so that bringing back these memories won't be painful anymore.

I was just looking through the videos from NWK.

And the feeling I've always tried to push away crept in. To be exact, it washed in, like a wave of emotions.

I wish all of you were here to share it with me.

I know that we don't want to be reminded of the past. But history will always hold the memories. And I cherish them. (Things WILL come out harsh, so if you can't take it, please don't read it.)

Right now, I just hope that all of you are happy. As I said right from the start, I would always support you in whatever you chose for yourself. And I truly hope you will do the same for me, even though the path I took will continue on while you turned into another fork which leads to somewhere else.

I don't want or need any apologies. It was your own decision, and I'll always respect it. You must know that you chose it for a reason which isn't me. So you don't have to trouble yourself worrying about what I think, or feel, because I would never blame you for it. I believe in your choices, I believe that it will make you happy, and that's all I ask from you. That you will be happy, that you will tell me when you're hurting, that you will become the person you want to be.

And all I ask from you is that you will accept my choice of staying on.
You must know that I'm happy here.
I came on my own accord; this is what I want.
Please understand that.

We used to be in this sport together, remember?
Or have you forgotten everything?

Every person in this world is different.

While my choice isn't what you would choose (in the end), don't you notice that your choice isn't what I would have chosen either?

Why can't any of you see that this is TWO-WAY?

I can understand that you all worry about my well-being.
I promise I'll take care of myself.

But I just don't get why my decision is being questioned time and time again, when the answer will always remain the same.

I was just disappointed that all of you wanted me to go, forcing me to look through my choices.

(Did I force you to look through your own?)

(If I did, I'm sorry. But the intention was never there.)

What I have is what I want and enough for myself.

I have a different perspective; a different view in life.
And I won't apologise for it, because there's nothing for me to say sorry for.

We all know that we can't turn back time. Maybe all of us would have managed ourselves better and maybe we would still be together.

But whatever happened has happened.
The past will stay as the past, we all have to move on.

(And 301 will make up for the time lost.)

I can promise you will not lose me.
I'm sure that if all of you stop for a moment, and take one step back to look around yourselves, (force yourself if you must) to think about whether you lost yourself to the team in the past, you will understand the message I want to bring across.

I cannot change all these.
But I don't believe that I'm in the wrong for staying on.

I still remember all the times we struggled through training.

I remember all the lunches we had, all the complaints we ranted to each other about.

I never forgot how all our friendships started through a boat and a paddle.

I never forgot the ups and downs we went through, cheering each other on no matter what.

And even when the numbers slowly depleted, we kept each other motivated.

And even when the people left, we still looked out for them each time.

And I will always look out for all of you.

I do care.

Each and every single one of you means so much to me, even till now.

That never changed.

I still love all of you, so damn much.

And all of you will always remain as the building blocks and memories of my canoeing life.

Because everything will never be the same without all of you with me from the start.

I'm grateful for everything, especially the friendships forged.

I know the above rant isn't the best thing you want to see now, but I wanted to clear things out.

I hope that none of you will hold it against me for what I said., that you won't take offence.

I hope that all of you will understand, and after all these is cleared, all of us can start afresh.

We still have the memories, and the friendship will always be the same.

Thank you for everything, girls.

You all mean so much to me.

Please be happy, and I will be happy too.

Let's move on, okay?

Moving on isn't forgetting everything.

It means that we continue living just like how we used to do.

All of you are smart, strong girls.

And so beautiful to me.

We'll always have each others' back.

No matter what happens, no matter what that was said.

I still love all of you.