and so you start of the new year with waterworks.

The new year resolution was to mend our family's relationship.

And when I stupidly brought up the topic of dropping German, all hell broke loose.

And I simply hate it when you use canoeing against me.

"You are quitting this because of your cca."
"You are living in Singapore, German will pull your results up, canoeing won't help."
"You are throwing away 2 years of effort without even considering your own future."
"We are your parents, we help you by making you choose the right decision so you can succeed in the future."
"In the end, studies come first. No matter how much and how well you paddle, no one's going to care."
"Why can't you just train lesser? It's affecting your life, I only see you coming home late, not studying hard, and your attitude gets worse."
"You say you are doing this for your seniors and your Nationals and for your K4, so you give up this for stupid reasons."
"Before long, you will end up struggling even though you quit third language. I guarantee that you will always regret this decision."
"You are not talented at all, and when you finally realise that you can't win any medals, it's too late, you have nothing."
"You don't even perform in your studies, how can you perform in your cca?"
"I don't see why you can't go on half training days. Train less even better."
"You are no better than those who quit. Maybe even worse, because they made the right choice."
"Passion is nothing. You can't use passion as an excuse to ruin your own future."

The talk lasted for an hour.
And when all the questions can barreling in, I tried to defend myself but failed miserably.
You just get more emotional and nothing comes out right.
You have everything phrased, but all the mixed feelings make you feel like shit.
Those words literally stab your heart.
For crying out loud (literally), it's the first day of the year.

I was going to say that if I had told them I was quitting canoeing, they would have gladly agreed, because they never even supported it (they say that they do but if you do, you wouldn't keep complaining and nagging after each training I come home from.).
The words came out choked and the next moment I just burst.

I'm sorry that I'm a quitter.
I'm sorry that I'm not a scholar.
I'm sorry I live in a society where everyone looks at your results to judge you for who you are.
I'm sorry that I've just ruined my future.
(That's what you want me to say, isn't it?)

I'm not sorry for this decision.
If I had a choice, if I had more time (which no one in this world will ever have), I would have continued on.
But I don't.
And sometimes, you have to make choices.
Between canoeing, music, German and studies, it has to be German.
Society says to choose canoeing.
If I didn't live in such a society, I'll give up my studies.
I've played the piano for 11 years. I'm not going to throw it away like this.
Paddling is what I love, and I'm doing it for the people.
I don't want to give up German, but it's for the best.

I know I'm not talented, but I know I work hard.
You don't see results but I see so many changes.
I'm happier. More friendships. Passion. Fight.

I just feel it's unreasonable for you to use my cca against me.
It's not just something you can give up, it's part of my life.

If you blow up because of a small matter, are you going to throw me out the house when I tell you what I want to do?
When I tell you I'm not going to become a lawyer or doctor or businesswoman and 赚大钱.

It's hard to throw away 2 years of hard work.
But I know I won't regret this decision.



One of the most amazing songs.
It kept me alive today I guess.