answers.

The first week of school was miserable. Especially the first day.

I just kept asking myself if I made the right choice to take up AH, to be in 301.

The people around me make up the environment. And the atmosphere is so tensed, it's like everyone's gonna judge you for what you do; what you say, even if you don't mean a single thing. I hate that, so much. I hate pretending that everything's going to be fine when it isn't. I hate being in class, thinking about four years of hell. I hate it that I don't try to get to know others.

Almost fifteen years into this life, it's became an instinct to act upon judging. Christine was saying, “有时候就把别人的话当放屁。” I really don't want to judge my own classmates, but when I do, I just put my walls up, conversing only when necessary, and just feeling worse as the time passes.

After the first day, I went home in a horrible mood. My parents were saying that I had to learn to work with people of different kinds, be it who they are inside, because in the end, they are still somebody's son or daughter. They are still human. They have feelings, just like you do.

And I was just spending my Monday night waiting for Tuesday land to vent all my frustrations at weights. I was looking forward to training so much, because it was the only time I would destress, that I would forget all my troubles. I didn't need to pretend to be happy or free of troubles. I could be myself, I didn't need to worry at all.

It was a good thing that I was away on Wednesday, helping out at Cafe Trials. Missing an entire day of lessons, and being a lot happier than before. I was just looking at the JH1s, and I saw Charles too. He's a good kid, very true to people. There's that sense of protectiveness over my own juniors too. No matter what they do or how frustrated I get, even though I complain so much, I still care about them. I want them to be happy, no matter what. Everything else can wait.

Wednesday didn't end on a high though. Came back to NJ for one hour of CCE. Just going back to class for two periods and it was so bad. The class comm is fine. It's just everyone as a whole. It's very selfish and judgmental of me to be like this, but I just can't help it. One hour of class just killed all the happiness from the morning and previous evening. I went home and it was thankfully alone, and I just cried my eyes out in my bed. Twice. Because one howling and cursing session isn't enough to make up for what happened over three days. My "throwing socks" destressing method would never help because my mood was just so bad. I was losing my temper so much the past week, I'm sorry for snapping at so many people. Then after all the waterworks and many trips to the toilet and tissue box, I ate one whole pot of rice because I was starving and tired from everything. Crying takes up a lot of energy, I just figured that out. Then after coming back from theory, I was just eating bread and chocolate to try and forget everything. Comfort food.

Then I returned to school on Thursday and Friday, which was relatively better because of water and land training. And that we were training for SCM, I could just focus on it, and ignore all the drama in class.

And it brings me back to my oneders. I just miss them so much. Seeing them along the corridors can't make up for it. It's different, not having lunch with them. It's different, not having lessons with them. It's so damn different, when they are just not there. Their presence itself means so much. And their absence just hurts so bad.

I don't think I'm the only one who had a bad week. Some of the oneders did too. No matter what happens, even scattered among five classes, we are still a family. We will still watch out for each other, take care of each other, just like how we did for two years. We don't have to see each other every day, but we still understand how life's like. It's not fair, but it's there for a reason. So that others are given more chances. So that we will learn not to take things for granted. Sometimes, the smallest things take up the most space in your heart. Whenever I see any of them, it just makes me so happy to see them smiling. The short exchange of words just perks you up. At least you know they are safe and happy. That's what that matters.

Onederland will go on forever. 301 will never be like that, I'm positive. There won't be such a bond. One, because I'm not willing to let that happen. Two, it's not going to happen anyway. (I'm a negative person here, I'm sorry.)

Then Saturday and Sunday. SCM preparations and the race itself :) it makes me so much happier to talk about paddling and the girls ;)

Punggol is a nice place, the water isn't too hard, the scenery is beautiful too, and there are only three rounds needed to cover 16km, better than the eight rounds around Macritchie :P All the motivation (especially from Risa) just made me push on. During the first 4km, I already felt like dying out, and we were chasing a CGS K2 until the first portage, where we cut them (we cut every boat at portage technically). It gave me more motivation to paddle even harder, because one obstacle was down. When it started drizzling, Risa was like "Showers of blessings" and I was trying so hard not to laugh and continue to steer the boat into the right direction. She was telling me how strong we were, how fresh we were, that it was just one set, I wouldn't have made it through without Risa. She's an amazing K2 partner, honestly. I love you my dick schwein :* and Celeste too she's also my K2 partner <3 the two powerhouses ich bin honoured XD

It was a bad week but a really amazing ending to it :) it's the people we love who matter the most, who makes the most difference, every word means so much, thank you for everything :) ich liebe euch <3

And anyway during PE today the fantastic four did 20 crunches together, it was pretty nostalgic... Wang should have been there too, then we will be almost complete hmmm...