyi, when she was pregnant with Zhi. Can you believe that more than a decade has past, yet we can see things as clear as day?
This was back in 2001/2002? You were still in Kindergarten, and you're turning 18 this year. Time flies past so fast.
Right now, as I type this, I'm listening to you talking to the mio lady about the internet connection at home, because I chickened out at the last moment to talk to some stranger on the line. What am I gonna do without you, when you grow up and start dating, while I'm still struggling to complete my studies? No one to crawl into my bed at night to talk about everything under the sky before going on vacation, no one to buy bubble tea or fries as a treat when I come home early. No one to bake me cakes and cookies and cook my lunch and dinner during the holidays. No one to ask me about my school and training life without nagging. No one to scream with me when we see cockroaches and lizards. No one to exchange shoes and dresses with when we go for weddings and formal occasions. No one to buy the occasional dinner on rainy sundays, no one to complain about how slippers are meant to make you slip. No one to defend me when mum and dad rant on about my training and depleting grades.
As a kid, I would always question your actions, your words, why you would make mum and dad upset or angry. Right now, the same thing is happening once more, just that I'm the one in the picture instead.
Remember when dad was so angry once, he didn't want you to go to NDP? After all your marching drills every Saturday from 4AM to midnight, he didn't want you to go. I can't imagine how you felt back then. But mum managed to convince him somehow and you went ahead with it. Then, on National Day itself, we were at home waiting for you to appear on TV, and when you did, I could see the pride swelling in their eyes, I could see how proud they were of you. And I asked myself whether I will be able to do the same one day, to let them be proud of me, too.
Whenever they talked about NDP, about the honour, I would get all pissed and upset, because I wanted the same treatment. I always said that it was nothing, marching in the parade wasn't as amazing as it seemed to be, but believe me, I'm so proud of how far you've come. How you persevered on despite nearly fainting during the drills, how you went on giving your best despite the uncertainty of really marching on the day itself. In spite of all our quarrels and physical fights and cold wars, thank you for being so loving and forgiving.
Thank you for always showing how proud you are of me, even though I never show them openly. Mum and Dad used to be so proud of my grades in primary school, and you always said that you wanted my results. But I want to be like you. To have your patience, your determination, your generosity. Always forgiving, not one to hold grudges, mild-mannered and always kind to everyone. You would do things for anyone, while I select the few people I'm close to. You always trusted your friends no matter what they did to you, while I still doubted people I've known for years. You would print out the music scores and learn them by heart, while I thumped on the piano keys, struggling to pass the exams while you aced them. Dad always said how generous you were, that you were a gentle giant, while I'm just a selfish prat who thinks too much about herself.
Do you see how much you changed me into a better person?
You showed me through your actions how to be kind, gentle, and forgiving.
You taught me how to give people second, third, fourth chances, because we are all still learning.
You taught me how to have fun and live life to the fullest and forget about people judging us.
You taught me how to love myself, to love others, and blame no one for the mistakes.
So many things you did for me - I took so long to see it. To appreciate it.
All the little things the older kid does for the younger one. Letting them choose what they like for dinner, letting them have the larger slice of cake, letting them get the drumsticks and finish the sweet drinks even though you want it so much. Taking the blame when both are in the wrong, always taking the first step so that the younger one would never experience disappointment or failure. You were the first to try the roller coasters, alone, so that you could gauge whether I would throw up after the ride. You tried the weird foods before I did so that I didn't have to experience any horrible aftertastes. Popo says that I'm the outgoing, braver one, but you are. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have taken that first step, to get to where I am. I just watched as you tried out new things, and I didn't help you when you encountered with problems, all I did was to remind myself not to do the same and when I succeeded, I just forgot who helped me get there and just think that I conquered it all by myself.
It's funny how they say that the younger one lives in the shadow of the older one (and I believed it, at first), but seeing how the adults always talk about my results, my achievements, while you stand by the side and smile, it must have been so hard on you. I used to overlook all these things, but now that I realise it, I couldn't be prouder of how far you've come, and I know that you can go so much further, just believe in yourself because I believe in you :)
So many times I wished that I was the only child. So many times I wished that I had an older brother instead. But I know I couldn't have done it without you.
We had so many matching clothes when we were little, before I entered primary school. Then a long period of six years when we had the petty fights and both of us were trying to grow up quickly (you succeeded, I failed). When I entered NJ, things got better between us, because I was finally able to think straight, to understand you, and it's getting better each day :) we haven't wore our matching checkered shirts/skinny jeans/converse yet! Soon ah xD
When we were younger (or when I had more time out of school/training), dad would tell us stories of our childhood, and you know which was my favourite one? It was when I was a few months old, and dad left you with me for a little while, in the living room, and he saw you patting my head, watching over me. Usually, the older sibling would be jealous of the care received by the baby, but you were different. Like what dad always said, you were a gentle giant ;-)
You didn't have to watch over your hell of a younger sister, who was always out of step from the crowd, who was in that weird world, but you did (and knocked some sense into me). Even if I didn't notice the little sacrifices you made for me, I won't say that I was completely ignorant of your bad times. Just that I didn't think it was a big deal back then.
