"Although you may be hurt and bleeding now, a better day will come. Hard work will never betray you." -Kang Gary

I have no idea why, maybe it's just part of puberty, but so many thoughts were rushing into my head when I was on the bus back from training. It was just so overwhelming, like you are past your capacity of what you can hold in one moment. Too much to comprehend, too much to remain calm, too much to think straight.

I guess I've been hiding behind that wall for too long.

Whenever anyone asks me "Are you okay?", "How are you?", I'll always say I'm fine. Nothing else.

But every time I say that, deep down, I know it's not fine. It's not okay.

I'm still touched though, but am I still part of you?

You say that we are a team. We fight as a team. But am I really part of that team? I don't know if I can feel it. Maybe it's because of the time.

Sometimes, when I feel so happy with them, that I feel wanted even though I'm the youngest, the next training, walking ice queens are around me. And when I stone and act like I'm just going to train and not talk to anyone else, you ask about me, you do care, the guilt washes in, in torrents.

I love the sport. I love the people. But does it work both ways for you? Everyone's so happy, and I look at myself and say, "I'm alone and I have to be happy too." So I just show that I'm happy.

The JH3 girls are so bonded, they are one group of sisters. There's no need for me to be an extra. I'm glad they took me in, accepted me as a junior they would care about. Sometimes, I feel that they try really hard to be a friend, to understand, but sometimes, it's just nothing.

I appreciate everything the seniors did for me, even though they didn't have to do so. Thank you, it means a lot. Especially to someone who has no one.

They say that I must not keep quiet, not bottle it up. I don't want to keep it in either, but is there someone I can rant to and help me? No.

Because you don't know how I'm feeling.
You never tried being the last one.
You never tried pushing yourself on, physically and mentally, without any motivation besides your own pride, your passion, and love.
You never tried shouldering the burden responsibility of twenty-six kids.
You never tried worrying that others will leave.
You never tried forcing yourself to wake up each morning, knowing that so many others were in bed.
You never tried being on your toes all the time because you didn't want to fail.
You never tried questioning yourself why you were doing it.
You never tried asking who you were doing for.

And there's no answer to any question.

Can anyone understand?

I look at the kids now. I look at myself. I look back at the me when I first started out.

Are they strong enough?

I hope they are. Not strong that they can last. But strong that they know what is right for them.

It's right for me to remain. I have my duty. I have to give back. And I want to do it. It's for the people, for what they have done for me.

Because I keep holding on to the hope that one day, despite so many setbacks, I will show that so many people were wrong about me.

I hold on to the hope that one day they will accept me.

I won't give up so easily.

I wish that I could be happy like what I always talk about.

I tell people to be happy. But am I happy?

Yes. But this is just a guess.

I want to know the real me.

I want to put myself into so many situations and look at how I will adapt.

I want to know that I truly love the sport, that I love the people.

I want to find out if I have it in me, in my blood.

I want to know the something that's inside me which made me keep trying no matter how many times I fell down and everyone said not to get up.

When everyone told me to give up, I wanted to prove them wrong.

Even if I knew I had to suffer somehow.

I hope the sufferance is worth it.

Because of my pride.

When they said group hug, they went into a circle. And they pulled me in. I was so touched. I felt wanted.

Yet barely twenty minutes later, I sat on the bus, looking out of the window, trying so hard not to cry. 

Asking myself what should I do.

And I'll be gone, gone tonight.

The ground between my feet is open wide.

The way I've been holding on too tight.

With nothing in between.

I'm not going.

I'm going to last.

Because that's the me I know, right now.

And I hope that it remained there despite so many people trying so hard to knock it out.

Change my mind. A change of heart. Does it really happen in life?

No matter what happens, I still wanna be me.

They are good kids.

Please don't be hurt.

I don't show it, but I care.

I don't want you to go through what I did.

It's okay if you can't understand.

You are still young, even innocent.

Stay ignorant of the pain.

Tell yourself it doesn't exist.

But when you know the real truth, just know that you are not alone in it.

Not everyone will be there for you.

Not everyone will understand.

But I can.

And I will.

Because you were born to be happy.

And I'm living to make a difference, to make you happy.

Thank you to those who were by my side.

Thank you to those who believed in me.

Thank you for those who kept me going.

And thank you to those who wanted me to quit.

Everyone made me stronger.

I still believe that it exists in me.

I will always believe in myself.

Happiness.

Dreams.

Hopes.

Belief.

It keeps me going every day.

It keeps me alive.

I'm waiting for the day it's unleashed.

And I will show who I am.

To those who doubted me.

I know I work hard.

I know I gave it all.

One day, I want to smile.

A genuine smile that struggled through tears.

The smile that showed our memories.

That made me learn.

And become who I am.

I'm sorry for the rants.

I hope that you don't berate yourself over anything

Because you have been really good to me.

I would never blame anyone.

And all the rants, I don't target anyone.

It's just a platform to vent my frustrations, some of it, please don't take some of it to heart.

I write because I love writing.
And I relax through what I love.
And many times, I do mean what say.
Sometimes, I mean everything I say.

But if you take everything to heart, you are going to hate me.
Because I put things down clearly, weaved in a sense that I'm blaming you.
But I'm not.
I would never hurt someone for the sake of amusement.
I only stand up for what I believe in, to the point when I offend people.
I would never blame, target or hurt you.
You have already done so much for me, so much more than I can ask for.
I would never want to do this to you.
Or to myself.

I would never forgive myself if I hurt someone I love.
Even by accident.
Whatever I said, whatever I did, whatever you felt I showed to you, it doesn't always coincide with what you think it is.
You mean so much to me.

I would never do that to you.
But I want to say sorry for everything I put you through.