When you bring something forward and go larger in life, you leave something behind

I'm sorry that I couldn't spend that much time with you. I want to feel sorry. I think you want me to feel sorry too. But I just can't. I can't bring myself to apologise. I mean, am I in the wrong here? Maybe you think I am. Maybe I am. But I just can't think of it that way. I'm really sorry.

I'm giving my all for my nationals now. I disappear in the morning to train or at least be with the team for bonding and motivation stuff, and I disappear in the afternoon for water training. At night, I'm doing my own sh*t, like mugging and stuff like that. In school, I just do my stuff at my table which is far from yours. Even when we sit together and go for lunch, we hardly talk anymore. It's her now.

I'm not angry. I understand that I haven't been spending time. I just feel that I'm shoved aside by you. I don't blame you, but still, I can't help but feel the slight... pain? I have the others backing me up, but knowing that you've sort of done this doesn't exactly help sometimes.

I'm trying to move forward, and I'm sorry that I sort of left you behind. You may have involuntarily chosen to release your already weakening grip on me as she pulls you away. You don't need to choose me, one can wish...

I'm not blaming anyone here. Just mentioning. And venting. I hate hurting others, because I know the feeling of being like this, but I don't want to bottle everything up. It seems like for the sake of myself, I let it all out and tear and rip the hearts of others. But I have to. I really don't mean it. In war, there's one winner. Two casualties. It's selfish, but I need to. So that I won't burst.

I'm just like a tree who tries it's best to absorb all the storms and not fall. But does anyone really know how many cracks I have on me? I don't show it, but it's beneath everything. I bottle everything up, that's why. Because once I let it all out, everyone will judge. Including myself. And that's the end. People say, "I don't judge", but it's in the human nature that we do. So I'm sorry that I'm weak. I'm sorry that I'll topple over anytime. But I'm giving my all to stay upright.

Time will close the gaps. I don't have the time now. I need the sunshine. But I can't grasp on to it. I can only reach till that far now. Unless it comes. Or I'll just be in the storms.