I watched you cry in your room when you were in sec school, after mum and dad's scolding. It was always because of outings with friends, cca commitments, grades, attitude. It would have been a hell lot worse if I was the first kid. You were always the independent one, I was the tag-along who somehow managed to make the right moves and not get into so much trouble.
The turning point in our relationship was in mid-P6, on the cruise. It's been almost 3 years, it's funny how we can still remember them. I used to think that you looked good with Andre :P then Abby and Debbie introduced us to good music. Berlin and Nicole were the ahlians among us, and those four days are just so magical, even until now.
When ahgong passed away, I watched you cry in public for the first time, I watched Dad cry for the first time, and I found out what life and death really meant. And I started growing up from then on. It was uncomfortable, but as the family started to open up about him, I started to learn a bit more about everyone else. When you delivered the eulogy, everyone started breaking down, then Faith started laughing. She sat on my lap and told me, "shiqi jiejie is crying." At first, I was so mad, because she was being so insensitive, but she was just four. She didn't understand why he was gone. Why everyone else was crying. Or what was happening in the first place.
It was the same thing that happened between us, isn't it? Me being young, being immature, not understanding it.
Hopefully, that changed. For the better :)
You're an amazing role model for Zhi, you know? Just the other day, she let Kai choose first, even though she wanted it so bad. Just like what you did for me every time. When I saw what she did, I was literally bursting with pride, that my cousin was so grown up, even though she's just 11.
It feels like not long ago when we were both sitting beside ahyi, when she was pregnant with Zhi. Can you believe that more than a decade has past, yet we can see things as clear as day?
This was back in 2001/2002? You were still in Kindergarten, and you're turning 18 this year. Time flies past so fast.
When time goes past, when we grow up, we fail to realise that mummy and daddy are growing old, too.
Things are going on really well at home; both of us are so blessed to have loving (and naggy) parents, a roof over our heads, and never have any financial woes.
We are all changing now. Our appearances, our mindsets, the way we bring ourselves in public. But when we're at home, we're still the same people, the same girls we were so many years ago, always a baby in their eyes.
You are beautiful sis. Without the makeup, without the contacts, without the dresses, you are still so beautiful. I love our relationship now, it's just that I hate seeing you being insecure over your body. We have single eyelids, small eyes, big thighs, so what? Maybe those aren't good genes in your eyes, but you are one of the most beautiful ladies I've ever known. Both inside and outside. Even if you wear flip flops, an old shirt with fbts, we will still love you for who you are.
You can wear this pyjamas out for dinner with me and I'm absolutely fine with that (and I'll wear mine too)
Back when mummy and daddy were younger :")
And daddy had abs :O
All these memories, it just came tumbling back when I flipped through our old photo albums.
Watching our transition from babies to toddlers, to primary school kids, to the teenage stage, and finally, you're gonna be an adult!
You have had all the firsts, so that your little sister wouldn't be so scared.
Roller coasters, extractions, braces, retainers.
You'll be the first to start dating, get married, have a job, have kids.
And first to leave?
Be it leaving home for good, or leaving this life.
I don't even know how I'm gonna continue on without you.
"Are you always a sister, even when half of the equation is gone?"
That's probably why I was so scared when I got stitches (because no one I knew had them). And why I was so quiet when I first entered NJ (because you weren't here).
You're probably one of the few who kept telling me to keep on going in canoeing, when everything bad was happening.
Thank you for waking up at 5 in the morning to come down for my nats, watch my 1000m race, leave for a while, then come rushing back in a cab for the 500m race, just to see me nearly in tears afterwards.
Then you told me how proud you were of me.
One sibling who loves you, is really so much more than what you need. Their love fills you up so deeply inside, you could burst.
I love you more than you love Aaron kay :P
I'll get you a duck every birthday, adding on to your collection of duckie, darla, dominic, daniel, donnie, danny, destiny, yati.
Next one will be called Donovan.
Remember all the times when I cried over little things?
You sat on my bed and watched as I looked out the window, refusing to show the tear streaks.
Then you said, "it's okay."
That made me cry even more, because everyone said it wasn't okay.
When everyone else didn't believe me, didn't understand me, the person I hurt so many times still believed me.
That's the amazing thing about sisters.
No matter what you do to them, they don't hold grudges.
They know exactly how to hurt you till you break, they know how to get past that stubborn mental barrier in your brain, and they can tweak their words to make you break apart and break down.
After pulling down your walls, they build you into a better person.
They are a part of you. In your flesh and blood, in your childhood, in your first dates and heartbreaks, they are always there. When you bickered with your friends or got duped by someone, they just made things better.
Thanks sis, for the fifteen (and counting) beautiful years.
"When our hair is white, we'll still have our sister love."
Finally reaching your height xD
为你的微笑负责 ;-)
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