Why are you like that? Tired. Why are you tired? Just tired. I'm tired.

NWK's coming up in 3 weeks, I suppose I won't be going for Phantom, since the people forgot that I have to take morning races.. see how first ba, but again, I'd rather NWK than Phantom..

Anyway, let me skip to training. And besides the usual pushing, what happened so far.

We got scolded on whatsapp, really badly. We means the C Div Girls. See it this way, there are only four of us left. From the 13 that started out, look at us now. We had a record breaking number of juniors entering the CCA. And the record number of people leaving too. Okay, I'm just gonna name those who were supposed to be in the team, I take no offense here to anyone.

Me, Wang, Miz, Jinwen (Aw and Tay), Leilu, Elly, Claire Yeo, Ohana, Nab, Rah, Jiawen, Shyann.

How many of us are dedicated? So little. If any of us leave now, which I really hope not, B Div is not a full team next year. If there are only four of us, how many people do we need to recruit for B Div 2015? It all lies on our shoulders. Let me state the obvious reason why the JH2 girls this year are so screwed.

NO RECRUITMENT. NONE, ABSOLUTE ZERO.

No one recruited me in, I came in because it seemed... fun. The rest left because they got in by chance. And people don't go into the CCA because of hearsay that it's so damn tough and makes you buff. Okay. That's what I'm ranting about.

If the 13 people were dedicated, who were truly recruited in, competition would be tough in the team. But we can do well. That's what that matters. With so little of us now, what's gonna be of us next time? Are we just gonna crumble?

Anyway, back to the scolding. We weren't going for enough trainings. Technically land is optional, but you know what I mean. "OPTIONAL". So we're going for 3 land 3 water from now on. B Div standard. And there was only 2 land last time. Okay, I shall still train like this. Hopefully, I won't just drop dead in the middle of macritchie. And be the second dead fish causing the stench. Noel saw the fish anyway.

Seriously, when land wasn't compulsory, we had compulsory land tutorials twice a week last time, during boarding. I hope my friday's free though. Since three land now, there isn't tutorial. I think. Just bear with it till NWK is over, then it's off season. Maybe we'll get into better crafts soon too. The best craft I've been in is the White Peisheng, which is more stable than the Tiger. JW, WW and Nab did AK though.

Okay, about the trainings.

We aren't conditioned enough, so we're in K1s. On thursday, I'll do K2 with Ruiting. Hope it'll go fine. I hope I'm at the back, because I'm better at following someone's pace, rather than try to get an inspiration to up my cycle rate.

I haven't capsized so far during these trainings. It's a good sign lah, but I had a couple of near capsizes though. Did mileage every training, still okay with it. Land was worse than water, for someone who can't run well. Ran for 30min straight in the forest, up and down, tripping over branches and stones. Then sprint up upper shed. But it's nothing compared to the other seniors, cause our group was the slowest. I would have died running with the others, but that's my motivation to train more on running. Because I'm not good enough yet.

But again, I'm tired. Tired of listening to the scoldings, the demoralizing by everyone, to think about the eventual trainings. And to think about school. Personally, I think the canoeists are the strongest people, mentally and physically (weights training). If any of the JH2 girls try out our programme, understand what we're going through, I think they'll just quit immediately. Or just collapse.

They do encourage on water, but sometimes, those little "comments" do affect us greatly.

"After so long still cannot balance in Tiger. Why? Not enough training. So how to balance? Train more. Come for more trainings." Not quoting from word to word, but yeah, those words were like -stab your heart-

Okay, to the seniors, I know we're not meeting your requirements, considering we want the title next year. The last time B div got a title was during Clarissa-Madeline B Div. So, it's our turn now. But can't you see every single little comment on how bad we are just pulls out mentality down? You all started out the same way, okay? Maybe you guys were better, but there would be a time you were capsizing in a Tiger. You were once like us. You were once a junior. But you forgot all about that. You thought that you could balance in a Zedtech, Kape, Nelo, Advantage, Peisheng, when you entered. Yeah. Okay if that's what you think, you're no help.

The reason why I'm in the team is because of the people in it. Those who care. Those who know how we actually feel, how we struggle to balance in a Tiger. You were once like that. Remember that.

Okay, I don't know how to end off, but here is a shoutout to my team.

We've been through together for not a long time, but long enough to learn so much. Whatever happens, I hope we stay together for as long as we can.

Remember what John said today. Heart and Soul.

Not just in the sport. In what you do. You know we have your backs, just go out there and prove it to the world. That you can. That we can.

Love you guys <3