Alone.

I love to be with people, to talk to them, to laugh with them, to cry with them. The feelings of having someone with you and being alone are worlds apart. Yet, we need to be alone once in a while.

The only "me" time I get is whilst walking back home from the interchange or MRT station. Yet, it's only a few minutes. Usually, after training, I go home with JW and WW, so we talk, unless we're sitting far from each other due to the crowd. I'll just listen to songs and emo and watch the life bustling outside in the world. I think about what I do. I think about what I should have done. I think about what's going to happen next.

I can't seem to concentrate when I'm with someone else chatting. Even at night, I can never reflect about anything if there's someone near me. Like in boarding, I just fall into bed and sleep because I can't do anything else. At home, so long everyone's asleep, I can start to play images in my head, and that's when the thinking starts. I don't plan what I'm going to do next, because instinct is the key. I set a target, and that's all.

Focusing on my daily reflections alone is hard. When I was younger, I tended to get distracted easily. I trained my mind every night by closing my eyes and play out imaginary stories in my head until I fall asleep. Every night without fail, as long as I'm alone. It took two years before the concentration was as easy as breathing. I could picture anything in my head, with my eyes close, and never lose concentration. That's also why I zone out so easily, because it's already part of me to be in that little shell once in a while.

It helps when I need to concentrate. It's also why I always screw my oral up, because I can't concentrate while speaking with someone else. For writing, I get my concentration immediately, and the inspiration comes very quickly. That's a pro for me. In training, I can focus better, but the confidence has to be up. As Reuven said, the moment you wake up, the focus has to be there. You must know that you are ready. And every single time I wake up, I don't go back to sleep anymore. Because my mind has already began ticking.

(Unrelated)
Every morning before land training or holiday water training, I ask myself, "Why are you doing this? Why are you waking up at 5+ just to go to school or Macritchie when all your other friends are still sleeping?"

I just know I need to do it. That's me. It's in my blood. Maybe it already was, but only through this big family did I realise it existed.

This is one reason why I'm still here. Time alone.

Maybe I need one, soon.