it's really easy to talk about the right thing to do when it's not your life

I want to be a good senior.

So what about good portfolios? So what if I’m going to become captain/vice-cap/QM? I have no more anchors. Everything's nothing, ain't it?

No one can empathize. They can only show sympathy, that’s it. If you’re not going through what I’m going through now, you can’t understand.

Jiawen and Wang are the only two who can get as close to understanding. But the moment they are free of this burden, they see it from a different point of view.

Am I even strong enough to stay on? For myself, for them, for the seniors, for the juniors?

Like so many months ago, I still remember the day I told Sarah, Jiawen and Wang that I prided myself for someone who wouldn't back down without a fight. I could see that the four of us lost our fight, but when Sarah left us, the fight came back. I wanted to win, even though we were short of numbers. When Jiawen said her love for the sport was gone ever since we got all the blame, I started to question myself again and again, whether I was making the right choice. Jiawen said she wanted me to be happy, to think about myself too, not just the team.

Wang is most probably leaving. Is that the end?

I’m worried for next year’s Nationals. But I’m more worried for 2015.

Can I even last till April next year? And if I do, how can I set the lineup and tell the JH2s I won’t be around anymore? I want to be the senior that Madeline is to me. I want to care for every single one of them, I want to talk to each of them privately, but can I last? I don’t know, I really don’t know.

And the moment they know I’m the last one left, there’s no more backup for me. They will definitely tell me, DON’T YOU DARE QUIT.

I don’t dare. It’s my pride, maybe. But even when everyone says that they lost everything, I haven’t.

The KAPE fuelled the drive into me. I still love the sport. I still love the people.

And I cannot bear to send my juniors into B Div alone, with no senior to guide them.

Even if it’s twelve of them and one JH4 which is me, I want to do well.

Celeste’s batch is strong. They will be good without me.

But juniors are inexperienced. I don’t need talent. I just want their passion, dedication, hard work and I’ll make sure that the same things don’t repeat itself like in our batch.

But what if I can’t hold out?

I don’t know. They say do what you think is right. But in this case, what is right?

Is it what that is morally correct to everyone, or should I weigh my happiness in this?

Everyone I spoke to wanted me to choose what made me happy. If paddling makes me happy, if it is what I love, then I should go ahead. And I still love it, so much. The sport and the people.

Honestly, I never thought this day would come. When it came, the information didn't come smacking into my face immediately. When I was alone, I started to reflect, and all the expectations, stress, worries. It all came to me.

Can I survive solo? I've always placed happiness first. I want to make people happy, so that I can be happy myself.

But does this even work both ways here?

I don't know what to do. I know I have to stay strong. 

HOW?

Is it even true?

I don't want it to be a burden.

I want it to be a passion.

The future is blurry.